|
|
Post by stayhappy on Feb 23, 2019 7:42:51 GMT
You guys who have followed my posts may remember my history. Almost in the end of last year after I had “the talk” with my DA partner and he told me that he wanted a relationship but he has a hard time letting someone coming into his life. He said more or less that I’m not “the one” because than things would be much easier and he wouldn’t feel afraid to trust and things like that. He still wanted to continue seeing me and I said yes but he should know that in 2019 I would start dating for real because I feel finally ready to a relationship after my divorce.
So I’m going to dates sometimes to see if I find someone that I want to be exclusively with. The thing is that my DA have started to ask if I have met someone that I like, if I have sleept with someone. He says that he haven’t seeing anyone else since some months ago and that he have started to trust me more and more. He can even joke about having kids, at the beginning it would freak him out. I told him that he would know when I find someone that I like and wanted to be exclusive with.
If I ask him if those things he says means more than just words he would probably say no. He said he is totally fine with me starting dating other guys but my gut says something else. I think he may be triggered. I never really cared if he was seeing other girls because we weren’t in a relationship. I knew that when or if this started to make me feel uncomfortable I would walk away. Do DAs do the same?
Should I go with my gut and stop seeing him? I don’t want to hurt him. I’m not sure how honest DAs are with their feelings.
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Feb 23, 2019 11:17:17 GMT
As you may have seen me post Im a believer in the universe. If you are seriously ready to get real with someone, stop seeing him, he is in your energy and will not help in meeting someone new. Clear your energy.
If you have to ask yourself if you should, really you have your answer, stop as you want something he cannot give you at this time. Nothing you can do about hurt either, its life, it sucks but its reality that you need to do what is best for yourself/healthy.
|
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Feb 23, 2019 13:06:49 GMT
As you may have seen me post Im a believer in the universe. If you are seriously ready to get real with someone, stop seeing him, he is in your energy and will not help in meeting someone new. Clear your energy. If you have to ask yourself if you should, really you have your answer, stop as you want something he cannot give you at this time. Nothing you can do about hurt either, its life, it sucks but its reality that you need to do what is best for yourself/healthy. I’m not so religious about this kind of things. If I want something I try to get it, he or his energy can’t stop me. I enjoy having sex but I don’t want and don’t feel comfortable sleeping around to every guy I go in a date just to get my “sexual needs” met. Maybe I will find someone pretty fast or maybe not. I just know that under this searching time I will have sexual desire . He says that he is fine with me starting seeing others but at the same time says things that make me feel unsure if he is really ok with that or not. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 13:23:03 GMT
My thoughts are, absolutely no male ego will be ok with a woman finding another man. My experience with DA men, is that they will let you go because it's fair, if you leave they won't fight it because they know they are not going to give you what you desire. And that's been discussed, and when pressed he admits that talk of permanence is just words. However, each and every one of us (especially unsecured without awareness) have an EGO that won't rest lightly with it.
Don't try to figure out what he is saying beyond what he is saying. If you are the secure one you will have to just make your own decisions for your best interest. Also, if I myself knew the person I was involved with in the "situationship" (which I would never be involved in again- I don't do ambiguous crazy stuff when it comes to love and sex anymore!!!) I would internally and also externally be DONE. He may be allowing sex and hanging out knowing that it's a matter of time, until you go. If he isn't emotionally invested, he accepts this but it will bruise his ego. That's no reason to change anything at all that you think is best for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Feb 23, 2019 14:17:21 GMT
My thoughts are, absolutely no male ego will be ok with a woman finding another man. My experience with DA men, is that they will let you go because it's fair, if you leave they won't fight it because they know they are not going to give you what you desire. And that's been discussed, and when pressed he admits that talk of permanence is just words. However, each and every one of us (especially unsecured without awareness) have an EGO that won't rest lightly with it. Don't try to figure out what he is saying beyond what he is saying. If you are the secure one you will have to just make your own decisions for your best interest. Also, if I myself knew the person I was involved with in the "situationship" (which I would never be involved in again- I don't do ambiguous crazy stuff when it comes to love and sex anymore!!!) I would internally and also externally be DONE. He may be allowing sex and hanging out knowing that it's a matter of time, until you go. If he isn't emotionally invested, he accepts this but it will bruise his ego. That's no reason to change anything at all that you think is best for you. A ”situationship” was just what I needed efter my divorce. I wasn’t ready for a relationship but still wanted to have sex and have a good time with someone. But I knew it would be temporarily. My egotistical side says “No problem if I meet him sometimes while I don’t find someone I want to be exclusive with. He says it’s fine so it’s fine”. But my other side says “it’s no ok to continue seeing him when I feel he is not that ok with that. Finish things with him”. When I think about what feels best for me, of course it would be the egotistical side but I’m not this kind of person who just think about myself. Even in limited relationships I still care about my partners well being specially when they care about mine too. Anyway, I will share with him my thoughts about that. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 16:39:20 GMT
My thoughts are, absolutely no male ego will be ok with a woman finding another man. My experience with DA men, is that they will let you go because it's fair, if you leave they won't fight it because they know they are not going to give you what you desire. And that's been discussed, and when pressed he admits that talk of permanence is just words. However, each and every one of us (especially unsecured without awareness) have an EGO that won't rest lightly with it. Don't try to figure out what he is saying beyond what he is saying. If you are the secure one you will have to just make your own decisions for your best interest. Also, if I myself knew the person I was involved with in the "situationship" (which I would never be involved in again- I don't do ambiguous crazy stuff when it comes to love and sex anymore!!!) I would internally and also externally be DONE. He may be allowing sex and hanging out knowing that it's a matter of time, until you go. If he isn't emotionally invested, he accepts this but it will bruise his ego. That's no reason to change anything at all that you think is best for you. A ”situationship” was just what I needed efter my divorce. I wasn’t ready for a relationship but still wanted to have sex and have a good time with someone. But I knew it would be temporarily. My egotistical side says “No problem if I meet him sometimes while I don’t find someone I want to be exclusive with. He says it’s fine so it’s fine”. But my other side says “it’s no ok to continue seeing him when I feel he is not that ok with that. Finish things with him”. When I think about what feels best for me, of course it would be the egotistical side but I’m not this kind of person who just think about myself. Even in limited relationships I still care about my partners well being specially when they care about mine too. Anyway, I will share with him my thoughts about that. I understand , I am the same way. My conscience would have me stepping away from him to pursue dating, just because I think everyone has feelings and even if it's just ego, it's painful stuff and I don't want to contribute to that any more than is incidental or unavoidable in making healthy choices for myself. |
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Feb 23, 2019 16:50:46 GMT
My 2 cents. Maybe he is trusting and joking with you more now because the pressure is off him. He doesn't have to be an official boyfriend if you are dating others.
Friends talk about dating things...it is intimate and fascinating subject matter.
I would take him at his word but decide what you feel comfortable with going forward . He gets to manage his own feelings in this ambiguous situation of his own choosing.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 23, 2019 18:40:46 GMT
I would do what you feel is best for you regardless of his jealousy, if you think it’s only jealousy. I think a DA would be honest, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t feelings of jealousy or possessiveness for the other person. I think that is pretty basic human nature, especially when you care for someone, even if not necessarily feeling “in love.” I would feel free to pursue others if that’s the dynamic of your relationship and you can handle it. I personally could not handle it emotionally.
When my DA broke up with me he said the thought of me with other guys killed him but he knew it wasn’t fair to ask me to wait for him.
About a month later we started seeing each other casually and he would say passive aggressive statements like “I’m sure you have the dates lined up at your door” and once when I texted how beautiful a restaurant was decorated for Christmas he responded “I hope you enjoyed your date.” So he had some insecurities about me seeing other people even though he broke up with me.
I noticed the comments diminished when we started to see each other more frequently and were together on every holiday including Valentines and Christmas- he probably assumed if I was with him those nights then I wasn’t seeing anyone else. I think casual or not though if you share a history you will have some of those feelings, but it doesn’t mean the person wants more either.
|
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Feb 24, 2019 10:36:07 GMT
My 2 cents. Maybe he is trusting and joking with you more now because the pressure is off him. He doesn't have to be an official boyfriend if you are dating others. Friends talk about dating things...it is intimate and fascinating subject matter. I would take him at his word but decide what you feel comfortable with going forward . He gets to manage his own feelings in this ambiguous situation of his own choosing. Maybe yes, maybe not! I was honest when we first met about that I wasn’t look for a boyfriend at that moment. I’m not sure why he got triggered anyway. Maybe because we humans are born to connect and it’s not so strange that we got closer to each other efter spending so much time together. |
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Feb 24, 2019 11:01:51 GMT
I would do what you feel is best for you regardless of his jealousy, if you think it’s only jealousy. I think a DA would be honest, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t feelings of jealousy or possessiveness for the other person. I think that is pretty basic human nature, especially when you care for someone, even if not necessarily feeling “in love.” I would feel free to pursue others if that’s the dynamic of your relationship and you can handle it. I personally could not handle it emotionally. When my DA broke up with me he said the thought of me with other guys killed him but he knew it wasn’t fair to ask me to wait for him. About a month later we started seeing each other casually and he would say passive aggressive statements like “I’m sure you have the dates lined up at your door” and once when I texted how beautiful a restaurant was decorated for Christmas he responded “I hope you enjoyed your date.” So he had some insecurities about me seeing other people even though he broke up with me. I noticed the comments diminished when we started to see each other more frequently and were together on every holiday including Valentines and Christmas- he probably assumed if I was with him those nights then I wasn’t seeing anyone else. I think casual or not though if you share a history you will have some of those feelings, but it doesn’t mean the person wants more either. I don’t how councious he is about his feelings and emotions. Once I was at a club and one of his friends came to talk to me and said “oh you are the girl X talks about. He likes you a lot”. I never met any of his friends and he haven’t met mine either. When I asked him about what is those things that he talks about us to his friends, he was pretty dismissive and said “I don’t say so much, just that we are seeing each other.” He have said twice to me before that sometimes he is unsure about his feelings for me. He said sometimes it feels like he is in love but he is unsure if just a very strong attraction. He said he likes having me around but that he is afraid that this can get too much. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 24, 2019 18:43:43 GMT
stayhappy - I think when a guy loves you, you know it and when he’s conflicted, you also know it. I remember when my ex DA, while we were having a conversation about us, told me I should start talking to other guys. I told him I couldn’t jump from his bed to another and he said he wasn’t telling me to have sex w another guy, he was just saying I should “talk to them.” This was totally confusing to me bc I thought why would I start talking to a guy and build a relationship with him and not expect any physical to happen? And only have physical with a shut down guy? I’ve come to realize it was confusing bc it wasn’t right. I wanted more, he couldn’t or wouldn’t give more and what finally feels right now is walking away and going no contact. I didn’t know it would feel so right but I finally don’t feel conflict- I don’t feel the chase. And it feels good. So I guess I’m saying if things don’t add up and things feel off or confusing, it’s probably because they are and whatever it is that you’re doing, doesn’t align with one or both of you. This was a long process for me to accept but now that I’m there, it’s freeing.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 25, 2019 21:55:08 GMT
faithopelove Great advice as always. I just wanted to say I've followed your threads THL and I am truly so happy to hear that finally you are feeling some much needed inner peace. You deserve to feel such peace. You have used this forum wisely by staying close and sharing your experience and taking what you needed from it too. I have followed your healing and you are a remarkable lady who has helped many including myself in the healing process. I feel very excited for you on your new journey to freedom. Your story and others show what an amazing tool this forum can be to a healthier future....Go girl 😘 - awe, thank you so much for your kind words 💗 I'm so glad to hear I have helped you in some way- if that’s the case then none of this was a wasted exercise! I’m feeling mostly positive and (tentatively) strong. Most days and moments I’m good but I’m definitely offering safeguards to myself to stay the course. I know I’m doing the right thing and that gives me the impetus to continue. I feel right now I need to be in a state of trust- I need to trust everything will work out for me in order to take my hands out of this situation I clung to for so long. If I rely on that trust, any fear of the future greatly diminishes. Driving home from work I heard “our song” on the radio and while I cried for a couple seconds, I have to say the feelings of peace and resolve far outweigh any doubts or hesitation I’ve felt lately in no contact. And the missing him- I realize the person I’ve been holding onto the past 16 months isn’t the person I miss- this emotionally dead person is a shadow of his former self. Choosing me and what’s best for me and growing in my self-love and trust truly feels peaceful and satisfying. It’s a journey, and a hard process but I’m accepting that journey with wonderful people like you. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!! We’ve got this!!! 😘🙏🏻💗 |
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Mar 3, 2019 8:59:30 GMT
An update:
I did ask him what he meant something else by “I haven’t seeing anyone else for months” (since we had the talk).
He answer was: “ I can’t and will not try stop you from meeting a good guy who can give everything you want and deserve. Maybe it was my bad way to say that I want to be with you. But at the same time I know you want to build a family like now and you are far more ready for all this than I am. I’m not sure if you will continue liking me that much if we start a relationship. You know I have to work a lot and I can be gone for work for weeks and I can’t stop and won’t stop doing this in a while. You know my job make me move away to other cities from time to time and that can be hard when you have a family. But if you want to try to be with me without feeling miserable so maybe we could give it a shot. “
I asked if he said those things because he may be jealous or something like that and he said: “of course I felt a little bit uncomfortable but at the same time I have no right to be jealous. As I told you before I have a hard time to open up to someone and I have been thinking about how to bring this up with you but I never found the right moment. I’m glad you asked. “
So I guess now it’s time to find out if we can be a good life partners together or not!
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Mar 4, 2019 0:41:36 GMT
There you go, it’s all out there. Consider your real motivations before you do. Are you entirely sure all that, and the unavailability that caused the delay in it being brought up will be ok with you?
|
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Mar 4, 2019 5:31:59 GMT
There you go, it’s all out there. Consider your real motivations before you do. Are you entirely sure all that, and the unavailability that caused the delay in it being brought up will be ok with you? I’m not sure If I understand your question. I don’t know if you have followed what I wrote here but I was also have been in process of becoming more availability after my divorce. I think me being unvailibity was probably the reason why we attracted each other from the beginning. I haven’t have a lot of partners but he isn’t the kind of guy I would drow to and seriously date from the beginning if he have showed avoidance tendencies early on. But when we met I wasn’t look for a relationship and well he has the kind of look I feel physical attracted to so. But by spending time together I got to know more of him. The moment I felted it was becoming more than sex for him was the moment he started pulling away. Except from the distancing moments that happend after too much intimacy my satisfaction with the “relationship” was high. My “choosing a partner steps “ goes like this: *first I date to know if the guy could be a boyfriend *If he get to be my friend and we engaged in a relationship we will find out if we wanna live together and if we would be good life partners together. If yes: *Move in together, see how the dynamic works. Would we be good parents together? Are we happy together? If no breakup if yes we continue our life. I hope until we grown old but life can take other ways too. Now we are at second step. I don’t know how it will be. I just know he is loving, caring and respect me. The space thing wasn’t something I was used too and it can be hard but I wanna try. He have been like a boyfriend in a long time. He thought me like drive a car and I finally got my drive license. He read all my thesis from the university because it’s not my mother tong but his and he wanted to help. I live in foreign country and on Christmas I was all by myself and he took his time on phone to make me company and a lot more things that makes me happy. I hope he feels good with me too. Well and I guess he does otherwise he would not spend more than a year with me. So yes! I’m sure I wanna give it a try even if took more time than usual to come to this place. This delay is also on me so let’s see how things will work out. |
|
