Avoidant actions after break up.. leaving me CONFUSED

Hi jrewsus,
Sorry to hear about your experience. These situations are always tough, as most of us start falling in love with someone, often even before their DA behaviours start appearing or become obvious. It's always hard to disengage when there are so many other things we like/love about the person and they keep coming around and giving us scraps of intimacy and glimpses of hope.

It seems like you have a pretty good handle on the situation, and have done your best to support this person and try to suggest some reading on attachment theory. If she's not interesting in exploring more, there isn't much you can do. Even if she was open to learning more, it would be a long winding road to understanding. It sounds like you were already struggling with the anxious/avoidant trap, so you're probably just avoiding a lot of future pain and struggle.

The great news is you're aware and educated about attachment already, which means someone awesome and secure is going to come along for you and you'll know how to spot it. And in return you'll be able to be awesome and secure back for her.

My final advice would be do go no contact with this person, so that you can move on and start dating other people.

I think I have successfully knocked myself back down... -_-

In the past week we went form full on great back to the point now where she is bearly talking to me again.. I feel so numb and depressed for letting myself get back to feeling like this.

basically Wed, Thru of last week saw eachother and did things we'd normally do ( work out, grocery shop, have food, talk, laugh, flirt)

on Friday we decided to go on a date... my first trigger went off, I usually picked her up, she insisted on meeting me by my house then we leave from there, My though was that she was seeing someone else on our time apart and didnt want her family to see me get her. she said she just didnt want to be asked questions by her family.
I let it be but it bothered me the whole night, I pushed it aside, we had a great date, talked about alot, laughed, and she even came over after. Things became intimate and it was a mutual good time.

she left around 2am and go home i couldn't shake the though of her and someone else, and when i asked her about it at first she was very dismissive but vaguely said no. When she called to say she got in I again asked her, which angered her, she said she told me this answer and how I keep asking about stupid things. she then proceeded to say how I messed up the great night we had.

The next day she was standoffish towards me, saying how she though it was a bad idea that she came back. She was hesitant if this could work. We talked it through I told her it was a set back but I will correct it. Not knowing how hard that was. WE had a good day hanging out. That night we both had different things to do. She told me what she had plan but was vague with details, not checking in at all.

AS the night progressed I got anxious, I sent her a txt just saying hey hope your night is going well. no response for a while, about 2hrs later I txted her back "thanks for responding". she responded about 1/2 after that, with a very vague txt also getting upset about my comment for not responding.

The night progresses, i txt she doesnt respond. So I call her to see if we could possibly meet up, we spoke about maybe doing this at the end of the night, she rejects my call, then picks up and proceeds to be rude towards me.

she calls me a little later on her way home and we argue and she was just super cold and pushed away.

I understand what I did wrong, I should of gave her space, My mind took over and i overthink ed. I am to blame I needed to be more secure in myself and what she said to no let that affect me. MY anxiety got the best of me and i feel like i pushed her away.

Now she is very distant again towards me, not making an effort to have a conversation. I dont know what to do, I am trying to leave her alone but my mind is going crazy. I feel like im just stuck on her, our situation and how it went bad again. I am disappointed in getting back into this bad place again, I feel depressed.

I feel like i know how i need to be, secure and just be here and not expect anything but I dont know why i cant do that.


IF anyone has any advice please chime in.

It never changes. Do yourself a favor and move on. It sucks. It seems like they should be able to and want to change but it's rare. There are so many people out there that will love you the way you need to be loved. At times I still want my ex back but I know it would just be a temporary fix until his distancing and deactivating restarts and I would be ultimately unhappy.