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Post by lovebunny on Mar 2, 2019 13:26:38 GMT
I find the feeling of waiting up for someone almost unbearably uncomfortable.
I wonder if it isn't a trigger, my ex husband was a chef who worked late, then would often go out after for drinks and drugs to "unwind." How I hated laying in bed, waiting to hear his key in the door, sometimes blowing up his phone until 3 am. Ugh. A couple of times, in the middle of the night, I got in a cab, went to his favorite after-hours bar, and dragged him home. Our fights after such nights were brutal.
My current romantic partner is female FA. She's nothing like my ex husband, but waiting up for anyone creates anxiety for me. Last night was such an evening. She's 12 years younger than me, and much more social. So she was meeting a friend for what she said would be just one drink, she asked me to wait to have dinner so we could eat together. Then one drink turned into two, she texted me to go ahead and eat. I was starting to get a little anxious, but I had wine, food, and a show I wanted to watch, so ok. Then, two drinks became three. I started to get frustrated. I'd been invited to a party I could've gone to, but I was more interested in waiting for her to come over and maybe watch a movie with me, because of course, I want to be with her, not other people. By the time I realized she wasn't coming over until after 10pm, I was sleepy and lonely and no longer interested in socializing with her or anyone else.
I texted her that she should just go to her own apartment, I'd catch her tomorrow. I just didn't want to deal with the feeling of "waiting up," and didn't want to reward her with my warm body for being insensitive (which I kind of thought she was being a little.) She got pissy about that, she loves going to sleep together, but I gave her a firm no. I went to bed early, had horrible dreams, then texted her a nice note this morning telling her I missed her, have a great day, to which she responded in kind.
That feeling of sitting at home waiting to hear her car pull in.....it makes my skin crawl. I feel powerless. I'd rather just have her not come over at all then have to wait, and wait, and wait. Anybody have tips for dealing?
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 2, 2019 14:50:32 GMT
I don’t think this is an AP issue exactly- I think it’s a problem that your partners treat you in an inconsiderate and rude way. I wouldn’t learn how to deal or manage anxiety from them- I’d find a new partner or be alone. An issue to look at within would be why you tolerate their mistreatment or find it something you need to manage. Why do you think this treatment is acceptable? Some partners would create anxiety in an insecure or secure. Define and communicate your standards and walk away when a partner tramples all over them.
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Post by mrob on Mar 2, 2019 17:23:15 GMT
Sure, it’s disrespectful not to call and let some know you’ll be late if you’ve made an appointment.
I had this with my ex-wife a handful of times over a long period, where she would go out with friends, or to a concert I had no interest in, and would have to sit on my hands as the clock ticked. I understand. But, she is her own sovereign human being, regardless of relationship status, so this was my stuff to deal with. I chose not to participate, I deal with it.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 2, 2019 18:34:02 GMT
This is also an issue with trust. It can be an AP pattern to feel a scarcity mentality about this, if I don't wait up I may miss my chance to see them and never get it back again. Because there's a lack of trust in the stability of the relationship, that is probably accurate if the partners are both insecure and a projection if only the one waiting is AP or anxious leaning FA while the other is secure.
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Post by lovebunny on Mar 2, 2019 19:23:49 GMT
I don’t think this is an AP issue exactly- I think it’s a problem that your partners treat you in an inconsiderate and rude way. I guess since we didn't have any plan" together, I didn't see it as her being terribly inconsiderate. I was just home doing my thing, she was going out with an old coworker she hadn't seen in a while, but wanted to come over after. I know I've certainly been guilty of staying out later than I meant to while having fun with my friends. I hadn't cooked dinner or anything (was ordering in.) In a "healthy" relationship, would this have been verboten?
I stopped by her job today to say hi, and I did scold her a bit for not sticking to what she originally told me ("one drink, won't be long.") I'm pretty sure if shoe were on the other foot, she would not have been bothered by me staying out later than intended, then crawling into bed with her after.
This is only a 4 month-old relationship, so we're still trying to figure each other out. I get the feeling she is very "in the moment," and whoever's in front of her gets her full bandwidth.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 2, 2019 21:00:38 GMT
I don’t think this is an AP issue exactly- I think it’s a problem that your partners treat you in an inconsiderate and rude way. I guess since we didn't have any plan" together, I didn't see it as her being terribly inconsiderate. I was just home doing my thing, she was going out with an old coworker she hadn't seen in a while, but wanted to come over after. I know I've certainly been guilty of staying out later than I meant to while having fun with my friends. I hadn't cooked dinner or anything (was ordering in.) In a "healthy" relationship, would this have been verboten?
I stopped by her job today to say hi, and I did scold her a bit for not sticking to what she originally told me ("one drink, won't be long.") I'm pretty sure if shoe were on the other foot, she would not have been bothered by me staying out later than intended, then crawling into bed with her after.
This is only a 4 month-old relationship, so we're still trying to figure each other out. I get the feeling she is very "in the moment," and whoever's in front of her gets her full bandwidth.
Even in a newer relationship, it was a pattern with your ex in the past so I would be careful to communicate your feelings and expectations. It obviously bothered and triggered you. I would be concerned if this happened more than a few times. To me, it says a lot about a person and the way they treat people. At least in a trusting and committed adult relationship. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 3, 2019 1:02:48 GMT
I guess it would be too easy to say "Don't wait up for someone"?
I do think you should tell her how you feel about the concept of waiting up. She should be able to be clear when she's not going to be there at a planned time so you could do your own thing. I can't really remember about early relationships though-- I've been married like 15 years, and on the rare event that one of us goes out late without the other person the other certainly doesn't wait up.
Also, it really is okay for you to just go to sleep. There is no reason to stay awake for somebody when you don't know when they'll be home.
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Post by lovebunny on Mar 3, 2019 16:39:26 GMT
Also, it really is okay for you to just go to sleep. There is no reason to stay awake for somebody when you don't know when they'll be home. Logically, I know this. I'm not intentionally waiting up, and I certainly will go to bed. Something about the anticipation of someone opening the door and coming in keeps me half-awake, though. I often have a hard time sleeping until my partner is in bed with me.
In the case of the other night, I think the problem really was that I ended up home alone on a friday night, waiting for company, instead of going out to socialize. I should have just said at a certain point, "Ok, I'm going to Louie's, meet me there when you're done or I'll text you when headed home." Instead, I became more self-pitying and resentful then just went to bed feeling bad.
I talked to FA about it, and she was apologetic and seemed to understand where I was coming from. She took me out last night on a nice date to make up for it.
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 6, 2019 23:02:17 GMT
Something I've found helpful is to tell them in advance what time I intend on going to bed(/giving up on waiting up) and then stick to it. Like, "Sure, come on by tonight as long as it's before 10pm, but otherwise I'll be going to bed and not checking my phone after that since I like to turn the ringer off when I'm sleeping." This does have a danger, if you're in an anxious-triggered place thinking you might not see the person again if you don't see them tonight like alexandra described, of resulting in you ending up staying up past that 10pm cutoff waiting around for their reply to your last text that was asking if they are coming over or not. But if I'm feeling pretty secure, or my willpower is good, then it works well. |
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