Seeking guidance from DA women

I think I disagree with your suggestion that your previous partner wasn't toxic for you if I am understanding this most recent post correctly. ***Edited: I went back to re-read and you said many of your former partners were not toxic and didn't specifically make a statement regarding your most recent... sorry! *** This isn't to say that you were healthy, or that the other party was the cause of all the difficulty either. You admit (I think?) that you weren't emotionally available in the relationship, and also point to inconsistency from your partner. Inconsistency, the unpredictability of not/cold and intimacy/unavailability, is based in insecurity and creates a toxic environment. It sounds like perhaps you were toxic for each other, does that sound right? I could be reading it wrong.

Inconsistency and unavailability can take the form of avoidance, or on the other end, anxiety and emotional liability and reactivity, any ism that has to do with substance abuse or addiction of any kind, inadequate or unhealthy communication habits, etc. Inconsistency and unavailability is toxic because of the instability it creates.

There is a video on the thread titled DA Resources that outlines incredibly accurately what a loving and supportive relationship looks like to a DA. If you were involved in relationships in which you were not aware of an expressing these needs, or your partner was for some reason unable to validate and meet those relationship needs for you, then the relationship was likely unsatisfying and unhealthy for you. Only when I was able to identify and validate those personal needs, and advocate for them in a relationship, was I able to move into more secure relating and emotional intimacy. It's been a trial and error process with an upward trajectory in terms of progress and increasing emotional understanding and health.

Of course, having the experience of identifying and validating healthy needs in yourself builds empathy and understanding that supports your ability to communicate and understand your partners needs as well. So it's a great place to start, maybe, just make yourself available to listen to that video and bond with your own needs, your own love and understanding of yourself . When you relate to others, your friends, family, a potential love interest, you can wear those needs as a part of you that protects you and helps you be strong and real. It will put you in a much better place for the give and take of a relationship that feels good. And it will also enable you to recognize clearly when something isn't supportive, healthy, nurturing, and good for you. Instead of hanging around vaguely hurting and not knowing why it feels so bad, you'll KNOW and be able to make good choices around it. Choices to communicate, negotiate, leave, whatever is appropriate. You will likely be able to trust your judgment better when you're listening and supporting yourself in an honest way.

At least this has been my experience.

Also, there are many valid reasons for not wanting to be engaged in an intimate relationship at this time, or any time. Dismissive avoidance recovery doesn't mean being in a relationship when you would rather not. It means being healthier in a relationship when you're in one. Showing up and being fair and available to yourself and the other. There is absolutely no obligation to have an intimate partner, and you can be healthy and happy without if you so choose. No one to please here, if you're single, the only one you need to please and take care of is yourself (and your dependents.)