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Post by lilyg on Feb 14, 2019 18:09:57 GMT
I've been with myself a lot and something has clicked after reading and thinking about my own 'variables' in life, on who i was as a child, how I developed trauma, and how to grow into my own authentic self with intimacy and health. I feel calm now, with a certainty that I'll make it. I feel like myself again, not an anxious mess. I feel this change is what I'm here for.
It has been quite a journey until I reached this point - I've made huge mistakes and I've lost and won a lot of things along the way. I'll surely keep making mistakes and having trouble feeling secure some days, but I'm not scared about what this process holds for me.
I don't feel anger about the things that I've been through anymore. I feel I can see me without shame or pity. I'm just a person with my own 'variables' that I'm accepting and working on.
I've been feeling great, nurturing something very special and true with my partner, and I'm very happy about it. I'm so grateful that I met him, he's a wonderful human being. I had a fight with him yesterday that escalated quickly. I was mad about something and while I wanted to discuss it he became defensive. Because I've acted anxious before (and perpetuaded the avoidant/anxious dance), I have realised that fights turn into a fight about his anger towards me when I've acted insecure (I've been noticing this when he gets a bit irritated). I don't know how... it just clicked. It didn't bother me, I get how this will work until we are not afraid of/when in conflict. I just... behaved much more calm, like myself, without anxious fear. It makes me really sad that there's a possibility that I'll lose him, but I know I'll be alright in the long run, because this process is for myself. I can just listen to him, learn from mistakes, work on my capacity for loving securely, and opening up to him in a sincere way.
I hope we work it out, though. I know it's possible, but I don't know if he does, or it's willing. Either way, I owe him the patience and understanding he gives me. I feel strong.
Thank you and sorry for being away for so long, I'll try to help as much as you've helped me!
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Post by lilyg on Feb 14, 2019 23:29:07 GMT
I've been with myself a lot and something has clicked after reading and thinking about my own 'variables' in life, on who i was as a child, how I developed trauma, and how to grow into my own authentic self with intimacy and health. I feel calm now, with a certainty that I'll make it. I feel like myself again, not an anxious mess. I feel this change is what I'm here for. It has been quite a journey until I reached this point - I've made huge mistakes and I've lost and won a lot of things along the way. I'll surely keep making mistakes and having trouble feeling secure some days, but I'm not scared about what this process holds for me. I don't feel anger about the things that I've been through anymore. I feel I can see me without shame or pity. I'm just a person with my own 'variables' that I'm accepting and working on. I've been feeling great, nurturing something very special and true with my partner, and I'm very happy about it. I'm so grateful that I met him, he's a wonderful human being. I had a fight with him yesterday that escalated quickly. I was mad about something and while I wanted to discuss it he became defensive. Because I've acted anxious before (and perpetuaded the avoidant/anxious dance), I have realised that fights turn into a fight about his anger towards me when I've acted insecure (I've been noticing this when he gets a bit irritated). I don't know how... it just clicked. It didn't bother me, I get how this will work until we are not afraid of/when in conflict. I just... behaved much more calm, like myself, without anxious fear. It makes me really sad that there's a possibility that I'll lose him, but I know I'll be alright in the long run, because this process is for myself. I can just listen to him, learn from mistakes, work on my capacity for loving securely, and opening up to him in a sincere way. I hope we work it out, though. I know it's possible, but I don't know if he does, or it's willing. Either way, I owe him the patience and understanding he gives me. I feel strong. Thank you and sorry for being away for so long, I'll try to help as much as fyou've helped me! I often thought about you lilyg and hoped you were ok. It's lovely to hear from you again. This post made me very emotional as what your experiencing is identical to what I'm experiencing too. I hope with all my heart we can have a future with the men we adore and love so much Xx Thank you so much 😘 I feel at peace, although I'm a bit sad today. I've read a lot and enjoyed dinner with good friends. A nice day altogether! That's so? What happened? I hope the same, if you ever feel like it, PM me  |
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Post by lilyg on May 24, 2019 10:22:06 GMT
I was away for a while as I'm dealing with a lot of things right know: more work at my job, traveling, selling a house and now buying a new one. It's exhausting!
I just want to give an update: my boyfriend has been super mad at me for some weeks now, exploding about weird things every couple of days. Of course he frames it as me not respecting his space and time.
I was very upset and mad on how he was treating me. Of course it's a thing between the two of us and I have some blame to bear, but in general I do feel he's deactivating, as a lot of things don't make sense at all (like me sending a 3 minute voice message on whatsapp about some flats I saw and he getting angry because I disturbed him. I didn't call and decided to send a message so he could talk when he was available, and I told him so when I sent it). It's happening after a big vacation with all his family and us and we seeing flats to live together (I can't help but wonder if his latest blowings have to do about this below the surface).
Soo... we were planning on going on vacations for his birthday but he told me to cancel the booking. We talked a bit about him not knowing if he wants to break up, of course still mad.
I feel calm now, and I basically told him he has not been treating me nicely, and that he can tell me things in a healthier way instead of getting angry and ignoring me for days. That I think he's deactivating, that I'm not trying to control him or making him lose independency or sabotaging him. That I'm a friend, his partner, and that I hope he knows this deep down.
I am going today to meet up with a psychologist and talk for a bit. I don't want to lose him but I feel secure enough to walk away if he does not own his behaviour. I will be insanely heartbroken because I love him so much, and I know he does. This is very sudden, just like last time, so I know it has to do with attachment. But I cannot be on a cycle of breaking up and making up. He makes me feel anxious still when we fight, at first I was a massive ball of anxiety, but these days I just... want to either work on this WITH him or walk away. I know I'm not perfectly secure but lately I feel like going crazy. I just can't fanthom how he can be so angry at this type of things.
So... we were great and then a super big bump that may be our end just before making a big step. Sounds familiar?
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Post by lilyg on May 24, 2019 10:33:08 GMT
I should say that I don't want to end up on a bad note with him, that I'm willing to work it out but I understand if he doesn't, but that I cannot bear everything on my shoulders.
I was mad but know I'm just very sad that the differences in the way we love makes us unable to be together. I know how he feels about us and me and it breaks my heart that something like this is making us this unhappy.
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Post by tnr9 on May 24, 2019 10:46:11 GMT
I should say that I don't want to end up on a bad note with him, that I'm willing to work it out but I understand if he doesn't, but that I cannot bear everything on my shoulders. I was mad but know I'm just very sad that the differences in the way we love makes us unable to be together. I know how he feels about us and me and it breaks my heart that something like this is making us this unhappy. You really sound healthy and at peace with yourself. That is fantastic. I wish you all the best, regardless of where things end up with this guy. 💕💕 |
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Post by lilyg on May 24, 2019 10:54:46 GMT
I should say that I don't want to end up on a bad note with him, that I'm willing to work it out but I understand if he doesn't, but that I cannot bear everything on my shoulders. I was mad but know I'm just very sad that the differences in the way we love makes us unable to be together. I know how he feels about us and me and it breaks my heart that something like this is making us this unhappy. You really sound healthy and at peace with yourself. That is fantastic. I wish you all the best, regardless of where things end up with this guy. 💕💕 Thank you tnr9, you are always very nice. I feel very secure within myself even if I feel like crying and I know it will be a very difficult breakup for me. I know I've done everything I could for the person I love and I'm at peace. But I finally feel like moving on from all the trauma in my life. I guess buying a house and not living wherever I could after my mother passed away is an important milestone for me to move on and focus on leading the life that feels true to myself. In terms of work, friends, love... I want to stand up for what I believe, and I know it will take me to the place I want to be. I also know that going to a therapist will help me a lot to deal with this :-) I hope you're ok! |
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Post by lilyg on May 24, 2019 16:33:57 GMT
What I thought. He feels smothered.
What a dance.
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Post by anne12 on May 24, 2019 20:35:09 GMT
lilygSorry to hear that. Do you think that you are overfunktioning RIGHT now ? Sounds like a Lot of stress. Take care.
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Post by lilyg on May 24, 2019 21:26:21 GMT
lilygSorry to hear that. Do you think that you are overfunktioning RIGHT now ? Sounds like a Lot of stress. Take care. Hi Anne! Well, selling a house and buying one is a bit stressful. But mostly I feel excited. I was excited about having a nice home and living with him. But yeah I feel overwhelmed now. I decided to stay home tonight. My friends wanted to hang out but I'm feeling very emotional now and it's not a good idea for me to go out and drink. The therapist was nice but she touched some things that made me very emotional. I have to properly mourn my losses. My boyfriend has been communicating pretty well today so I thank him a lot for it. We are not sure if we can be happy together longterm. It's time to think. Take care too and thank you so much for caring 😊 |
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Post by lilyg on May 25, 2019 18:06:16 GMT
So, we are are supposed to be thinking about if we want to keep being in our relationship.
I can't help but think this is the same thing that happened before. And that this is a mistake.
But I respect if leaving is what he needs. I hope we do what is best for us.
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Post by alexandra on May 25, 2019 18:15:32 GMT
Aw, lilyg, I'm sorry he's cycling back. You do sound like you're approaching this from a healthy place. You'll get through this and be okay whether with him or without him -- you've got this, even though it's painful. |
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Post by lilyg on May 25, 2019 19:27:41 GMT
Aw, lilyg, I'm sorry he's cycling back. You do sound like you're approaching this from a healthy place. You'll get through this and be okay whether with him or without him -- you've got this, even though it's painful. Thank you so much. It is very painful but I really appreciate what you say: I want to handle it as healthy as I can, for me and him. I'll miss him a lot. |
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Post by lilyg on May 27, 2019 6:21:53 GMT
We talked yesterday and it was sad. I had never seen him cry. And I feel awful for making him sad.
We didn't know what to do so I asked if he needed more time and I agreed to give him space to think.
I think we can make it but he's not sure. I'm willing to work on my own trauma (my therapist is good) but of course, I can't promise that everything will be fine from now on. He needs to work on it too, I asked if he was willing but I think he's too overwhelmed now. I'll try my best, and I'm truly sorry my past has wrecked this relationship. Now I can't help but kick myself thinking 'if only I was more secure'.
I don't want to hurt him or see him sad. I prefer to end our relationship if he is happier.
I am a bit worried because his birthday is coming soon and I don't want him to be alone. It breaks my heart. But I have to respect his need for space. I don't know.
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Post by lilyg on May 27, 2019 19:26:23 GMT
I'm sorry I'm using this as a diary. Today is a hard day. I made an offer to a house I like and I can't help but think that I should be celebrating with him.
I went for a run and I'll go tomorrow for another one. I wanted to start as soon as I stopped searching for houses.
I wanted to tell him good night today but I don't know. We are supposedly together but I don't know if he'll like it when he asked for space.
I'll continue to explore my thoughts and talk with my therapist about them on wednesday.
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Post by alexandra on May 27, 2019 19:59:06 GMT
lilyg, "Now I can't help but kick myself thinking 'if only I was more secure'." Why are you putting the blame on yourself? He's had issues the entire relationship as well that he's also been trying to work through but hasn't fully overcome. It's good to take responsibility for your piece, but don't take on more than your share. It's about you both being secure enough to stay present, and if he's not there it doesn't matter how secure only you are (in regards to the dynamic). Can you use the space he needs as an opportunity to focus on yourself and your needs for a little while? I know this is really difficult, because it seemed like the relationship was about to take the next step and it may have veered off path. But if you can think of the time as a bit of an opportunity for yourself rather than a stressful disconnection, would that be a helpful mind space?
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