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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 17:00:39 GMT
There you go, it’s all out there. Consider your real motivations before you do. Are you entirely sure all that, and the unavailability that caused the delay in it being brought up will be ok with you? I’m not sure If I understand your question. I don’t know if you have followed what I wrote here but I was also have been in process of becoming more availability after my divorce. I think me being unvailibity was probably the reason why we attracted each other from the beginning. I haven’t have a lot of partners but he isn’t the kind of guy I would drow to and seriously date from the beginning if he have showed avoidance tendencies early on. But when we met I wasn’t look for a relationship and well he has the kind of look I feel physical attracted to so. But by spending time together I got to know more of him. The moment I felted it was becoming more than sex for him was the moment he started pulling away. Except from the distancing moments that happend after too much intimacy my satisfaction with the “relationship” was high. My “choosing a partner steps “ goes like this: *first I date to know if the guy could be a boyfriend *If he get to be my friend and we engaged in a relationship we will find out if we wanna live together and if we would be good life partners together. If yes: *Move in together, see how the dynamic works. Would we be good parents together? Are we happy together? If no breakup if yes we continue our life. I hope until we grown old but life can take other ways too. Now we are at second step. I don’t know how it will be. I just know he is loving, caring and respect me. The space thing wasn’t something I was used too and it can be hard but I wanna try. He have been like a boyfriend in a long time. He thought me like drive a car and I finally got my drive license. He read all my thesis from the university because it’s not my mother tong but his and he wanted to help. I live in foreign country and on Christmas I was all by myself and he took his time on phone to make me company and a lot more things that makes me happy. I hope he feels good with me too. Well and I guess he does otherwise he would not spend more than a year with me. So yes! I’m sure I wanna give it a try even if took more time than usual to come to this place. This delay is also on me so let’s see how things will work out. If I understand mrob correctly, he's pointing out what seems to be a fairly reluctant and pessimistic relationship proposal which outlines his unavailability and fears of your misery in spite of his minimal and adamantly limited effort to prioritize a relationship or family. It's up to you guys though. You'll just have to see. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 17:55:28 GMT
A word to the wise, from a DA pov:
A typical UNAWARE DA is pessimistic about the viability of relationships. Part of the deactivating strategy is to look for and find reasons that confirm their doubts that the current relationship is workable. So, conflict or difficulty that a secure partner could navigate without giving up, could potentially cause withdrawal and deactivation in a DA. A partner who senses this might easily fall into a self destructive pattern of suppressing their needs, avoiding expectations for reciprocity, etc, in order to not scare the DA off. This is a recipe for misery. And, the DA will ultimately sense the unhappiness and tension and withdraw anyway if all the scripts play out to form.
I'm not advising either way other than to say be true to yourself, and it sounds like at this time your real wish is to pursue the relationship. If just say be wary of the pitfalls of investing in a partner who is not demonstrating the capacity and willingness to overcome all obstacles in order to further the relationship.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 4, 2019 22:14:12 GMT
A word to the wise, from a DA pov: A typical UNAWARE DA is pessimistic about the viability of relationships. Part of the deactivating strategy is to look for and find reasons that confirm their doubts that the current relationship is workable. So, conflict or difficulty that a secure partner could navigate without giving up, could potentially cause withdrawal and deactivation in a DA. A partner who senses this might easily fall into a self destructive pattern of suppressing their needs, avoiding expectations for reciprocity, etc, in order to not scare the DA off. This is a recipe for misery. And, the DA will ultimately sense the unhappiness and tension and withdraw anyway if all the scripts play out to form. I'm not advising either way other than to say be true to yourself, and it sounds like at this time your real wish is to pursue the relationship. If just say be wary of the pitfalls of investing in a partner who is not demonstrating the capacity and willingness to overcome all obstacles in order to further the relationship. On point summary of the pitfalls. I saw this play out in my last relationship. Unaware DA looking for reasons to confirm doubts and unaware AP trying to suppress and hold it together. Def a recipe for disaster. Good advice to keep your eyes open to these things. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 0:56:31 GMT
A word to the wise, from a DA pov: A typical UNAWARE DA is pessimistic about the viability of relationships. Part of the deactivating strategy is to look for and find reasons that confirm their doubts that the current relationship is workable. So, conflict or difficulty that a secure partner could navigate without giving up, could potentially cause withdrawal and deactivation in a DA. A partner who senses this might easily fall into a self destructive pattern of suppressing their needs, avoiding expectations for reciprocity, etc, in order to not scare the DA off. This is a recipe for misery. And, the DA will ultimately sense the unhappiness and tension and withdraw anyway if all the scripts play out to form. I'm not advising either way other than to say be true to yourself, and it sounds like at this time your real wish is to pursue the relationship. If just say be wary of the pitfalls of investing in a partner who is not demonstrating the capacity and willingness to overcome all obstacles in order to further the relationship. On point summary of the pitfalls. I saw this play out in my last relationship. Unaware DA looking for reasons to confirm doubts and unaware AP trying to suppress and hold it together. Def a recipe for disaster. Good advice to keep your eyes open to these things. It's so true- an unaware DA cannot be convinced that a relationship is viable or even desirable. Relationships entail conflict, it's normal. You must maintain emotional availability through conflict and an unaware DA is not in that capacity to maintain intimacy through difficulty. Nor is an activated AP, for that matter. Both suck if triggered. The post I made on Window of Tolerance describes why. It's just almost physiologically impossible. Sounds weird but it's the real deal. |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 5, 2019 2:22:59 GMT
On point summary of the pitfalls. I saw this play out in my last relationship. Unaware DA looking for reasons to confirm doubts and unaware AP trying to suppress and hold it together. Def a recipe for disaster. Good advice to keep your eyes open to these things. It's so true- an unaware DA cannot be convinced that a relationship is viable or even desirable. Relationships entail conflict, it's normal. You must maintain emotional availability through conflict and an unaware DA is not in that capacity to maintain intimacy through difficulty. Nor is an activated AP, for that matter. Both suck if triggered. The post I made on Window of Tolerance describes why. It's just almost physiologically impossible. Sounds weird but it's the real deal. Conflicts trigger some people I guess for various reasons, but time and space trigger me. It’s the silence that always scared me. I was raised in conflict. I probably find conflicts (too) normal as a result of my upbringing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy conflict (!) but i see them as inevitable in a long term relationship. This all makes me think...humans are very complex beings! |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 3:05:40 GMT
It's so true- an unaware DA cannot be convinced that a relationship is viable or even desirable. Relationships entail conflict, it's normal. You must maintain emotional availability through conflict and an unaware DA is not in that capacity to maintain intimacy through difficulty. Nor is an activated AP, for that matter. Both suck if triggered. The post I made on Window of Tolerance describes why. It's just almost physiologically impossible. Sounds weird but it's the real deal. Conflicts trigger some people I guess for various reasons, but time and space trigger me. It’s the silence that always scared me. I was raised in conflict. I probably find conflicts (too) normal as a result of my upbringing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy conflict (!) but i see them as inevitable in a long term relationship. This all makes me think...humans are very complex beings! Yes, DA are notoriously conflict avoidant in intimate relationship, and one of the major triggers is anger, angry face, intensity, hostility, etc. It's not that we never experience these emotions or behaviors, it's not about being perfect or not being angry. But these are known triggers for many DA and it's got to be part of the conditioning. If I experience confrontation other than intimate relationship I have an assertive response. But in love, I deactivate. |
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Post by stayhappy on Mar 5, 2019 3:58:10 GMT
Thank you guys for explaining more your thoughts!
When he talked to me about his fears I felt he was being sincere. He’s a military and I would never say to him “you have to leave the army to be with me.” He knows I want a family he said he wants it too but he is worried I would feel unhappy by him having to travel pretty much and with no warning. Dads in this country he comes from are supposed to take more responsibility about raising a children than in others countries including my own country. I like that he is being sincere about his feelings and fears. Some of his fears are mine fears too. Well I don’t mind about having to move to others cities from time to time. With my education I can get a job everywhere and I am a social butterfly and make new friends easily. But with kids it can changes a little. And we have talked about it. And he said “I can’t stop what I’m doing now but in some years I will be in another position at my work and will be able to settle down in one city and don’t travel so much.” I understand his point of viw and he understands mine.
About his “deactivating” I kind of get used to it. Of course it was hard to understand at the beginning because he would do that when things are good, the conflict would happened when he come back to “normal” because I didn’t understand. I would think he was not into me and finished he would say “I was never finished”. I stopped reacting to this and believed him and things got a lot better. We will have others kind of conflicts in this new phase but I/we will never know if we could be a good couple together if we never try. If I’m not happy I know what I have to do. Breakups are not funny but they don’t kill me either. It would not be the first time. But for now I’m happy and when I come in into a relationship I don’t think so much about if it will end. I can spend my energy thinking about breakups if/when it comes to an end!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 4:38:53 GMT
It makes a big difference to be able to let the tidal DA go out and come back in, without panicking. Yes, if he were done he wouldn't be back. But, he's a tide. It's natural for him to be that way if he isn't aware. Once you become aware, it's as unnatural as hell but that is another can of worms.
It's easier said than done to watch the tide go out I am sure. I like consistency myself! But I'm aware and can participate.
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Post by stayhappy on Mar 5, 2019 15:35:35 GMT
It makes a big difference to be able to let the tidal DA go out and come back in, without panicking. Yes, if he were done he wouldn't be back. But, he's a tide. It's natural for him to be that way if he isn't aware. Once you become aware, it's as unnatural as hell but that is another can of worms. It's easier said than done to watch the tide go out I am sure. I like consistency myself! But I'm aware and can participate. It was pretty confusing for me. I could not understand how could he stay connected without showing that he was connected. I would think every time “ some people find ghosting easier than breaking up. I have to move on.” It could go 2-3 weeks without any contact when we had some really intimate moments but for him maybe it was like just some days. I would be irritated by him coming back like if nothing happened and he would say he was sorry, he was feeling exausted in his mind and body. He was never done and he would let me know If he didn’t want to meet anymore. I think I understand now why he got exausted after “too much” closeness, for me it felt relaxed and good for him maybe stressful and scary and the body may give some symptoms. He hasn’t need more than a week space for some months now but always send a message to remember me that he is there. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 15:58:25 GMT
It makes a big difference to be able to let the tidal DA go out and come back in, without panicking. Yes, if he were done he wouldn't be back. But, he's a tide. It's natural for him to be that way if he isn't aware. Once you become aware, it's as unnatural as hell but that is another can of worms. It's easier said than done to watch the tide go out I am sure. I like consistency myself! But I'm aware and can participate. It was pretty confusing for me. I could not understand how could he stay connected without showing that he was connected. I would think every time “ some people find ghosting easier than breaking up. I have to move on.” It could go 2-3 weeks without any contact when we had some really intimate moments but for him maybe it was like just some days. I would be irritated by him coming back like if nothing happened and he would say he was sorry, he was feeling exausted in his mind and body. He was never done and he would let me know If he didn’t want to meet anymore. I think I understand now why he got exausted after “too much” closeness, for me it felt relaxed and good for him maybe stressful and scary and the body may give some symptoms. He hasn’t need more than a week space for some months now but always send a message to remember me that he is there. Well, knowing what you know, and what you don't,, you'll just have to see. Time will tell! |
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