such a tough break up

Hi Springhaze,
I swear, for a moment there as I was reading your post, I thought to myself that I literally could have written every single word, except for the cancer diagnosis (for which you have my good wishes on recovery), and the cannabis use.

Because literally almost everything else is exactly what I experienced. My relationship was a little longer, yet the end was the same and the emotional fallout is pretty identical to what you describe.

So know that you are not alone.

These relationships are so hard to get over, because they are this unique blend of so many addictive elements, and in many of our cases they resonate on a deep psychological level that we're not even aware of.

Keep writing here, you will find lots of support, understanding and compassion. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Oh, Springhaze, I feel for you. And I feel exactly the same. But please look at this as an opportunity.

I am 8 weeks post-breakup (with NC). It took me maybe 1 week to get over my Ex... meaning the guy himself. (You know, old memories, the loss of the future I thought we had, blah, blah, blah). I don't want him back, I know the relationship was terribly unhealthy for me.

The remaining 7 weeks has been for me to try to deal with my own reactions that were triggered by this dysfunctional scenario. This comes from: Old childhood wounds, lack of validation, a feeling of not being heard and accepted, not being "paid back" or even acknowledged for the huge effort and patience I poured into the relationship, the feeling of abandonment. A whole. Bunch. of Things.

This newly-ended relationship is a one-time chance to really dig deep and figure out why you were attracted to this person, why you put up with his mistreatment, the confusion, the hot/cold, the lack of attention. Those answers will prepare you for healthier connections in the future.

These are very hard questions and sometimes excruciating to work through. At no other time in life would we sign up willingly to do this type of very hard work on ourselves, so start doing some reading or go for counselling and figure out what drew you in and what kept you there. It's a silver lining on a really crappy dark cloud.

I agree, the coldness and the distance and the confusion for me having it end without a conversation (email/text) made everything so much harder.
I mean, just the fact that he couldn't give me any of his time and was cowardly in the way it ended, is hurtful and hard to heal from.
I have worked on some of the anger and I do think he did try his best, I suppose. or that he wasn't capable of much more than that.
it is still disappointing. it is immature, in my book. and has helped me to feel differently about him.
but i am a compassionate person and to have someone be so selfish is really hard.
being abandoned is very hard. rejection isnt easy.
the healing takes time and i have come a long way in 5 months but it hasnt been easy.
so helpful to talk to others who understand. thanks for writing!

known him for 4.5 years.
had a conversation 3 weeks ago, which he wasn't quite engaged in, it seemed like a breakup but maybe it wasn't really. haven't heard from him since... until yesterday... to give me some of my stuff back. he's now acting out in FB with some inappropriate and out of character posts -- mutual friends find it quite funny and think it's his way of dealing with the loss.
our last breakup was at the 1.5 year mark for about 8 months. he pulled me back and actually treated me well until a few months ago, then started ghosting me and becoming more unavailable.

I couldn't understand his behaviour until I discovered this site, now it all fits into place... the push and the pull... the Mr. Unavailable... and my anxiety (I used to be secure).

I'm dealing with what feels like withdrawal now, it's hurtful and I'm really sad and needy. I'm focusing on myself now. 

I am totally there w you all. Its been 2 months NC. He blocked me from everything! I feel like he hates me ans wishes I never existed. I did nothing to make him mad like this. Its was almost a year of back and forth and he seemed to be getting closer to me but moving at snails pace and still doing things like not texting for days. I am still crying about it.
I cant believe he did this. I just want to move on but having a hard time.

Hey Folks,

This is my first post and wanted to share my sympathy to all of you who have gone through such a traumatic event where our DA has completely dismissed us and cut us out of their lives and discarded us like we were a piece of trash.  

I was involved with a woman for six and half years, whom I recently recognized as being a classic DA who is possibly a covert narc. I knew that there was something lacking in her but was never able to place my finger on her behavior. Hence, here I am. I experienced the same emotional roller coaster that each of you have described, the push and pull, the crazy making, the emotional neglect and deep pain that we suffered loving our DA's. The red flags became quite apparent within three months right after our short honeymoon. Yet, I chose to ignore them for all because I was 'in love' and kept thinking that it would change or get better over time. It didn't. I kept soldering on, numb to the reality that she was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. If I played by the rules, all was well because it was all about her. When she was happy and content she served her meager crumbs as a reward. I could not get enough of them. Yet, if I spoke up or made it about me and my needs, all hell broke lose and she would explode in anger and rage and tell me that she is "taking time out of this relationship so that I can think about my actions". I can't tell you how many times she has 'broken up' with me only for me to come back on my knees apologetically begging her to take me back. Control was everything to her. Silence and anger was her tools that she used to keep me and her inner circle in line. Walking on eggshells became comfortably numb.  

Despite all the emotional abuse, crazy making, the hurt, and the pain I took from her, I knew something was amiss took the opportunity to focus in on me and my needs. I ended up looking at the proverbial mirror to ask myself who I am and what this was all about. I reached out to friends, got into therapy, read a lot of self-help books, did a lot of journaling (sp), and managed to do a lot of emotional self discovery over the last six years. Here is what I have learned about myself...  

I was a real mess. There were a number of outstanding traumatic attachment injuries that originated from my childhood. I grew up in an alcoholic household where physical and emotional abuse was the norm.  What I learned is that I equated abuse as love. Now that I have a much deeper appreciation of my past and I know that abuse does not equal love! I learned that the void within myself can only be filled by me and no one else. That was and still is to a certain degree a difficult reality to accept. Awareness is everything. I finally addressed my own codependency and traumatic childhood injuries, which was a very painful journey. It hurts like hell but I needed to do it. I became increasingly aware of who I am and become more in touch with myself.  As a result, I became more independent and self assured. Over time I also became more comfortable within my own skin. I learned to be assertive and speak up. I learned to rely on myself vs. having to be dependent on another person, which is healthy. Does that mean I turned DA?!? Absolutely not! I have secure attachment style. Yet, being with my DA I was triggered in ways I could not understand. With each episode I took a hard look inn the mirror and tried to figure out what that was all about. I recognized that self love emanates from within not from somebody else and that it is OK to love yourself. That too is healthy. Subsequently, I have become more compassionate and learned to be more patient with myself and those around me. I also learned that this is a journey not a destination. I will continue with my emotional self discovery because it helped me finally discover who I am. Honestly, I feel that I am finally home. 

What ended my relationship was my DA's behavior and the recognition and acceptance on how abusive really she is. Last October, after a wonderful dinner she told me that I am like and old person who has dementia because I smoked pot in High School and that I think only like an old person (what ever that means) and not capable of much more. That finally woke me up to the reality how cruel she really is. I ended up experiencing several other episodes since then, each one pushing me away more and more. I ended my relationship with my DA day after Mother's Day. I stayed at her place for the evening and again she ignored me all night, not even looking at me when we went to sleep or woke up. The next day when we woke up I wished her happy Mother's Day, which she ignored. She told me to get up and go home because she had plans that day, without telling me about them or including me. She has done that a lot, get up, get out, I'll call you when I need you. That afternoon she called me up to tell her to come up her place to cook dinner. Call dog this time ignored her calls and text messages. The next morning she called me to berate me like an idiot only to tell me again that she is "taking time out of this relationship so that I can think about my actions". She did not want to hear what I wanted to say. The message was loud and clear! Your needs to not count. Again, she treated me like crap and with utter disrespect because I did not play by her rules. I asked her if she was sure about "taking time out of this relationship..." she proceeded to hang up on me. This time I was done. I never called her back since then or reached out to her. As expected she has not called me back either and do not expect a call since she is not capable of looking beyond herself. She truly lacks emotional maturity. It took me about a month to get over it. I knew it was not my fault. She killed the relationship, I just buried it. Since then I got rid of all her stuff in my place, removed all her pictures I saved and any other memorabilia from her. I explained to my children whom known her for over six years that we got into a fight, without going into great details and told them that no one has a right to treat another person like dirt. If they do, you walk away because you deserve better! My son told me that he is proud of me. 
 
Despite all the pain and suffering we experience with our DA's keep in mind that they are giving us an opportunity to work on yourselves. Every relationship gives us a gift. I'm glad I took the pain and suffering and turned those lemons she served me into lemonade. I am a better man as a result of what I have experienced and learned. She will never benefit from the growth that I have experience.

I hope this helped. Please keep this in mind, believe in yourself and never lose sight of who YOU are!  You deserve better! 

Cheers...