Post by aisling on May 31, 2017 20:14:04 GMT
Hey, all. My partner and I recently broke up, and I'm having a really tough time coping with the loss and letting go of the fantasy relationship I had in my head. After our breakup, he admitted that he should have acknowledged my pain, wasn't capable of communicating his needs because he felt unsafe/unheard with me, and that he needed to focus on self-growth and healing his many issues around intimacy. He told me a lot of this because I was pregnant, which I found out about a few days after we broke up, and he told me this while supporting me through the end of that. He stepped up and took responsibility, and was there for me when a lot of other people weren't. I don't know why, but I could tell him anything, and as someone who's really emotional/a highly sensitive person, it felt like such a relief to have someone in my life who would listen to me without me fearing that I would be a burden, too emotional, or that I should just get over my pain. I live in Oregon, and I've come to find that many people judge you for feeling or talking about pain unless it's wrapped up in a spiritual lesson; you're seen as low-vibing, too negative, not letting your light shine, or too serious if you express pain. It's exhausting to have to censor your emotions when speaking. With him, I didn't have to do that. Granted, we had plenty of communication issues when it came to our relationship and me feeling like he was distant and not sharing on the same order I was, but with stuff outside of us, it felt like such a dream to have someone there in that way.
We broke up for about two months before getting back together, and unbeknownst to me, he felt that there was a "significant chance" our romantic relationship wouldn't work out that second time. I felt the opposite, and put a lot of work into giving him space, processing my insecurities on my own, and sitting with my feelings of anxiety whenever he expressed feeling pain from our previous relationship and being uncertain about us. When I did this, I saw him draw closer to me. He even wrote me a note after I started doing this saying that he had never felt more drawn to me, more peaceful, and was excited about building our connection; I could tell, too, because he started telling me more. We had so much conflict in our previous relationship, and triggered each other so much, that we were both weary, but I was determined to change things because I wanted our connection to work. Probably too much, but I saw hope.
He started seeing a therapist a week before we reconnected, and she told him he was FA, and it wasn't until after we broke up the second -last- time that he told me he was trying to work through his personal issues on his own, and thought he could do that while in a relationship with me. He recognized that he should have told me more about this work, and that not doing so hurt us. He also recognized that he caused me pain and wishes he would've acknowledged it. I'm really heartbroken right now, because I can't let go of the feeling that if he just would've seen this a month and a half ago, this wouldn't have happened. And I don't understand why he's not more broken up about the loss of our connection, or why all of these realizations that he's having now aren't enough for him to make it want to work. I was always waiting for him to recognize his fears of intimacy and see how these were getting in the way of us being close, and him feeling safe. I was really transparent about my anxious-preoccupied stuff, and had become an earned secure before we got together. His questioning of our relationship and his attraction to me, however, really beat me down, and even though I told him this, very vulnerably, in hopes of working with his fear and mine, it didn't change anything. He just ended up feeling like he couldn't be himself or express his anxiety without me being upset, which was true, in some ways. I wanted him to share his past, his feelings, and his needs so I could better empathize and help, but I know that my approach wasn't the approach he needed. It wasn't until after we got back together that I stopped pressuring him to share, but I guess it was too late.
Right now, I'm having a really hard time getting over him and not focusing on the good parts. He was an incredibly affectionate person who took care of me physically (not emotionally), on top of listening to me, as I said, and since I'm pretty preoccupied, I clung to those parts. I had never experienced that type of care and attention before in a relationship. He always wanted to touch, and before we broke up that first time, he insisted on sleeping together every night. I miss all of these things so very much, and I'm afraid I'll never find that again, and feeling really hung up on all the what-ifs. What if I had just given him more space sooner? What if I triggered his avoidant stuff in a more extreme way because I couldn't handle him telling me about his uncertainty and confusion over romance without taking it so personally? What if I had just acknowledged the pain he felt when he told me he felt unsafe with me and I wouldn't stop thinking that it was his avoidant stuff making him feel unsafe, not me?
Now he's feeling ready to move on, and I'm not. He has told me that he's excited for his future, and that he's looking forward to being partnered with himself and growing and finally healing his issues with connection. I don't know how to let him go, or how to give up on this fantasy I have in my head. All the pain and resentment I had around our relationship has disappeared, and I know that's just because I'm feeling lost, very lonely, and unimportant right now. I just don't understand how someone could let go of something they once called so special when they recognize the underlying emotional issues that kept you apart in the first place. I have cried with him and told him how torn up I am about losing him, and that I felt really connected, and he has told me that he feels the loss of us, too, but overall, he's excited and ready to move forward.
Last thing. We have been seeing a couple's counselor for 4 weeks in order to deal with the pregnancy, and he wants to continue even though the pregnancy is over. Only 2 of those 4 have been a joint session, so we haven't really dug into much with a professional, just on our own. I'm afraid that that I'll continue to get my hopes up by going. Part of me wants to go so I can process the loss of our relationship, but another part of me fears that it will just give me false hope when I know that he is accepting of our romantic relationship ending. I don't understand why he wants to go to therapy so much, but he says it's so we can lay a foundation for a future connection. And I believe him. I know that he thinks we'll be friends and maintain our connection at some distant point in the future, and that's part of why he isn't as torn up as me. I know he's not just saying that. He has told me he's very afraid I'll just disappear and that he'll lose our connection for good. Am I being naive in going to therapy? I keep wishing that he'll want to be with me again, even though I know that's never going to happen because he doesn't want it. I wish that didn't hurt so much and that I didn't take it so personally. Any insight on any of this would be greatly appreciated. I'm really struggling to accept the reality.
Anyways, thank you for reading this very, probably confusing long post. I've been here a long time, posting as a guest, and this forum has helped me so much, and I'm beyond grateful that people take the time to post and comment. Many of my friends don't understand attachment theory, and even though I know they're so, so well-intentioned, it can feel really alienating to talk to people who don't realize they're dismissing your feelings by not addressing deeper dynamics, triggers, etc. So thanks, again.
We broke up for about two months before getting back together, and unbeknownst to me, he felt that there was a "significant chance" our romantic relationship wouldn't work out that second time. I felt the opposite, and put a lot of work into giving him space, processing my insecurities on my own, and sitting with my feelings of anxiety whenever he expressed feeling pain from our previous relationship and being uncertain about us. When I did this, I saw him draw closer to me. He even wrote me a note after I started doing this saying that he had never felt more drawn to me, more peaceful, and was excited about building our connection; I could tell, too, because he started telling me more. We had so much conflict in our previous relationship, and triggered each other so much, that we were both weary, but I was determined to change things because I wanted our connection to work. Probably too much, but I saw hope.
He started seeing a therapist a week before we reconnected, and she told him he was FA, and it wasn't until after we broke up the second -last- time that he told me he was trying to work through his personal issues on his own, and thought he could do that while in a relationship with me. He recognized that he should have told me more about this work, and that not doing so hurt us. He also recognized that he caused me pain and wishes he would've acknowledged it. I'm really heartbroken right now, because I can't let go of the feeling that if he just would've seen this a month and a half ago, this wouldn't have happened. And I don't understand why he's not more broken up about the loss of our connection, or why all of these realizations that he's having now aren't enough for him to make it want to work. I was always waiting for him to recognize his fears of intimacy and see how these were getting in the way of us being close, and him feeling safe. I was really transparent about my anxious-preoccupied stuff, and had become an earned secure before we got together. His questioning of our relationship and his attraction to me, however, really beat me down, and even though I told him this, very vulnerably, in hopes of working with his fear and mine, it didn't change anything. He just ended up feeling like he couldn't be himself or express his anxiety without me being upset, which was true, in some ways. I wanted him to share his past, his feelings, and his needs so I could better empathize and help, but I know that my approach wasn't the approach he needed. It wasn't until after we got back together that I stopped pressuring him to share, but I guess it was too late.
Right now, I'm having a really hard time getting over him and not focusing on the good parts. He was an incredibly affectionate person who took care of me physically (not emotionally), on top of listening to me, as I said, and since I'm pretty preoccupied, I clung to those parts. I had never experienced that type of care and attention before in a relationship. He always wanted to touch, and before we broke up that first time, he insisted on sleeping together every night. I miss all of these things so very much, and I'm afraid I'll never find that again, and feeling really hung up on all the what-ifs. What if I had just given him more space sooner? What if I triggered his avoidant stuff in a more extreme way because I couldn't handle him telling me about his uncertainty and confusion over romance without taking it so personally? What if I had just acknowledged the pain he felt when he told me he felt unsafe with me and I wouldn't stop thinking that it was his avoidant stuff making him feel unsafe, not me?
Now he's feeling ready to move on, and I'm not. He has told me that he's excited for his future, and that he's looking forward to being partnered with himself and growing and finally healing his issues with connection. I don't know how to let him go, or how to give up on this fantasy I have in my head. All the pain and resentment I had around our relationship has disappeared, and I know that's just because I'm feeling lost, very lonely, and unimportant right now. I just don't understand how someone could let go of something they once called so special when they recognize the underlying emotional issues that kept you apart in the first place. I have cried with him and told him how torn up I am about losing him, and that I felt really connected, and he has told me that he feels the loss of us, too, but overall, he's excited and ready to move forward.
Last thing. We have been seeing a couple's counselor for 4 weeks in order to deal with the pregnancy, and he wants to continue even though the pregnancy is over. Only 2 of those 4 have been a joint session, so we haven't really dug into much with a professional, just on our own. I'm afraid that that I'll continue to get my hopes up by going. Part of me wants to go so I can process the loss of our relationship, but another part of me fears that it will just give me false hope when I know that he is accepting of our romantic relationship ending. I don't understand why he wants to go to therapy so much, but he says it's so we can lay a foundation for a future connection. And I believe him. I know that he thinks we'll be friends and maintain our connection at some distant point in the future, and that's part of why he isn't as torn up as me. I know he's not just saying that. He has told me he's very afraid I'll just disappear and that he'll lose our connection for good. Am I being naive in going to therapy? I keep wishing that he'll want to be with me again, even though I know that's never going to happen because he doesn't want it. I wish that didn't hurt so much and that I didn't take it so personally. Any insight on any of this would be greatly appreciated. I'm really struggling to accept the reality.
Anyways, thank you for reading this very, probably confusing long post. I've been here a long time, posting as a guest, and this forum has helped me so much, and I'm beyond grateful that people take the time to post and comment. Many of my friends don't understand attachment theory, and even though I know they're so, so well-intentioned, it can feel really alienating to talk to people who don't realize they're dismissing your feelings by not addressing deeper dynamics, triggers, etc. So thanks, again.