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Post by lovebunny on Feb 24, 2019 18:36:36 GMT
So glad to discover this forum. I'll write about myself in the anxious forum, but right now I feel like I need a reality check on a recent breakup.
We're both women, she's in her mid-thirties, me mid-forties. We dated 4 months, spent a lot of time together. I never would have thought her avoidant if I just looked at her behavior towards me. She seemed so focused, sure in her movements towards me. She was always attentive, 100% present, and seemed committed.
Sure, she refused to call me her "girlfriend," but I just figured it was her tough girl act. She treated me like her girlfriend. Everyone thought she was my girlfriend.
I thought things were good. We only fought once, and it wasn't about the relationship. We fit in with each other's friends and coworkers. We talked about taking a vacation together this summer, she'd already bought tickets to a play for my birthday in 2 months.
I had felt a slight distance lately, but was trying not to make a big deal. Then one night she didn't return my texts all night, very out of character, and I had a meltdown. After that, she told me she'd shut down her feelings for me because she didn't want to fall, she did not want to be in a relationship, and she did not love me or see me as more than a temporary thing. She, of course, still wanted to see me and sleep with me sometimes. I thanked her for her honesty, told her I could not be comfortable in a permanently casual relationship and wasn't ready for platonic friendship.
Since then, she's sent texts about how much she misses me and how hard this is. I didn't shut her out or go NC, I admitted I'm hurting too. She has a bunch of stuff at my house I need to get back to her. She wants to talk tonight, and I'm not sure if what I'll hear will help or hurt me.
I can see signs of fearful avoidance, things she's said "I'm no good at relationships."(from what I've seen she's great at relationships, maybe just not staying in them!) She doesn't have any longterm friends despite having lived here a while. She's only had 2 serious relationships, and told me she didn't love either woman. To her credit, she owned it, told me it had nothing to do with me, it was all her, and that she's done this before.
I can't get a grip on my spinning head and emotions, and want to be compassionate towards this woman, who is trying her best I think to do the right thing for us both.
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birdy
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Post by birdy on Feb 24, 2019 20:22:13 GMT
Welcome, others will give you brilliant advice. Just to say, my heart goes out to you in your distress and confusion. I was relieved to discover this place too, and it's helped me so much just reading past content. Check out Alan Robarge and Thais Gibson on YouTube too. Both very useful.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 24, 2019 21:34:29 GMT
Welcome to the forums....I know...I really understand that you want to know about her...why she decided to end it, what was driving it...there is some comfort in labels...they give meaning to what feels foreign. The thing to remember is...and this is hard...understanding her will not change the dynamic and it won’t necessarily give you peace...understanding yourself however...will provide you with a map to better understand what you need. I am terribly sorry for the end of your relationship.
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Post by lovebunny on Feb 25, 2019 13:12:56 GMT
Thanks guys.
Last night we talked, and she said she isn't ready to end things. Apparently, she thought she'd be able to walk away from me without pain, and she was floored by how badly she missed me. She seemed genuinely surprised by this. I was like, well yes, we've spent every night together for 4 months and you're crazy about me, why wouldn't you be upset that I'm gone?
We talked about some of the things that made her feel hesitant about moving forward. They were not huge things. The fact that I'm a different race and don't always understand where she's coming from, the fact that I drink--she drinks just as much, but she's like "Yeah but maybe someday I want to get sober  "
I explained that I will not do a push-pull relationship, and she wants me she needs to step up and be my girlfriend, not my friendswithbenefits, not my hanging-out psuedo relationship. I told her her stuff was all packed up, and if she couldn't give me that, I'm out as much as that sucks. We kissed a little ok a lot, but I left before sex could happen. I asked her to take a little time to figure out if she can really be both feet in, plus I need to think about if I can trust her enough to open up again.
I talked a bit about attachment theory, she didn't know about it. I think she's starting to understand that my emotional landscape is vastly different from hers, and I'm not exaggerating how emotional I am. I'm definitely aware of how physically uncomfortable she gets dealing with emotions. I was very proud of her last night for pushing through her icky feelings to have such a heartfelt conversation with me.
We'll see what happens. I feel good now, but I'm still scared she'll decide now that she got some kisses and hugs and praise, she's feeling better, and will decide she just can't be with me because I'm not her perfect vision of a partner.
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Post by chipper on Feb 25, 2019 15:07:38 GMT
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Many of us on this forum have been in your shoes, so you’re in a good space.
The key here is that she needs to be willing to accept, acknowledge, and work with a therapist on her attachment issues.
Anything short of that, and any future relationship with her is very likely to be similar to your current relationship.
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Post by mrob on Feb 25, 2019 16:35:45 GMT
The key here, actually, is to look at yourself and your anxiousness. Sweep your side of the street. Also, non alcoholics don’t fantasise about getting sober.
Also, in response to the above post, I’d like to point out Insecurely attached is insecurely attached, no matter where one sits, and it really annoys me that some think others insecure attachment is less damaging than their own. I’d like to hope that most of us here are looking to change faulty patterns.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2019 1:22:21 GMT
The key here, actually, is to look at yourself and your anxiousness. Sweep your side of the street. Also, non alcoholics don’t fantasise about getting sober. Also, in response to the above post, I’d like to point out Insecurely attached is insecurely attached, no matter where one sits, and it really annoys me that some think others insecure attachment is less damaging than their own. I’d like to hope that most of us here are looking to change faulty patterns. This is slightly off topic, but I've noticed a pattern in "analysis" and am wondering what your take is on this, since you've pointed this out explicitly mrob. I think that's very true that one should just primarily look at oneself and focus on changing your own faulty patterns. I do that by also analyzing how I've behaved in certain interactions, and noticing how the other person reacts elicit a reaction in me. talking about interactions and the other party is how I also make sense of myself, not to shift the attention onto them and say i'm faultless. Perhaps for me, it's an interaction effect - I'm not AP with most people in my life, only a few, and it's curious to me why particular interactions are so different from the norm. that said, it took me a while to get to this point where the analysis moved from "what is going on here" to "what am i doing and what can i do better". I've noticed that when triggered AP, my reality with this particular individual is ambiguous and confusing, and so the focus is really on the situation with the other person and trying to sense make if i'm the crazy person or not. what has really helped for me over time is to understand that I'm not the crazy one, and the AP/DA dynamic is crazymaking for several reasons, and through that, I have learnt alot more about alternative emotional landscapes. This subsequently helped me to incorporate the information into my worldviews and shape my behaviors and attitudes accordingly i.e., don't take things personally. it has also helped me see that I am equally the problem and that I need to alter my faulty patterns for everyone's benefit. took a while to get here. maybe we should move this post elsewhere if it gains interest. lovebunny sorry about your situation and difficulties. as many has and will point it out to you, it's imperative to first focus on yourself and get into a stable place. it's normal to get anxious in your situation based on what you've described, so like what mrob said, just look at yourself and get yourself into a good spot. she already said it's all about her, and not about you, so believe her. |
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Post by lovebunny on Feb 26, 2019 13:28:11 GMT
Thanks guys,
In a stunning turn of events, last night she came over and told me she is committed to being in a relationship with me, wants to be my girlfriend both feet in, and even used the "L" word. I feel cautiously optimistic. I was blindsided by her pulling away, but now that I understand she might do that sometimes and why, I will hopefully be able to take it less personally. Knowing that this time she came back, and probably will again, helps.
I remember a time in my life back when I met my ex husband. I was mostly avoidant at that point, had several boyfriends, and really hurt him by jumping around between men when he just wanted to be with me. At some point, I realized that hurting him hurt me, and I decided to be with him both feet him. I think that's what happened with her, she realized I'm not just another fling. We'll see what happens, but right now we both seem wide open to each other.
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Post by mrob on Feb 26, 2019 13:43:49 GMT
I hope so, for both of you. Be warned, though, that you may have just experienced a “cycle”. As I say, I hope not.
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Post by lovebunny on Feb 26, 2019 18:12:48 GMT
Ah, yes, cycles. My last girlfriend was BPD, and I went through 2 1/2 years of on-again-off-again. Eventually,it got to a point where I was happier when we were "off," so that's where I stayed. I definitely can't see myself putting up with that dynamic again.
FA and I have great talks, she is curious about the human condition, and though she may lack awareness of her own emotions, she is strangely insightful about mine. We communicate well, and in the short time I've known her. She has strong personal ethics, not the kind to break her word, and I feel that whatever she can do on a conscious level to stay right with me, she will--It's only the unconscious stuff she has no control over that that's scary.
Now that I'm feeling less anxious and upset, I can use this time to work on myself more. I need to make more friends (two of my besties move out of town this year.) Figure out a way to more money. Both these, I think, will help me relax my nervous system no matter what happens.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 2, 2019 20:53:19 GMT
I hope so, for both of you. Be warned, though, that you may have just experienced a “cycle”. As I say, I hope not. Agreed....the guy I saw would pull way back and then ramp it up...like a rubber band....and I never really understood it (really wish I did). |
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