|
|
Post by epicgum on Feb 17, 2019 0:36:00 GMT
Yeah, re-reading my comment, I'm not sure why I worded it like that--it doesn't communicate what I was trying to say. I totally agree with you on the boundary order. phone>Social Media>utilities>medical>banking (with banking being the last and most sensitive boundary requiring the highest degree of trust) I'm not sure what exactly happened with my ex. She told me that he was abusive and she wanted a divorce, he didn't, and it got very ugly. They were both living in a foreign country at the time, so I think that took a toll on both of them. It does make me wonder about a bit how it all went down, as she definitely hinted that she bore some of the blame as well. Oh well, not my issue right now. Yeah, I gotcha regarding bank accounts being the last to share. Unless he’s paying my bills, I don’t see the point lol At the time of divorce, it’s different. All bets off, obviously you’re no longer trying to build trust. Everyone is out for number one. Everything is a battle- at least it was w my divorce. Sounds shitty and scary. :/ My breakup was pretty devastating to me, and it's pretty clear that we both still cared about each other thoughout the entire process (and today to be honest). Maybe that's why it is so for me now, because it wasn't rage filled. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Feb 17, 2019 0:46:26 GMT
Oh, I mean locking the phone and not having partner access to it. That was a huge deal. Yeah, I wouldn't be down with extended family/work colleagues going through my phone unsupervised as there are likely to be intimate photos/texts, passwords, off color jokes, open chrome tabs on attachment forums...  Attachment forums- that would be the worst breech for me!! He’d die if he knew how much I analyzed him and us- lol At least we’re anonymous on here!! In all honesty if we ever get back together, I totally plan on sharing all of these musings with her. Sure, there is a reasonably good chance that this will send her into cardiac arrest and/or she will attempt to murder me, so I'll have an ambulance on standby, but if that's the price I have to pay for transparency and integrity, that's what it'll be! |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 17, 2019 0:48:01 GMT
Yeah, I gotcha regarding bank accounts being the last to share. Unless he’s paying my bills, I don’t see the point lol At the time of divorce, it’s different. All bets off, obviously you’re no longer trying to build trust. Everyone is out for number one. Everything is a battle- at least it was w my divorce. Sounds shitty and scary. :/ My breakup was pretty devastating to me, and it's pretty clear that we both still cared about each other thoughout the entire process (and today to be honest). Maybe that's why it is so for me now, because it wasn't rage filled. For sure, at least with me, anger is a huge help in letting go. In divorce my kids, home and financial future were all on the line, so it’s war. My ex is still battling our divorce judgment from 2 years ago. The judge ruled in my favor and he’s yet to pay a penny. Going forward I think a pre-nup is best. In hindsight that would’ve saved me a ton of grief and over 30k in legal fees. A pre-nup isn’t romantic but... You’re young...29? It’s great that you’re learning all this now and becoming self-aware. I just started last year at 42. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 17, 2019 0:48:42 GMT
Attachment forums- that would be the worst breech for me!! He’d die if he knew how much I analyzed him and us- lol At least we’re anonymous on here!! In all honesty if we ever get back together, I totally plan on sharing all of these musings with her. Sure, there is a reasonably good chance that this will send her into cardiac arrest and/or she will attempt to murder me, so I'll have an ambulance on standby, but if that's the price I have to pay for transparency and integrity, that's what it'll be! 😂😂😂🚑🚨🚨🚨 |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Feb 17, 2019 1:53:56 GMT
Nope. No shared bank accounts, no passwords. No thanks. There’s emotional trust, and then trust.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2019 2:09:59 GMT
I have never cheated nor had anything to hide, but I do value my privacy just like I value my solitude and internal world. I do not share my phone or passwords. I would consider myself incompatible with a partner who had strong feelings or negative opinions about this. I value not only my privacy but the privacy of those who communicate with me. My last partner made my fingerprint open his phone but I would never ever look through it or have a need to open his phone. In fact, he had iPads all over his house on which I could see open conversations, and I felt very uncomfortable. I trust him and I just did not want to see his private conversations for his behalf and that of who messaged him. He never asked about my phone and respected my privacy also. We shared a computer and he told me his password but I didn't want to know that, either. There is a big difference between dishonest secrecy, and privacy, in my mind. If something like this caused suspicion in a relationship, I would be uncomfortable with the culture and it would be a big issue for me.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Feb 17, 2019 4:06:35 GMT
I don't like the idea of sharing passwords, unless it is to make sure important files can be accessed in case someone passed away. I have nothing to hide but keep my phone locked in general, email passwords, etc. I'd rather be able to say whatever stupid nonsense to my friends without worrying how a third party might feel about it, or I have some files locked on my computer with embarrassing fictional short stories I wrote in high school, but it has nothing to do with hiding anything of substance from a partner. It's more about, I've given no reason to distrust, and if I'm on my phone I'm likely to open it up and show photos and funny messages anyway, so if you think that's not enough to trust me and let me have independent pieces of my life too, then that sucks. I've also never asked a partner for their passwords, though one gave me his social media password so I could update something he asked me to do for him and he's never changed it.
I have mixed thoughts on bank accounts. I feel like I'd most prefer to have both a personal account and a shared joint account. Not to hide my money from a husband, I'd tell them and they'd probably see my bank statements, but I work hard and make my own money too, so just in case something weird and unexpected happens, I want a bit of extra control over a portion of my finances.
|
|
|
|
Passwords
Feb 17, 2019 8:30:19 GMT
via mobile
Post by lilyg on Feb 17, 2019 8:30:19 GMT
I've never shared my passwords or asked for a password before. I'd not share my financial account if is not a shared account for shared expenses.
I'll unlock my phone for my partner to use or let him use my card to pay if it's my time to do so (and I don't want to get up), but I'd not give him the card to use when I'm not around/know the amount, etc.
I've not a problem for him to use my stuff but privacy for me and my friends is important (they share things with me that they expect is only for my eyes).
I don't know. This is normal for me, as my parents had these boundaries in a very respectful relationship and I guess I feel I need something similar for me.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2019 10:06:28 GMT
I've never shared my passwords or asked for a password before. I'd not share my financial account if is not a shared account for shared expenses. I'll unlock my phone for my partner to use or let him use my card to pay if it's my time to do so (and I don't want to get up), but I'd not give him the card to use when I'm not around/know the amount, etc. I've not a problem for him to use my stuff but privacy for me and my friends is important (they share things with me that they expect is only for my eyes). I don't know. This is normal for me, as my parents had these boundaries in a very respectful relationship and I guess I feel I need something similar for me. Exactly, this is about respectful boundaries for me. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2019 10:23:25 GMT
I have nothing to hide but I like my privacy. If my partner needed to use my phone, I'd tell them or simply unblock it for them. If they asked me to share it with them, I'd run.
I used to see my mother going over my father's or siblings' things even though there was nothing there for her to find, or any reason for it. It made me uncomfortable. As if my space was invaded. It made me feel like I have to hide things even though I had nothing to hide.
In relationship or not, people have the right to be individuals, they have the right to have secrets or a space that doesn't involve their significant other. If my partner doesn't want me to know about something, I don't want to know it. I do not. Taking an initiative to share (with information) it's a sign of love to me, and I'll trust them more if they do it with their mouth.
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Feb 17, 2019 11:50:56 GMT
I have not asked to share nor been asked to. I still think you should have some privacy even when you trust and love someone. You trust them enough to give them that and they trust me enough to give it to me. You just dont need to share Everything and I dont feel the person Im with has to share Everything. Not sharing everything is not hiding or you have something to hide in this case for me. Ive personally never thought to ask or wanted to or have been asked to have access. If I felt the need to there is something off and Ive lost trust or something. As a secure I can trust what my gut tells me and Im I feeling a need to snoop, its warranted and at that point the relationship is on its way out, I lost trust.
If a guy Im dating asks and wants access to snoop through my phone he doesn't trust me... Why would he want to look through my phone? If I trust someone I could give a crap about whats on their phone, social media or the like. My phone auto locks and has nothing to do with who I date, its if I lost it. Now I can see sharing if youre married with accounts and such in case something happens/sharing bills, etc. At this time my parents know where my passwords are to get into my credit cards/bank accounts/etc in case something happens to me. |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Feb 17, 2019 22:44:24 GMT
Why is having something to hide inherently bad? If I gave someone access to my phone it would give them access to all my emails that go back SEVENTEEN YEARS, everything I write on this forum and in private messages, all the text messages between my friends and I and everyone I've dated in the last three years, social media private messages going back twelve years, my private journal entries, various embarassing photos since I seem to not remember to delete my rejected selfies or nudes or the pic I took of my infected eye to send to a doctor friend etc, confidential work information, unusual porn I've watched, detailed information about my physical and mental health problems over the last decade, and so on and so on. And what about the privacy of all the people who have messaged me? I don't think this stuff is any of my partner's business and I would not want access to their private conversations etc. Giving someone access to my phone would be a way bigger deal than if every therapy session I'd attended in my life had been recorded and I handed the tapes over to my partner. I need to be able to talk freely to my friends about my partner and my messed up thoughts or whatever and yes I do want to hide that from him because unfiltered he would not understand it. I also want to hide love-filled or sexual emails I sent my ex, what good could come from him reading those? Should I start opening the bathroom door when I'm using the toilet too, because people only close doors when they have something to hide? Privacy and hiding some stuff is ok!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2019 23:04:40 GMT
Why is having something to hide inherently bad? If I gave someone access to my phone it would give them access to all my emails that go back SEVENTEEN YEARS, everything I write on this forum and in private messages, all the text messages between my friends and I and everyone I've dated in the last three years, social media private messages going back twelve years, my private journal entries, various embarassing photos since I seem to not remember to delete my rejected selfies or nudes or the pic I took of my infected eye to send to a doctor friend etc, confidential work information, unusual porn I've watched, detailed information about my physical and mental health problems over the last decade, and so on and so on. And what about the privacy of all the people who have messaged me? I don't think this stuff is any of my partner's business and I would not want access to their private conversations etc. Giving someone access to my phone would be a way bigger deal than if every therapy session I'd attended in my life had been recorded and I handed the tapes over to my partner. I need to be able to talk freely to my friends about my partner and my messed up thoughts or whatever and yes I do want to hide that from him because unfiltered he would not understand it. I also want to hide love-filled or sexual emails I sent my ex, what good could come from him reading those? Should I start opening the bathroom door when I'm using the toilet too, because people only close doors when they have something to hide? Privacy and hiding some stuff is ok! Absolutely! An expectation or desire to have open access to my phone or computer is an entitlement that is completely foreign and offensive to me. I would never consider it, and if that is a problem then... sorry, it's not a match. |
|
|
|
Passwords
Feb 17, 2019 23:11:15 GMT
via mobile
Post by faithopelove on Feb 17, 2019 23:11:15 GMT
I think this is largely a generational difference of opinion rather than anything else. 55 and 70 year old couples who have been together for decades I think are more likely to share openly. The younger generation- born w a cell in their fist will be used to guarding their devices and privacy.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2019 23:26:35 GMT
I'm pushing 50. I wouldn't hand all my hard copy papers over to a mate either. Maybe it's just a personal difference. I wasn't born "with a cell phone in my fist". Lol. But I use one now for lots of personal stuff that I like to keep private. That's easy enough. I wouldn't invite my partner to a party line for all my phone conversations on the rotary, either. I wouldn't make copies of all my written correspondence and let them read all that came to me. Any form, my conversations are ... one on one. This has been true for individuals throughout history. Private conversations are not new, by any means.
|
|
