Post by karuna on May 27, 2017 2:58:01 GMT
Hi,
My partner of a short while (6 months) broke up with me out of the blue a week ago, citing generalized incompatibility. It took me completely by surprise, as in the days and weeks leading up to the event, he consistently reflected that he felt happy and loved and in love. However, after lots of thought and research (especially Kinnison's work, Jeff Simpson's work on Attachment and Partner Buffering, and more), I fully understand the breakup and the relationship as a function of his dismissive-avoidant tendencies.
I personally have Earned Secure Attachment (super proud of all the hard work it took me to get here!), so I know I'll be fine, but we will likely have a "closure" conversation in a few weeks, and I was looking for suggestions as to how to go about this. For a dismissive-avoidant type, he's communicative, warm, honest, and open to admitting his faults -- but he also demonstrated extreme aversion to allowing any emotional vulnerability or deeper connection.
For context, we discussed being in this relationship for the long-run, made plans, and had successfully gotten through a few big conflicts (I'm pretty good with conflict resolution and realize I was intuitively doing some partner buffering and softening), but I realize that more largely, I had misread his attachment as secure, and did small things in our communication that triggered his deactivation strategies. I believe that were he to understand logically what his situation is, he would be one of the few people truly equipped to improve upon his relationship insecurity. However, I also understand what a long and involved process that would be, and I'm not holding out for anything at this point -- I don't want to get back together unless I have a high degree of certainty that he has understood the underlying issue.
So again, any suggestions on how to go about communicating this to him? Anyone have any success with showing an intimate partner their attachment style?
My partner of a short while (6 months) broke up with me out of the blue a week ago, citing generalized incompatibility. It took me completely by surprise, as in the days and weeks leading up to the event, he consistently reflected that he felt happy and loved and in love. However, after lots of thought and research (especially Kinnison's work, Jeff Simpson's work on Attachment and Partner Buffering, and more), I fully understand the breakup and the relationship as a function of his dismissive-avoidant tendencies.
I personally have Earned Secure Attachment (super proud of all the hard work it took me to get here!), so I know I'll be fine, but we will likely have a "closure" conversation in a few weeks, and I was looking for suggestions as to how to go about this. For a dismissive-avoidant type, he's communicative, warm, honest, and open to admitting his faults -- but he also demonstrated extreme aversion to allowing any emotional vulnerability or deeper connection.
For context, we discussed being in this relationship for the long-run, made plans, and had successfully gotten through a few big conflicts (I'm pretty good with conflict resolution and realize I was intuitively doing some partner buffering and softening), but I realize that more largely, I had misread his attachment as secure, and did small things in our communication that triggered his deactivation strategies. I believe that were he to understand logically what his situation is, he would be one of the few people truly equipped to improve upon his relationship insecurity. However, I also understand what a long and involved process that would be, and I'm not holding out for anything at this point -- I don't want to get back together unless I have a high degree of certainty that he has understood the underlying issue.
So again, any suggestions on how to go about communicating this to him? Anyone have any success with showing an intimate partner their attachment style?
