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Post by addict2love on May 31, 2017 12:33:46 GMT
Hey guys, I'm going through a tough time. I would say I am anxious/preoccupied attachment. Anyways, my avoidant recently broke up with me because I needed to focus on myself or in other words I was pressuring my Avoidant for reassurance.
She has a daughter and is in dental school.
We dated for 2 years. The first year was in the same town. It was amazing. I think because I was so occupied with a new job I was able to handle her lack of reassurance. She was amazing in bed, would often write me thoughtful cards for bdays, x-mas etc. this girl seemed to be the one.
Just left for dental school 11 months ago and it went downhill from there. I bought a home, my job security fell, and I started becoming preoccupied with the relationship.
We got into a cycle of fights because I wanted more attention. I would visit once a month, and times she would be distant, and closed off. Not all the time, we had some good memories when I visited. She would come back home as well and it was great.
I know that with all of her stress and me adding the stress of the relationship she was withdrawing more and more.
The month of April was actually amazing. We texted like a normal couple, she wanted to marry me and have kids and even said I would be so hurt if you ever left me.
May has been a tough time for me. I lost my job. She also had two exams coming up. I tried my best to give her space, texting her here and there. She was cold and distant every time we talked via text or phone. On the last day of her test she didn't call me all day, Friday she went out with friends and texted me that bisexual girl started kissing her neck. Obviously with not a lot of attention the whole month I told her I was disappointed. She didn't say sorry at all. I was pretty confused with the whole month of her being withdrawn and I broke down on Saturday and I asked if she even loved me etc etc. basically what dismissives hate.
Tuesday she text me that she wants to discuss face to face when she comes into town. I told her I was sorry about my anxiety and all the pressure I put on her. She told me that she had been putting thought into the relationship and that I needed to focus on myself. She also admitted that she feels bad that she is not in a place to meet my demands.
So we broke up. She finishes boards end of June and comes back in July we have wedding plans etc.
I'm taking this month to focus on myself.
I want her back though. Could it be that she just needs the month of June to focus on her boards?
If she sees that I have focused on myself. (Going to therapy) and learned to make myself happy will she give me another chance?
She deleted our profile pictures together and comments on her wall . Her status is still in a relationship basically because I asked her to leave it at that.
I love this girl and want to marry her. I just read Jebs book and I think I can make it with her avoidant personallity if I focus on myself.
How do I get her to give me another shot?
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raco
Junior Member
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Post by raco on May 31, 2017 16:20:53 GMT
Hi addict2love,
Basically, you want to change for your ex while accepting her as she is. Your ex, on the other hand, doesn't accept you as you are, and doesn't seem to be willing to change. It doesn't seem very secure to me to accept such a situation.
You would probably need much more than one month to significantly change your attachment style. If you're really focusing on yourself, then do it for yourself, not for your ex. Especially if she's not willing to do the same for you. Keep in mind that none of you is secure (if she is indeed avoidant). A secure/avoidant couple is usually not very solid too. It would certainly have been easier for your ex if you had been secure, but it would probably not have been enough to have a healthy relationship.
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Post by addict2love on May 31, 2017 16:56:04 GMT
Thanks Rago.
I would have considered myself a secure partner at the beginning of the relationship. My situation started falling downhill and my anxiety and insecurities lead me to pressure her for reassurance even though I had nothing to be worried about. It made me more of an anxious preoccupied type.
She wasn't very understanding of that when she broke up with me, but I hope with the space I'm giving her she will realize what she lost and why.
I think I need to go back to being a secure person if I want to make the relationship work and for my own sake.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2017 17:00:18 GMT
Hi addict2love,
I'm going to have to second everything that raco has said here. It sounds like your ex has already taken the steps to detach herself from the relationship, perhaps some time ago.
I think it's great that you want to get to a place of being more secure in your relationships, but definitely do it for yourself and yourself only.
I think you're probably in the withdrawl stage where you're focusing on the good times and the feelings or highs you would get when she showed you attention and affection. It is like coming off a drug, and you're in panic mode. Desperate for another hit. It's hard for secures, even worse for anxious.
And as raco mentions above, even if you were able to get to a secure space and frame of mind, you are likely still to feel lonely within the relationship. If she is so unwilling to work on herself or address how she contributes to the relationship, it would be a continual nightmare.
And to be quite frank, the fact that she has told you you need to work on yourself as a reason for breaking up is incredibly selfish and destructive. It's also leaving you with a glimmer of hope, which just doesn't seem to exist in this instance.
To get through this time, sit down and list all the good things about the relationship and all of the cons, including the loneliness, her betrayals, your anxiety, etc., I think you will come to find that the cons far outweigh the pros.
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Post by addict2love on May 31, 2017 17:25:04 GMT
Thank you Tales of attachment,
It's so just so confusing that she was such a loving, amazing, caring and sometimes understanding person in April. When May hit and she had exams and I lost my job it was like she knew she had to detach from me.
It was so obvious and clear how her caring ways flipped like a switch when stress from school and pressure from me was lurking.
I wish I would have read the book earlier because I would have been better prepared. Instead I had a panic attack and the pressure was too much.
Is it possible for an avoidant to switch off and when stress and pressure from me are absent want to reconnect?
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Post by addict2love on May 31, 2017 17:27:47 GMT
Also if she sees that I am focused on making myself happy without her. I plan on having a job and being more confident by this month.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2017 17:51:23 GMT
Hi addict2love,
Here's a way to think about it: What do you really want in a future partner?
Life can be very hard and full of ups and downs. It is natural, when you are having a tough time to want the support of a secure partner who will stand by you, give you love and affection and be there for you when you are having trouble with work or feeling down. Giving love and being caring in the good times are really quite basic requirements, the test of true character comes when times are tough.
What would happen in the future if you got sick? Or there is a death in your family? Or something that happened out of your control? Do you really want to marry someone who is going to abandon you or withdraw during that time?
I think you have to recognize that this isn't about you. You could be the "perfect" (which doesn't exist) partner and a DA is still going to find reasons to disengage and dismiss you. They are afraid of intimacy, period.
Just food for thought...
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Post by addict2love on May 31, 2017 18:48:26 GMT
Thank you tales of attachment. I wonder though if my gf was a secure but when my insecurities struck and she wasn't able to fulfill my reassments could she turn more dismissive?
Is it possible to turn a secure personallity into an avoidant under a ton of stress?
I'm looking back at a lot of the our text and it seems I was the one who brought stuff up with jealousy, insecurities and seeking reassurance and at those times she went cold.
I still think it's my fault because I ddidnt give her the space she needed when she was busy, and I often was very critical when she couldn't fulfill my emotional needs.
Anyways I hope she gives me another chance and I can work on being a more secure partner.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 31, 2017 20:11:45 GMT
Hi again. From what I've read, some of the research shows that many people are not firmly in one camp or another, and sometimes certain partnerships can bring out anxious or avoidant tendencies in individuals.
However, you state that you brought up issues with jealousy, insecurities and seeking assurance with her. Did you just bring those things up out of no where or for no reason? Reading between the lines in your postings, I suspect she was acting in ways and doing things that made you feel jealous and insecure. Which would suggest she has dismissive tendencies and she's not secure.
In your own words "I would visit once a month, and times she would be distant, and closed off. Not all the time, we had some good memories when I visited." and "I tried my best to give her space, texting her here and there. She was cold and distant every time we talked via text or phone."
You said that she is cold and distant, even when you give her space. So, I'm not sure how adjusting your attachment style is going to help, to be honest. And as Raco astutely pointed out above, it takes a lot longer than a month to adjust and adapt attachment style.
Listen, I've been where you are, doing everything in my power to fix myself, try harder to be a better partner thinking it would help. It takes time to get to the point where you realize that it's not your fault and that you are better off with a partner who is secure. I do truly hope the best for you and wish you much happiness if you can find it with this partner. Good luck. And remember there is always support on this board.
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Post by addict2love on May 31, 2017 21:30:07 GMT
She is not always cold and distant.
After I gave her space I would often be resentful that she wouldn't text me or reassure me that everything was ok. So I would bring something up like " do you really love me" , "is everything ok" try and get her to be that loving person. Inwas being overly anxious.
We would then blow up and fight and then she would be cold for a while. Eventually coming back to normal.
The cycle continued like this continually. If she wouldn't answer my reassurances I would say something that made me jealous or ask her if she loves me and it would blow up in our face, she would go cold and eventually back to normal until the same thing happened.
The times where she was loving were amazing. I feel that I shouldn't have taken a lot of things personal and maybe this could have been avoided.
Anyways. Thank you all for the support. My main focus is myself now. I will be happy with our without her. I'm just going through a tough time.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 5, 2017 0:46:34 GMT
I would suggest you totally take marriage off the table until you figure out if you can establish a more secure relationship with her.
BTW, the seeking assurance may be the most direct way to turn off an avoidant person. In their mind the fact that they are there at all should be proof enough.
Perhaps read the "Five Love Languages" book with her and working on how to meet each other's love languages would help.
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Post by addict2love on Jun 5, 2017 20:31:43 GMT
Thank you compassionateavoidant.
I see that now my insecurities that flared up and made me ask for reassurance this past year and it just took her over the edge. I understand now what to do differently.
It has been 9 days no contact with her and she has been showing more and more signs of her being completely disengaged with me. I will give her a couple more days and maybe reach out to her just to see how she's doing and towards the end of the month request to see her.
I love this girl, I messsed up the past year but I still want her in my life and I want to make it work.
I hope she gives me another shot at love.
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