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Post by sissyk on Mar 2, 2019 23:20:47 GMT
Just curious--there is often talk on these boards of turning the focus inward, examining one's own issues and patterns. So I ask, what specifically have you learned while reflecting on the relationship(s) that brought you to these boards that would help you (and maybe others) in the next go round? Can you encapsulate it in a few sentences?
1) I think with my DAFA (?) I was too concerned with taking the relationship's temperature at all times in the early goings--I over-strategized and over-monitored and tried to move all the right levers to try to have a "successful" relationship. And our connection almost wilted completely through my overwatering. So next time, I am going to spend more time just observing and being in the moment. People are complicated and it takes a very very very long time to get to know someone There is no rushing that.
2) Attachment styles are a useful lens, but they are not the whole story. To the person with a hammer, the world is a nail. I think I spent several months trying to shove a complicated person into a Procrustean bed. Oh! He is DA! Here are his operating instructions! It is a comforting narrative as it brings order out of chaos, but I think it slowed my progress in seeing the fine-grained individual in front of me. So my second take away is I have a tendency to over-analyze and that can prevents me from being open to the nuances.
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 3, 2019 0:55:19 GMT
Let's see...
1. I think they boards, and books I read, made it easier for me to see my role in things. Before, it was easy to be so caught up in other poeple's choices to walk away, disassociate, not communicate, send mixed messages, etc. and the sometimes immense pain it has caused me, that I didn't really face the way I may have done some of those things too. Before, I wasn't really able to see my role or how things can be an ongoing exchange or what some call a metaphoric "dance." I was more focused on their actions and how it affected me. Now I can better face and take accountability for my own actions.
2. They boards have also given me a deeper understanding that most people do the best they can given their circumstances, histories and previous experiences, brain/mind, resources, etc. That includes both the other people and myself-- and so helps with forgiveness of self and others.
3. I've learned that I need to make fewer assumptions, and do more of the "tell me more about that" instead. Also, that I should do more to express my own needs, desires, and hopes rather than assuming I can't get those things, or being too afraid that if I did the other person would end the friendship or relationship.
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Post by sissyk on Mar 3, 2019 1:04:47 GMT
Let's see... 1. I think they boards, and books I read, made it easier for me to see my role in things. Before, it was easy to be so caught up in other poeple's choices to walk away, disassociate, not communicate, send mixed messages, etc. and the sometimes immense pain it has caused me, that I didn't really face the way I may have done some of those things too. Before, I wasn't really able to see my role or how things can be an ongoing exchange or what some call a metaphoric "dance." I was more focused on their actions and how it affected me. Now I can better face and take accountability for my own actions. 2. They boards have also given me a deeper understanding that most people do the best they can given their circumstances, histories and previous experiences, brain/mind, resources, etc. That includes both the other people and myself-- and so helps with forgiveness of self and others. 3. I've learned that I need to make fewer assumptions, and do more of the "tell me more about that" instead. Also, that I should do more to express my own needs, desires, and hopes rather than assuming I can't get those things, or being too afraid that if I did the other person would end the friendship or relationship. I totally agree that most of us are doing the best we can! I think we can get in an almost warring camps mindset in these dynamics and remembering this is a good antidote. |
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Post by ocarina on Mar 3, 2019 12:28:13 GMT
I think I got lost in the avoidant picture - about learning all about attachment types in order to understand rationally what was going on - when in reality I needed to be able to experience the moments fully in order to be able to process my own stuff and become clear sighted. I have learnt that avoidance often hides in the wanting to know, the wanting to have a rational reason and recognise patterns - in reality for me at least, this was avoidance of confronting the deep dark underneath parts of myself. But opening these parts up to the light is what has brought about healing and eventual freedom - and ongoing process for sure. Good question sissyk. |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 4, 2019 22:44:32 GMT
Good question. Big question!! Since my break I’ve learned and identified AP attachment in myself and areas that needed to be addressed and worked out. The major issues I needed to confront and continue to address: 1. Fear of abandonment - fostering love and acceptance within so I don’t seek validation from a future partner and then desperately try to hold onto that validation and use it as evidence of my self-worth. Settings healthy boundaries and not being afraid to express my thoughts and feelings for fear of losing a partner. 2. Anxiety - learning to recognize and manage my anxiety, particularly in time and space with a partner, recognizing when my anxiety may be rising and not allowing my nervous system to override my logical thought processes and actions. Now that I’m more aware of my anxiety I’ve noticed that anxious feeling not only in my romantic relationships but also in other areas of my life and I’m more able to control it. 3. Co-dependence - until after my break up and research I thought co-dependent relationships and behaviors were normal (!) Learning to reframe my thinking and stand alone and content in my single status so I’m less at risk for becoming enmeshed with a future partner. Also strengthening my independence and inner-security so I’m less likely to make a future partner my life or put him on a pedestal as I always have in past relationships. Fostering the ability to have an inward focus. Thanks for making me think, sissyk! This was such a big question I put off answering for a few days 💗 |
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