jenn
New Member
Posts: 21 
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Post by jenn on May 28, 2017 12:20:55 GMT
After nearly 10 months of our break-up I recently texted my ex AD about a few personal items I had left asked him to bring them to the club for a friend to pick up. He immediately responded.......already donated them to goodwill... I was taken back by his response....
I texted back and said, " thx a lot", you were wrong not to notify me...
How can he do this?
Also I had found out his dog had died and he didn't even text me to tell me. The dog had been sick for the two years we were together. He had sent me a picture two months prior saying " still ki'kn "...
I sent him a text saying I'm sorry to hear of Callie's passing. He never responded...
Up until then we every few months would text just about superficial things... Usually him reaching out to me...
I don't and can't wrap my brain around this.. And yes, I'm still in love with him.
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Post by howpredictable on May 28, 2017 14:27:05 GMT
Jenn, I am very sorry for what you are going though. It's baffling and feels hurtful, I know. But you are forming your expectations and judging his behavior based on what you, or a non-DA person would do. If you can try not to do that, you may feel better about things, and not take it personally.
People with DA attachment styles do not have normal responses to events and circumstances. It's a disorder, but one that's easy to miss until things like this happen and the former partner is left wondering how they could have been forgotten so easily. The whole key is to adjust your understanding of what his world feels like, and then view his reaction/non-reaction that way. DAs are lightly attached to people in the first place (if at all) and when they move on, as a self-protective mechanism, there's no lingering sense of attachment or obligation at all. Again, try not to take it personally, because it isn't.
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jenn
New Member
Posts: 21
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Post by jenn on May 28, 2017 15:14:32 GMT
Thank you for your response and advise.. That puts everything into perspective... No attachment to others or little and they appear to move on easily....
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on May 28, 2017 15:27:05 GMT
Hi Jenn
I'm the same as you, 10 months post breakup but we've had no contact for 9 months. As HowPredictable1 says, avoidants don't think in the same way as we do. I'm only just managing to sort my head out from my 4 year 'relationship' and it's been horrendous but am slowly getting there. There were red flags from day one!
Reading these boards and everyone else's experiences has helped enormously. And what I've learnt is that there was nothing I could do. My ex also had anger issues and was verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abuse, so I'm dealing with that too.
Did you ex always initiate contact? I think sometimes it's the control thing, if he contacted you he's ok with that but if you contact him he feels pressure. Read HowPredictable1 posts, she explained perfectly how avoidants respond, really helped me.
Try not to contact him, it's better in the long run. Keep reading and if you need to rant or ask questions or need advice keep posting, there's always someone here. We all understand what you're going through, it's confusing, heartbreaking and tough but will will emerge a stronger person.
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jenn
New Member
Posts: 21
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Post by jenn on May 28, 2017 16:27:51 GMT
I iniated the contact about the dog and my belongings... Prior he had made the contact.. He seems to be very angry and bitter towards me.. Which is new since I asked him 3 months ago to help pay for an old appraisal stating it was the right thing to do... He did not like that at all.. He fired back quoting me," speaking of doing the right thing".....
Very passive aggressive.
I'm sorry for your loss as well...
You're right he wants to be in control.. There is now no reason for me to contact him now that I know he disgusted my things like he did me... Line I was a loaded gun...
I wish I knew what I know now... I guess I should've listened to him when he said early on to " run".... I didn't choose to fall in love with him, my heart did... Miss him every day and I told him this 3 months ago snd how great it was to hear his voice when we talked... Dead air on the other end when I said this...
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Post by howpredictable on May 28, 2017 21:29:05 GMT
Jenn, I have a suggestion that will hopefully help, both for the fact that he has apparently cut you out of his thinking, and is now bitter toward you. (And by the way, mine seems to be the same, based on some information I accidentally learned from others. What I though was a civilized, mutual parting of ways has -- in his head -- turned into being all my mis-doing, I'm to blame for all kinds of things, and he's highly bitter).
You know those unfortunate homeless people who you see on street corners, wearing tin-foil hat and talking to light posts? Think of your Ex that way. In his case, the disorder is less obvious, but it's all along the same spectrum. You wouldn't expect normal reactions from the guy in the tin-foil hat, and you wouldn't expect him to see the world as the rest of us do.
It's a disorder, and it makes them behave differently than you expect. And by the way, Jenn, I have Dismissive Avoidant tendencies too (though my Ex was more severe than me, which is why we were able to date for a while) so I can tell you first-hand that the twisted thought processes are very uncontrollable.
Hope that helps.
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on May 28, 2017 22:12:29 GMT
Maybe it's his way of dealing with things by being angry, avoidants can't deal with things the way we do.
My ex also said something similar to yours, he once said "get out now, if I don't hurt you now I'll hurt you in 5 years!" I guess they know something isn't quite right but can't work it out.
All the while your ex contacted you he was in control but as soon as you asked him to help you his control is lost again and I'm guessing the confusion in his head starts again.
A week after my breakup my ex said to give him time, so I left him alone for a couple of weeks then started texting again, just friendly text, he responded in a basic way. Then suddenly after another couple of weeks he cut me off and told me that we couldn't have anymore contact and we weren't getting back together.
I'm glad he did that though as it didn't take long for me to realise how desperately unhappy I was, I felt anxious and depressed. I never knew what on earth was going on. Like you, I wish I'd never met him and feel sorry for whoever he is with now. Avoidants rarely change unless they get professional help.
It will take time for you to process what's happened but take your time and you will get there.
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