|
|
Post by waeric77 on Jan 29, 2019 4:30:59 GMT
Good evening, I’m new to this forum and still getting caught up on reading. I’ve been listening to audiobooks from Jeb Kin is on on avoidants and trying to figure things out. I just got out of a 3 yeR relationship with my ex girlfriend in December. I’m looking to get some insight from other DA women here as I have questions about whether or not avoidants will reconcile (reconsider), etc. Nkt sure if there are DA women here but would love to be able to network and ask some questions to get better insight into how avoidants think and feel and such.
Looking forward to connecting with folks.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 29, 2019 5:28:16 GMT
Good evening, I’m new to this forum and still getting caught up on reading. I’ve been listening to audiobooks from Jeb Kin is on on avoidants and trying to figure things out. I just got out of a 3 yeR relationship with my ex girlfriend in December. I’m looking to get some insight from other DA women here as I have questions about whether or not avoidants will reconcile (reconsider), etc. Nkt sure if there are DA women here but would love to be able to network and ask some questions to get better insight into how avoidants think and feel and such. Looking forward to connecting with folks. Hey, I’m AP but my ex is DA- we still see each other. I can tell you that a DA is very reluctant to reconcile as they have major trust issues. It’s very hard for them to trust and to give and receive love so once they feel a relationship is damaged enough to leave or just not compatible, they do not easily come back. They shut down emotionally as a way to protect themselves and feel safe. Patience and compassion is needed to attempt to rebuild trust. This is what I’ve found with my DA. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2019 3:01:25 GMT
Good evening, I’m new to this forum and still getting caught up on reading. I’ve been listening to audiobooks from Jeb Kin is on on avoidants and trying to figure things out. I just got out of a 3 yeR relationship with my ex girlfriend in December. I’m looking to get some insight from other DA women here as I have questions about whether or not avoidants will reconcile (reconsider), etc. Nkt sure if there are DA women here but would love to be able to network and ask some questions to get better insight into how avoidants think and feel and such. Looking forward to connecting with folks. I am a DA woman. I cannot venture to guess about your ex partner. I can tell you that of the two relationships I have attempted in the last few years, I did try reconciliation soon after the breakup (initiated by me, both relationships). I was invested in both relationships and was open to trying to preserve them once my intital need to withdraw from pain receded. I'm not talking weeks, I'm talking days. The issues that caused enough pain to intitially break up were not resolved and I eventually left for good, knowing it was for good. I would not consider allowing either of those relationships to influence me deeply ever again, although one has resurfaced as a light friendship that provides companionship (which is what I mourn the absolute hardest when I leave a relationship.) If any amount of time over a week or two passes after a breakup without me making obvious steps to reconcile either by acceptance of an offer or my own overt requests to do so, it's safe to say that a reconciliation is not on the table for me. It's true that if my trust is really broken somehow I am loathe to invest again because it's not worth the risk to me. I think everyone has a breaking point. Also, if it's over-over for me I will likely have some anger to resolve, as well as sadness, and I will stop contact for a while to recover and get my footing again. I won't venture into a friendship with an ex with latent romantic feelings OR resentment. I have to have a clean slate emotionally to engage again. And if I do, it will be to preserve the things I enjoyed without the deep involvement and emotional risk of the original romantic relationship. This is only my way of being, I can't speak for anyone else and wouldn't venture a guess about anyone else. There are so many factors involved. I believe the best way to get real answers about this is to speak directly to the person you are curious about, and listen to what they say, without looking for hidden messages. If that isn't possible then obviously reconciliation isn't either, at least not now. Additionally, obviously I have only experienced reconciliation as a means of learning that the original issues were a good reason to leave the unhealthy relationship, and eliminate any doubt that I had that I was doing the best thing for myself in the long run. I definitely would rather have stability and emotional safety alone than instability and emotional turmoil with a partner. Breakups are major changes and I think we all resist change to some degree. Some submit and adapt to it more easily than others. In terms of attachment style, I am very low in anxiety. An avoidant with a higher level of anxiousness might be more open to reconciliation, but I don't know. Again, it really depends on so many different things, and certainly on more than just attachment style. I'm sorry you're going through it. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 4, 2019 5:29:21 GMT
Good evening, I’m new to this forum and still getting caught up on reading. I’ve been listening to audiobooks from Jeb Kin is on on avoidants and trying to figure things out. I just got out of a 3 yeR relationship with my ex girlfriend in December. I’m looking to get some insight from other DA women here as I have questions about whether or not avoidants will reconcile (reconsider), etc. Nkt sure if there are DA women here but would love to be able to network and ask some questions to get better insight into how avoidants think and feel and such. Looking forward to connecting with folks. I am a DA woman. I cannot venture to guess about your ex partner. I can tell you that of the two relationships I have attempted in the last few years, I did try reconciliation soon after the breakup (initiated by me, both relationships). I was invested in both relationships and was open to trying to preserve them once my intital need to withdraw from pain receded. I'm not talking weeks, I'm talking days. The issues that caused enough pain to intitially break up were not resolved and I eventually left for good, knowing it was for good. I would not consider allowing either of those relationships to influence me deeply ever again, although one has resurfaced as a light friendship that provides companionship (which is what I mourn the absolute hardest when I leave a relationship.) If any amount of time over a week or two passes after a breakup without me making obvious steps to reconcile either by acceptance of an offer or my own overt requests to do so, it's safe to say that a reconciliation is not on the table for me. It's true that if my trust is really broken somehow I am loathe to invest again because it's not worth the risk to me. I think everyone has a breaking point. Also, if it's over-over for me I will likely have some anger to resolve, as well as sadness, and I will stop contact for a while to recover and get my footing again. I won't venture into a friendship with an ex with latent romantic feelings OR resentment. I have to have a clean slate emotionally to engage again. And if I do, it will be to preserve the things I enjoyed without the deep involvement and emotional risk of the original romantic relationship. This is only my way of being, I can't speak for anyone else and wouldn't venture a guess about anyone else. There are so many factors involved. I believe the best way to get real answers about this is to speak directly to the person you are curious about, and listen to what they say, without looking for hidden messages. If that isn't possible then obviously reconciliation isn't either, at least not now. Additionally, obviously I have only experienced reconciliation as a means of learning that the original issues were a good reason to leave the unhealthy relationship, and eliminate any doubt that I had that I was doing the best thing for myself in the long run. I definitely would rather have stability and emotional safety alone than instability and emotional turmoil with a partner. Breakups are major changes and I think we all resist change to some degree. Some submit and adapt to it more easily than others. In terms of attachment style, I am very low in anxiety. An avoidant with a higher level of anxiousness might be more open to reconciliation, but I don't know. Again, it really depends on so many different things, and certainly on more than just attachment style. I'm sorry you're going through it. @nullified - That’s what I experienced with my ex DA. A couple of days after he broke up with me he was still willing to spend the entire weekend with me and things seemed to be back on track. I was still rattled though and feeling very insecure when he mentioned the following Wednesday that he would be spending Thanksgiving with his family and away from me- I attached a lot of meaning to this since he had previously made a big deal about spending Thanksgiving together. I couldn’t accept it- I got upset and overreacted. I went home and kept my emotions bottled up until the morning- I shot off 5 “you don’t care about me” texts. That sealed the deal. He’s now been emotionally shut down for 14 months- he sees me, but he’s a shell of his former self. I didn’t know about attachment style then- clear to see now the many pitfalls. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2019 12:58:31 GMT
I am a DA woman. I cannot venture to guess about your ex partner. I can tell you that of the two relationships I have attempted in the last few years, I did try reconciliation soon after the breakup (initiated by me, both relationships). I was invested in both relationships and was open to trying to preserve them once my intital need to withdraw from pain receded. I'm not talking weeks, I'm talking days. The issues that caused enough pain to intitially break up were not resolved and I eventually left for good, knowing it was for good. I would not consider allowing either of those relationships to influence me deeply ever again, although one has resurfaced as a light friendship that provides companionship (which is what I mourn the absolute hardest when I leave a relationship.) If any amount of time over a week or two passes after a breakup without me making obvious steps to reconcile either by acceptance of an offer or my own overt requests to do so, it's safe to say that a reconciliation is not on the table for me. It's true that if my trust is really broken somehow I am loathe to invest again because it's not worth the risk to me. I think everyone has a breaking point. Also, if it's over-over for me I will likely have some anger to resolve, as well as sadness, and I will stop contact for a while to recover and get my footing again. I won't venture into a friendship with an ex with latent romantic feelings OR resentment. I have to have a clean slate emotionally to engage again. And if I do, it will be to preserve the things I enjoyed without the deep involvement and emotional risk of the original romantic relationship. This is only my way of being, I can't speak for anyone else and wouldn't venture a guess about anyone else. There are so many factors involved. I believe the best way to get real answers about this is to speak directly to the person you are curious about, and listen to what they say, without looking for hidden messages. If that isn't possible then obviously reconciliation isn't either, at least not now. Additionally, obviously I have only experienced reconciliation as a means of learning that the original issues were a good reason to leave the unhealthy relationship, and eliminate any doubt that I had that I was doing the best thing for myself in the long run. I definitely would rather have stability and emotional safety alone than instability and emotional turmoil with a partner. Breakups are major changes and I think we all resist change to some degree. Some submit and adapt to it more easily than others. In terms of attachment style, I am very low in anxiety. An avoidant with a higher level of anxiousness might be more open to reconciliation, but I don't know. Again, it really depends on so many different things, and certainly on more than just attachment style. I'm sorry you're going through it. @nullified - That’s what I experienced with my ex DA. A couple of days after he broke up with me he was still willing to spend the entire weekend with me and things seemed to be back on track. I was still rattled though and feeling very insecure when he mentioned the following Wednesday that he would be spending Thanksgiving with his family and away from me- I attached a lot of meaning to this since he had previously made a big deal about spending Thanksgiving together. I couldn’t accept it- I got upset and overreacted. I went home and kept my emotions bottled up until the morning- I shot off 5 “you don’t care about me” texts. That sealed the deal. He’s now been emotionally shut down for 14 months- he sees me, but he’s a shell of his former self. I didn’t know about attachment style then- clear to see now the many pitfalls. You're seeing a man that broke up with you 14 months ago and has been emotionally shut down since then? Has anyone pointed out that this is likely you acting out your own attachment story? It seems like you yourself must be a shell, unable to give and receive love, if you are still in this situation and actively processing it. Have you explored your own issues around this? I'm only responding to your comment directed at me; if it's not a conversation you meant to have I understand and will not pursue it. These situations are very messy and no one can untangle them but the people actually involved. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 4, 2019 15:43:14 GMT
@nullified - That’s what I experienced with my ex DA. A couple of days after he broke up with me he was still willing to spend the entire weekend with me and things seemed to be back on track. I was still rattled though and feeling very insecure when he mentioned the following Wednesday that he would be spending Thanksgiving with his family and away from me- I attached a lot of meaning to this since he had previously made a big deal about spending Thanksgiving together. I couldn’t accept it- I got upset and overreacted. I went home and kept my emotions bottled up until the morning- I shot off 5 “you don’t care about me” texts. That sealed the deal. He’s now been emotionally shut down for 14 months- he sees me, but he’s a shell of his former self. I didn’t know about attachment style then- clear to see now the many pitfalls. You're seeing a man that broke up with you 14 months ago and has been emotionally shut down since then? Has anyone pointed out that this is likely you acting out your own attachment story? It seems like you yourself must be a shell, unable to give and receive love, if you are still in this situation and actively processing it. Have you explored your own issues around this? I'm only responding to your comment directed at me; if it's not a conversation you meant to have I understand and will not pursue it. These situations are very messy and no one can untangle them but the people actually involved. Yup, seeing a man 14 months who broke up with me. I’ve been working on my own AP attachment trauma since the break. I’m not in a shell, no, but I do still fear losing him completely from my life. I’ve been exploring my issues- that’s what led me here. I’m able to give and receive love- that’s not my issue. That is his. As an AP, mine is fear of abandonment. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2019 16:10:49 GMT
You're seeing a man that broke up with you 14 months ago and has been emotionally shut down since then? Has anyone pointed out that this is likely you acting out your own attachment story? It seems like you yourself must be a shell, unable to give and receive love, if you are still in this situation and actively processing it. Have you explored your own issues around this? I'm only responding to your comment directed at me; if it's not a conversation you meant to have I understand and will not pursue it. These situations are very messy and no one can untangle them but the people actually involved. Yup, seeing a man 14 months who broke up with me. I’ve been working on my own AP attachment trauma since the break. I’m not in a shell, no, but I do still fear losing him completely from my life. I’ve been exploring my issues- that’s what led me here. I’m able to give and receive love- that’s not my issue. That is his. As an AP, mine is fear of abandonment. With all due respect, and forgive me if I am overstepping and have misunderstood your motivation in continuing the discussion- it seems as though you've been exploring his issues perhaps a little more than would be helpful to resolving your own? Here is a really good article that describes emotional enmeshment: www.loveaddictiontreatment.com/loveaddictionnews/the-danger-of-enmeshed-relationships/ I share it because it almost seems as though you have a desire to not only reclaim a relationship with him but also to rescue him somehow. Perhaps I am mistaken but either way, I want to make sure I carefully limit discussions here that don't have to do with my attempts to identify and improve my own patterns and habits. Best of luck, it's complex and a full time job to figure out ourselves isn't it? I shared on this thread because it's a way of thinking out loud so to speak. It may or may not be helpful to someone else, but it's helpful for me because it prompts my own introspection into what's going on in my own life and relationships. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 4, 2019 16:17:10 GMT
Yup, seeing a man 14 months who broke up with me. I’ve been working on my own AP attachment trauma since the break. I’m not in a shell, no, but I do still fear losing him completely from my life. I’ve been exploring my issues- that’s what led me here. I’m able to give and receive love- that’s not my issue. That is his. As an AP, mine is fear of abandonment. With all due respect, and forgive me if I am overstepping and have misunderstood your motivation in continuing the discussion- it seems as though you've been exploring his issues perhaps a little more than would be helpful to resolving your own? Here is a really good article that describes emotional enmeshment: www.loveaddictiontreatment.com/loveaddictionnews/the-danger-of-enmeshed-relationships/ I share it because it almost seems as though you have a desire to not only reclaim a relationship with him but also to rescue him somehow. Perhaps I am mistaken but either way, I want to make sure I carefully limit discussions here that don't have to do with my attempts to identify and improve my own patterns and habits. Best of luck, it's complex and a full time job to figure out ourselves isn't it? I shared on this thread because it's a way of thinking out loud so to speak. It may or may not be helpful to someone else, but it's helpful for me because it prompts my own introspection into what's going on in my own life and relationships. Yes, I already read that article. I’ve definitely researched and addressed my own attachment, counseling etc and then stumbled upon DA attachment. Initially my focus was all on me. However, I know we both contribute to this dynamic. It helped me greatly to understand myself and also him. I think it’s beneficial to see both sides, not only in interacting with him but in talking to other potential partners. |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Feb 4, 2019 16:28:45 GMT
I am a DA woman (FA in my last relationship but only when with a partner more avoidant than me) I am not sure that generalisation is helpful, but when in full on DA mode I walk and never look back - I can even rationalise to myself exactly why I don't want to try again - as though I talk myself out of the relationship entirely and then want nothing to do with it in order that my reality isn't challenged.
That having been said, in recent times having become more self aware, I do know that I'm doing this - and I now have began to desire the real intimacy that in the past I have always pushed away or avoided. I am still nowhere near skilled at this - and feel safest with fellow avoidants, but I do no longer want to settle without intimacy however difficult it is for me to achieve!
I'm interested @nullified in your description of pain in relationships - if it's not anxiety what is it and what triggers it? I feel just a kind of solid dead feeling when I know I'm done- and a strong urge to run away and feel alive once again.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2019 17:01:43 GMT
I am a DA woman (FA in my last relationship but only when with a partner more avoidant than me) I am not sure that generalisation is helpful, but when in full on DA mode I walk and never look back - I can even rationalise to myself exactly why I don't want to try again - as though I talk myself out of the relationship entirely and then want nothing to do with it in order that my reality isn't challenged. That having been said, in recent times having become more self aware, I do know that I'm doing this - and I now have began to desire the real intimacy that in the past I have always pushed away or avoided. I am still nowhere near skilled at this - and feel safest with fellow avoidants, but I do no longer want to settle without intimacy however difficult it is for me to achieve! I'm interested @nullified in your description of pain in relationships - if it's not anxiety what is it and what triggers it? I feel just a kind of solid dead feeling when I know I'm done- and a strong urge to run away and feel alive once again. I don't believe that walking away from the relationships I'm referring to was unhealthy or avoidant actually. My reasons for leaving were to enforce boundaries around disrespect and emotional manipulation. So for instance, in the last relationship, I told my partner about a situation that I was uncomfortable with, in which an angry and aggressive man asked me out and was unhappy with the fact that I declined and told him I was seeing someone (my partner). I wanted to trust my partner with this for a couple of reasons: First, because this other man is an acquaintance of both of us, and if any rumors resulted I wanted him to have the information from me directly. Second, I was uncomfortable with the manner of approach this man took and wanted my partner to know I was uncomfortable. What happened, was that my partner, due to his insecurity and jealousy, became triggered and made up a big story about how when we were broken up previously he pursued another woman. It was a complete fabrication, as was ultimately revealed, designed to induce the jealousy and insecurity he was feeling about the approach of this other guy. (He's a good looking guy). The communication around all this , coming from him, was triggered and dishonest and just very unacceptable, and it totally blindsided me. He introduced his fabricated interest in another woman at a time when we were working to build trust and security in the relationship. I was actually protecting our intimacy by being open about the situation that arose for me (I in no way pursued another man nor did I imply an interest in him). The damage done to trust there was the final straw. I had seen jealousy and insecurity (which I think comes from low self esteem) in other forms that were destructive but this took the cake. It was very painful, and it was also false and a complete manipulation designed as a defense against his own insecurity and fear. So, while I'm definitely dismissive and deactivate when triggered, I also see more clearly when a dynamic is truly unhealthy for me and creates instability that hampers my growth and well being. |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Feb 4, 2019 20:17:45 GMT
I am a DA woman (FA in my last relationship but only when with a partner more avoidant than me) I am not sure that generalisation is helpful, but when in full on DA mode I walk and never look back - I can even rationalise to myself exactly why I don't want to try again - as though I talk myself out of the relationship entirely and then want nothing to do with it in order that my reality isn't challenged. That having been said, in recent times having become more self aware, I do know that I'm doing this - and I now have began to desire the real intimacy that in the past I have always pushed away or avoided. I am still nowhere near skilled at this - and feel safest with fellow avoidants, but I do no longer want to settle without intimacy however difficult it is for me to achieve! I'm interested @nullified in your description of pain in relationships - if it's not anxiety what is it and what triggers it? I feel just a kind of solid dead feeling when I know I'm done- and a strong urge to run away and feel alive once again. I don't believe that walking away from the relationships I'm referring to was unhealthy or avoidant actually. My reasons for leaving were to enforce boundaries around disrespect and emotional manipulation. So for instance, in the last relationship, I told my partner about a situation that I was uncomfortable with, in which an angry and aggressive man asked me out and was unhappy with the fact that I declined and told him I was seeing someone (my partner). I wanted to trust my partner with this for a couple of reasons: First, because this other man is an acquaintance of both of us, and if any rumors resulted I wanted him to have the information from me directly. Second, I was uncomfortable with the manner of approach this man took and wanted my partner to know I was uncomfortable. What happened, was that my partner, due to his insecurity and jealousy, became triggered and made up a big story about how when we were broken up previously he pursued another woman. It was a complete fabrication, as was ultimately revealed, designed to induce the jealousy and insecurity he was feeling about the approach of this other guy. (He's a good looking guy). The communication around all this , coming from him, was triggered and dishonest and just very unacceptable, and it totally blindsided me. He introduced his fabricated interest in another woman at a time when we were working to build trust and security in the relationship. I was actually protecting our intimacy by being open about the situation that arose for me (I in no way pursued another man nor did I imply an interest in him). The damage done to trust there was the final straw. I had seen jealousy and insecurity (which I think comes from low self esteem) in other forms that were destructive but this took the cake. It was very painful, and it was also false and a complete manipulation designed as a defense against his own insecurity and fear. So, while I'm definitely dismissive and deactivate when triggered, I also see more clearly when a dynamic is truly unhealthy for me and creates instability that hampers my growth and well being. That sounds incredibly toxic and yes - I can see why reconciliation was not on the cards - and rightly so. The sad thing is that in many relationships my partners were not toxic - but I was unable to let down the dismissive distant guard and therefore never bonded enough to really regret leaving. Something I now believe may have been related to not wanting to be really seen. It's also sad that any of them coming towards me to persuade me into staying would have resulted in my running even faster in the opposite direction.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2019 20:41:33 GMT
ocarina I am able to bond and enjoy intimacy by now. I feel good about what I am able to provide and recieve in a relationship. For me, being able to say NO to what doesn't meet my criteria for safe and healthy communication or relating is very good growth. Dismissiveness allowed me to hide out in toxic situations before I understood what I understand now. Are you actively working on increasing your emotional availability? Awareness of the problem and limitations of our attachment style is only half awareness, in my opinion. A productive discussion I believe includes an awareness of steps to take to solve the problem, I think that can get overlooked a lot. Most of the resources I have encountered that illuminate the dysfunction in how we relate also illuminate the path to overcoming, and I have taken that stuff to heart along the way. It's really like any kind of learning, where you practice and try new things and expand your comfort zone through actual experience. Also, in reference to the "free" feeling after leaving a relationship. I do always experience what is termed "separation elation " when I return to singledom, but I consider that kind of a vestigial aspect of dismissive attachment. It's surely a reflex of some sort, and is transitional and illusory in my experience. I experienced it both of these breakups and also felt bonded and invested and present in both relationships. Once the initial elation subsided then it's just a process of grief and resolution just like anyone else, for me. When I have processed the breakup and uncovered what I am able to learn from the experience, then I am able to be truly more peaceful and content with where I'm at. It's all just evolution I suppose.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Feb 4, 2019 20:58:58 GMT
Awareness of the problem and limitations of our attachment style is only half awareness, in my opinion. A productive discussion I believe includes an awareness of steps to take to solve the problem, I think that can get overlooked a lot. Most of the resources I have encountered that illuminate the dysfunction in how we relate also illuminate the path to overcoming, and I have taken that stuff to heart along the way. It's really like any kind of learning, where you practice and try new things and expand your comfort zone through actual experience. Here here! Heartily agree, for all the insecure attachment styles. |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Feb 4, 2019 21:17:53 GMT
ocarina I am able to bond and enjoy intimacy by now. I feel good about what I am able to provide and recieve in a relationship. For me, being able to say NO to what doesn't meet my criteria for safe and healthy communication or relating is very good growth. Dismissiveness allowed me to hide out in toxic situations before I understood what I understand now. Are you actively working on increasing your emotional availability? Awareness of the problem and limitations of our attachment style is only half awareness, in my opinion. A productive discussion I believe includes an awareness of steps to take to solve the problem, I think that can get overlooked a lot. Most of the resources I have encountered that illuminate the dysfunction in how we relate also illuminate the path to overcoming, and I have taken that stuff to heart along the way. It's really like any kind of learning, where you practice and try new things and expand your comfort zone through actual experience. Also, in reference to the "free" feeling after leaving a relationship. I do always experience what is termed "separation elation " when I return to singledom, but I consider that kind of a vestigial aspect of dismissive attachment. It's surely a reflex of some sort, and is transitional and illusory in my experience. I experienced it both of these breakups and also felt bonded and invested and present in both relationships. Once the initial elation subsided then it's just a process of grief and resolution just like anyone else, for me. When I have processed the breakup and uncovered what I am able to learn from the experience, then I am able to be truly more peaceful and content with where I'm at. It's all just evolution I suppose. Awareness was somewhere back at the start and it's been a process for me - culminating in leaving behind the relationship that kept me hooked for a long time in a swing between intimacy and unavailability - I think quite comfortably hooked if I am honest. I still feel no huge desire for a relationship - I'm not sure if this is avoidance or just my life situation - I have lots of children, some of whom are still quite young, a full on profession and plenty to do outside of this so relationship often feels like a hinderance. It hasn't helped that my ex partner resurfaced some months ago full of declarations of undying love - I soon realised that the communication aspect of this relationship just wasn't safe enough for me and therefore disengaged although at present we are close friends. I am aware now that even this friendship brings with it discomfort in the form of intermittent reinforcement, the odd glimmers of hope. It may be time to cut all ties.
I am working on recognising my emotional patterns and being able to stay with them - and have developed some lovely close friendships which are a real joy - so yes, I guess I am a work in progress. My last relationship was the only one I've ever really mourned for any length of time - although now I'm doing some mourning from a temporal distance for some older relationships - strangely this in itself is growth!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2019 0:47:51 GMT
ocarina I am able to bond and enjoy intimacy by now. I feel good about what I am able to provide and recieve in a relationship. For me, being able to say NO to what doesn't meet my criteria for safe and healthy communication or relating is very good growth. Dismissiveness allowed me to hide out in toxic situations before I understood what I understand now. Are you actively working on increasing your emotional availability? Awareness of the problem and limitations of our attachment style is only half awareness, in my opinion. A productive discussion I believe includes an awareness of steps to take to solve the problem, I think that can get overlooked a lot. Most of the resources I have encountered that illuminate the dysfunction in how we relate also illuminate the path to overcoming, and I have taken that stuff to heart along the way. It's really like any kind of learning, where you practice and try new things and expand your comfort zone through actual experience. Also, in reference to the "free" feeling after leaving a relationship. I do always experience what is termed "separation elation " when I return to singledom, but I consider that kind of a vestigial aspect of dismissive attachment. It's surely a reflex of some sort, and is transitional and illusory in my experience. I experienced it both of these breakups and also felt bonded and invested and present in both relationships. Once the initial elation subsided then it's just a process of grief and resolution just like anyone else, for me. When I have processed the breakup and uncovered what I am able to learn from the experience, then I am able to be truly more peaceful and content with where I'm at. It's all just evolution I suppose. Awareness was somewhere back at the start and it's been a process for me - culminating in leaving behind the relationship that kept me hooked for a long time in a swing between intimacy and unavailability - I think quite comfortably hooked if I am honest. I still feel no huge desire for a relationship - I'm not sure if this is avoidance or just my life situation - I have lots of children, some of whom are still quite young, a full on profession and plenty to do outside of this so relationship often feels like a hinderance. It hasn't helped that my ex partner resurfaced some months ago full of declarations of undying love - I soon realised that the communication aspect of this relationship just wasn't safe enough for me and therefore disengaged although at present we are close friends. I am aware now that even this friendship brings with it discomfort in the form of intermittent reinforcement, the odd glimmers of hope. It may be time to cut all ties.
I am working on recognising my emotional patterns and being able to stay with them - and have developed some lovely close friendships which are a real joy - so yes, I guess I am a work in progress. My last relationship was the only one I've ever really mourned for any length of time - although now I'm doing some mourning from a temporal distance for some older relationships - strangely this in itself is growth!
I think I disagree with your suggestion that your previous partner wasn't toxic for you if I am understanding this most recent post correctly. ***Edited: I went back to re-read and you said many of your former partners were not toxic and didn't specifically make a statement regarding your most recent... sorry! *** This isn't to say that you were healthy, or that the other party was the cause of all the difficulty either. You admit (I think?) that you weren't emotionally available in the relationship, and also point to inconsistency from your partner. Inconsistency, the unpredictability of not/cold and intimacy/unavailability, is based in insecurity and creates a toxic environment. It sounds like perhaps you were toxic for each other, does that sound right? I could be reading it wrong. Inconsistency and unavailability can take the form of avoidance, or on the other end, anxiety and emotional liability and reactivity, any ism that has to do with substance abuse or addiction of any kind, inadequate or unhealthy communication habits, etc. Inconsistency and unavailability is toxic because of the instability it creates. There is a video on the thread titled DA Resources that outlines incredibly accurately what a loving and supportive relationship looks like to a DA. If you were involved in relationships in which you were not aware of an expressing these needs, or your partner was for some reason unable to validate and meet those relationship needs for you, then the relationship was likely unsatisfying and unhealthy for you. Only when I was able to identify and validate those personal needs, and advocate for them in a relationship, was I able to move into more secure relating and emotional intimacy. It's been a trial and error process with an upward trajectory in terms of progress and increasing emotional understanding and health. Of course, having the experience of identifying and validating healthy needs in yourself builds empathy and understanding that supports your ability to communicate and understand your partners needs as well. So it's a great place to start, maybe, just make yourself available to listen to that video and bond with your own needs, your own love and understanding of yourself . When you relate to others, your friends, family, a potential love interest, you can wear those needs as a part of you that protects you and helps you be strong and real. It will put you in a much better place for the give and take of a relationship that feels good. And it will also enable you to recognize clearly when something isn't supportive, healthy, nurturing, and good for you. Instead of hanging around vaguely hurting and not knowing why it feels so bad, you'll KNOW and be able to make good choices around it. Choices to communicate, negotiate, leave, whatever is appropriate. You will likely be able to trust your judgment better when you're listening and supporting yourself in an honest way. At least this has been my experience. Also, there are many valid reasons for not wanting to be engaged in an intimate relationship at this time, or any time. Dismissive avoidance recovery doesn't mean being in a relationship when you would rather not. It means being healthier in a relationship when you're in one. Showing up and being fair and available to yourself and the other. There is absolutely no obligation to have an intimate partner, and you can be healthy and happy without if you so choose. No one to please here, if you're single, the only one you need to please and take care of is yourself (and your dependents.) |
|
