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Post by browneyes on Jan 28, 2019 3:11:02 GMT
I am a secure female in a long-distance relationship with a male DA, and we have great compatibility. We rarely see each other because of 1000-mile distance and busy work schedules, but we talk almost every day, and both seem satisfied with the relationship.
He works ten or more hours a day and has a long commute, so most of the time we spend talking is while he is driving. It’s great for him because it kills time and then he has his downtime at home late in the evenings and on the weekends. Phone calls are usually an hour plus.
We sometimes text throughout the day, and only occasionally does he not answer. He is involved in the workday and I respect that – don’t get my feelings hurt.
It wasn’t always like this. The first two years I would get hurt if he didn’t text and would get pissy that he only talked to me during his commute. In fact, I broke up with him because he didn’t give me enough attention. Specifically, because I was super excited about seeing him and he didn’t seem excited about seeing me.
Then I read about attachment and began lurking here on the forum. Things became clear to me and I developed an understanding and compassion for him. After a year of learning about attachment styles and trading very intermittent messages with him, I asked (ok, really more like begged) him to take me back.
A very important piece to this puzzle is that I am 20 years older than he. This is beautiful for both of us. For me because I am not looking for a husband or someone to have children with. For him because I am interesting and independent (so he says).
The question I have for the DA’s here is centered on our visits. I still feel like I want to see him, and he doesn’t want to see me as much. I am willing to go out of my way, spend money, take time off work. He is not. He says it’s because he is stressed about work, and he doesn’t want to see or talk to anyone during the very little down time he has. He covets that time to recoup and relax. He is quite satisfied with our phone conversations.
We haven’t seen each other in almost two years because of the breakup. We had been visiting or traveling together every 3-4 months before that, and it’s been 6 months that we’ve been back together.
But I miss him. I miss his touch, being held, sex, all of it. I feel like that is the only thing lacking in our relationship, but it’s a pretty big thing!
So DA’s, can you give me some perspective on the layers of emotions behind why he would be reticent for us to get together?
Tl;dr – In a LDR with a DA who doesn’t want to see me as much as I want to see him. Everything else is great. I understand the reasons – I’d love to know more about the feelings behind them.
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lisa
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Post by lisa on Jan 28, 2019 7:56:46 GMT
Are you sure you are secure? You sound more like AP, especially with him. You begged him back, secures would not do that. I know he sounds DA, but do you have a real relationship with someone who is not willing to actually see you? Stop focusing on empathizing with him and decide what you want. Secures would say, I want to see you, when can that happen and if he says no, see that there are an abundance of other men who would.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 28, 2019 22:40:29 GMT
Are you sure you are secure? You sound more like AP, especially with him. You begged him back, secures would not do that. I know he sounds DA, but do you have a real relationship with someone who is not willing to actually see you? Stop focusing on empathizing with him and decide what you want. Secures would say, I want to see you, when can that happen and if he says no, see that there are an abundance of other men who would. I agree that OP sounds AP...possibly he came back before he was ready and now he’s reluctant to give more of himself to you. |
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Post by browneyes on Jan 29, 2019 2:34:44 GMT
Are you sure you are secure? You sound more like AP, especially with him. You begged him back, secures would not do that. I know he sounds DA, but do you have a real relationship with someone who is not willing to actually see you? Stop focusing on empathizing with him and decide what you want. Secures would say, I want to see you, when can that happen and if he says no, see that there are an abundance of other men who would. I agree that OP sounds AP...possibly he came back before he was ready and now he’s reluctant to give more of himself to you. regarding my friendships, I score very strongly in the Secure quadrant. Regarding my partner, less so (some AP manifestations) but still pretty solidly in the Secure part of the scale. You sound more like AP, especially with him.Ikr!? That's the whole reason I'm here! If it were easy and I didn't feel somewhat insecure, I wouldn't have sought out this site and lurked for a year! Funny thing is, I was married to an AP for 24 years. He made me crazy - just exhausted me. I became very DA with him the last ten or so years, maybe longer. Relationships seem to create an attachment life of their own. You begged him back, secures would not do that.I certainly did. I texted him about 4-5 times during that year, just a quick check-in, "hi, how are you" type thing. Then finally missed him so much I sent him an email that said I regretted breaking up with him and missed him very much - would he please consider trying again. He responded a few weeks later to my great surprise and delight. Do you have a real relationship with someone who is not willing to actually see you?It is no doubt a real relationship. We share joys and sorrows. We talk about everything that happens during the day as well as anything that comes to mind. Sometimes deep, sometimes shallow, but always with joy in the company of one another. We are compatible, companionable, and have fantastic chemistry, especially in person. Decide what you want.I know what I want. I want what we have. I am built for an LDR I think. But I can't pretend I don't wish we spent more time in person together. Secures would say, I want to see you, when can that happen and if he says no, see that there are an abundance of other men who would.Yes, I receive invitations from other men and understand that they would be willing to offer their time. But they are lacking in so many other ways that I'm not the least interested. My DA far exceeds them in wit, determination, personality, you name it. Possibly he came back before he was ready and now he’s reluctant to give more of himself to you.This is entirely possible. I have hurt him once. I marvel all the time that he was willing to try again. I assume it would be hard for him to trust me, but he doesn't really go there when we talk. He basically says, this is good, it's nice, I like it, without really disclosing his feelings. I have spoken to him about attachment and he has opened up about his life growing up. I don't at all want him to change or become something he's not able to. I see him as the widow in the parable, the one who gave her last two mites as alms, and it was credited to her mightily because she gave all she had. Others might give millions but still have millions more in store. He gives me the best of himself, I believe, showing me love and affection with all he has to give. Others might offer compliments and time and treacly sentiments, but it comes so easily it can be almost meaningless. With my DA, every sweet thing is precious. Anyway, obviously the idea of getting together triggers his DA. I was hoping someone might be able to give some insight into what causes the triggering. |
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Post by sissyk on Jan 29, 2019 21:12:57 GMT
"I am willing to go out of my way, spend money, take time off work. He is not. He says it’s because he is stressed about work, and he doesn’t want to see or talk to anyone during the very little down time he has. He covets that time to recoup and relax. He is quite satisfied with our phone conversations."
Hello! Welcome to posting!
My two cents here. It seems like you have a deep connection if you talk and text that much. Are you sure he is actually DA? I would think a DA would not want to have the expectation that he would be so available electronically all the time. My FA/DA often seems pained to even hit reply and we only text a couple of times a week--often just to make get together now just as friends plans.
Even if he is DA, it seems to me he has told you where he stands. He is busy and a 1,000 mile distance seems to him like a huge effort that he doesn't want to make. The long journeys may have seemed worth it in the early goings when hormones were flying. But that is a real haul and he may have rationally decided he just wants to keep the emotional component going with you. (My extended family lives 800 miles away and I see them twice a year if I am lucky due to my own life hurlyburly...)
I don't doubt your emotional closeness which he must enjoy too. If you are more into being together in person, have you asked if you can come visit him on his turf?
If he is 20 years younger, has he ruled out wanting kids himself? He might think you are fantastic and want you in his life and still not have closed off that option in the future with someone else.
And if he only wants to keep the communication going and not meet, is that enough for you to want to continue?
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Post by browneyes on Jan 30, 2019 2:41:41 GMT
Are you sure he is actually DA?
He has not taken a test, so I cannot say with absolute certainty, but, man, I would pretty much stake my life on it. He manifests most of the signs in Jeb's books. His childhood fits the profile, more or less. He is allergic to anyone who is needy and demanding in any way. A cute side note: After our first discussion about attachment styles he asked me to send him some information about it. I did and never heard a response. Later, I asked him what he thought about it. He said, "Yeah, I read the first few lines of the first article, then both dismissed it and avoided it." Made me laugh!
I would think a DA would not want to have the expectation that he would be so available electronically all the time.
Certainly not all the time. He creates his availability on his schedule. We talk mostly during his commute. He initiates 95% of the phone calls. Texting is probably 50/50.
Have you asked if you can come visit him on his turf?
Yes, but the response is the same. It's not so much about the money, the travel time, or even the convenience as it is his protection of his down time.
Has he ruled out wanting kids himself?
He's not dying to have children, and has even indicated he would be absolutely fine not having them. People change though, and I assume the time will come that he will want to start a family. I don't believe either one of us believes we are in this for the very long haul. It's great for both of us right now and suits both of our stations in life. I presume at some point the pendulum will swing for me, and I will look for one who is more attentive. Right now, what we have is fantastic, except for the lack of touch and physical together time.
And if he only wants to keep the communication going and not meet, is that enough for you to want to continue?
For now, oh my gosh, yes. I spent the year without him and know exactly what I am missing when we are not together. We have both coached each other through some pretty great stages in life and have come out the other side better people I think. For example, he was very shy and had a good deal of awkwardness in crowds and networking. He saw it as a problem. I am an extrovert and love that stuff, so we would talk through situations, role play, etc., until he felt a level of comfort with it. Now you would never know he struggled - he calls himself a people person and loves to work the crowd. Just makes me smile so much to think about it! On the flip side, he has helped me to see I need to stand my ground when I have a tendency to be a little too chill about situations.
All in all, the relationship is fun and fulfilling.
So again, I'm mostly just curious about why he is so triggered about spending time together in person. He can't seem to verbalize an answer beyond, "I don't feel like I have the time or energy for that." I am hoping a DA will have some insight to help me understand more.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 30, 2019 4:08:38 GMT
Are you sure he is actually DA?
He has not taken a test, so I cannot say with absolute certainty, but, man, I would pretty much stake my life on it. He manifests most of the signs in Jeb's books. His childhood fits the profile, more or less. He is allergic to anyone who is needy and demanding in any way. A cute side note: After our first discussion about attachment styles he asked me to send him some information about it. I did and never heard a response. Later, I asked him what he thought about it. He said, "Yeah, I read the first few lines of the first article, then both dismissed it and avoided it." Made me laugh! I would think a DA would not want to have the expectation that he would be so available electronically all the time.
Certainly not all the time. He creates his availability on his schedule. We talk mostly during his commute. He initiates 95% of the phone calls. Texting is probably 50/50. Have you asked if you can come visit him on his turf?
Yes, but the response is the same. It's not so much about the money, the travel time, or even the convenience as it is his protection of his down time. Has he ruled out wanting kids himself?
He's not dying to have children, and has even indicated he would be absolutely fine not having them. People change though, and I assume the time will come that he will want to start a family. I don't believe either one of us believes we are in this for the very long haul. It's great for both of us right now and suits both of our stations in life. I presume at some point the pendulum will swing for me, and I will look for one who is more attentive. Right now, what we have is fantastic, except for the lack of touch and physical together time. And if he only wants to keep the communication going and not meet, is that enough for you to want to continue?For now, oh my gosh, yes. I spent the year without him and know exactly what I am missing when we are not together. We have both coached each other through some pretty great stages in life and have come out the other side better people I think. For example, he was very shy and had a good deal of awkwardness in crowds and networking. He saw it as a problem. I am an extrovert and love that stuff, so we would talk through situations, role play, etc., until he felt a level of comfort with it. Now you would never know he struggled - he calls himself a people person and loves to work the crowd. Just makes me smile so much to think about it! On the flip side, he has helped me to see I need to stand my ground when I have a tendency to be a little too chill about situations. All in all, the relationship is fun and fulfilling. So again, I'm mostly just curious about why he is so triggered about spending time together in person. He can't seem to verbalize an answer beyond, "I don't feel like I have the time or energy for that." I am hoping a DA will have some insight to help me understand more. Maybe space and being close triggers his avoidance the same way space triggers my AP. He |
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Post by mrob on Jan 30, 2019 4:58:24 GMT
browneyes, buy the book and read it. It’ll be a real eye opener. This stuff is the lens through which we see all relationships, yourself included.
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lisa
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Post by lisa on Jan 30, 2019 15:19:00 GMT
I applaud you. For me, what you have is a fantasy, not real. But that is me. Best of luck!
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lisa
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Post by lisa on Jan 30, 2019 15:19:55 GMT
I am not even sure how you can talk about kids or marriage or living together if you cannot be in the same room together. Are you sure he is not seeing someone at home?
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lisa
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Post by lisa on Jan 30, 2019 15:22:30 GMT
Here it is verbalized: either he is not actually into it, seeing someone else or it triggers deep fear for him. That is a feeling and men and DAs are poor at talking about feelings. However, you are seeing in his actions, which says everything.
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lisa
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Post by lisa on Jan 30, 2019 15:23:14 GMT
Feel anxious, retreat from action, justify with other stuff.
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Post by sissyk on Jan 30, 2019 15:58:26 GMT
I applaud you. For me, what you have is a fantasy, not real. But that is me. Best of luck! I don't think it is a fantasy from the description here. Sounds like a real connection forged over many many hours. It is not a textbook boy girl love romance courtship, but I think people can be in our lives in all kinds of enriching ways. That said, it is what it is, sounds like. You can try to understand his motivations til the cows come home but that doesn't change his position. He has said he doesn't want to spend time in person. That could be a DA thing or it could be a seeing someone else on the sly thing or it could be an introvert thing or a not as into it as you are thing or--most likely-- a mixed grill of motivations. I think you need to accept it for what it is and try to appreciate it as such. You are not going to change his decision by behaving a certain way or understanding every nuance of why he doesn't want to see you. Perhaps more DAs will weigh in as this is what you are wanting...but it will be speculation about a complex individual that no one here has met. I know this because I came to these boards wanting info on how my DA processes the world. The tough love message I got from DAs here was you can't change him. You can only be direct and decide what you want/can accept. |
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Post by browneyes on Jan 31, 2019 1:35:47 GMT
I am not even sure how you can talk about kids or marriage or living together if you cannot be in the same room together. Are you sure he is not seeing someone at home? I'm not quite sure what gave you the idea we were talking about kids or marriage. Quite the opposite. He may decide he wants to start a family one day, but it will not be with me. I have no desire for marriage or living together, with him or anyone else. It is possible he is seeing somebody else, but he has told me he isn't. I believe him. He has never given me reason to doubt him. |
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Post by browneyes on Jan 31, 2019 1:48:49 GMT
[quote timestamp="1548861540" The tough love message I got from DAs here was you can't change him. You can only be direct and decide what you want/can accept. I'm afraid I haven't communicated very well if I have given the impression that I want to change him! I am crazy about him the way he is. What I want is to understand him. I'm okay with not knowing.I will reread Jeb's books as mrob suggested. Thank you for helping me process. |
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