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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 4:34:35 GMT
I do think it's awareness that allows me to understand and articulate it. And so, I'm going to speak on behalf of DA who are not aware: They suffer, in response to a deep loss. As much of a loss as any AP suffered. Abandonment , neglect, abuse. Deactivation was wired in them in response to being an infant, a child, abandoned. The soul doesn't forget, the mind doesn't forget, the body doesn't forget. The DA forgets, but the DA also, never forgets.
I became aware at some point when I learned about it, how the nervous system works in trauma. A PTSD therapist told me about the amygdala. It took me years to really be able to understand and begin to work with it.
I spent years disconnected from myself and everything else. I was isolated most of my life due to my dismissive avoidant attachment wounding.
That is all I want to say on the topic for now. Thank you for understanding.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 6:33:45 GMT
@nullified, thanks for sharing and apologies if I had brought up something unpleasant.
indeed there's suffering for everyone, and no one's suffering is more or more important than another. whatever it is, i think awareness, acceptance and acknowledgement are keys to initiating change, and that's all we're gunning for.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2019 15:56:32 GMT
It's very interesting that I was able to watch myself go through this process of deactivation yesterday in response to an exchange with my ex. Now that I have clarity about the impact of the dynamic on me and a strong awareness of what I can and cannot participate in, I have had a very strong and telling reaction internally to the emotional chaos that he emits.
He was in some kind of anxiety mode and brought that to me, as is his habit. (I enabled this in the relationship by overgiving of my time, empathy, and energy when it would have been better to have emotional boundaries and set limits on what I can and cannot help with). I recognized the relentless thought stream of pessimism and fear in him; and offered limited but sincere encouragement. I realized that this pattern is a tremendous energy drain and that it's not healthy for me to be involved in this capacity for a partner or ex partner, which is obvious and reasonable to me, rationally. What was interesting is the huge trigger it is for me now that I'm aware and very much wanting to protect myself from it! I felt myself shut down and back away, with such an awareness of the big "NO" Inside of me. I am saying no to unmitigated confusion, conflictedness, instability, fear. It's like poison to me. I'm totally fine with going numb to that, and it's a signal to me to cut contact and eliminate this dynamic, once and for all.
I was kind, I was empathetic, and I can see how he is tortured by his own internal situation. I had to ask him to let go of this connection and find a way to come to some kind of peace within himself, I cannot provide assistance and also cannot allow the negative impact of his emotional states on me.
I'm sure in this case that deactivation was as good as intuition. I don't want to remain in the grip of an automatic nervous system response, and I will continue to work on that. But the message is clear to me: when I know better I need to do better in terms of maintaining boundaries and knowing what is good for me and what is bad for me.
Anyway, I did go into full hypo mode and it really feels like a thick helmet on my head and like I got hit with a tranquilizer dart. I went to bed early, but notice that in that state Im knocked out but not able to actually sleep well. It's like having a little too much sedative instead of just the right amount. I laid there a while numb but relieved to have closed the door and eventually drifted off. I feel normal today, woke up thinking clearly and with good resolve to just shut the door and move forward.
The sensations of all the nervous system stuff were really acute. It's fascinating. I've been experiencing this a long time (obviously) and have never actually witnessed it quite like this! Not this clearly.
I've gained so much understanding though this about my own traps. I'm going to try to organize my thoughts into writing about how this all operated in me according to the ways I have still been stuck. I'm really glad for the progress I am making though.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 6, 2019 16:25:03 GMT
It's very interesting that I was able to watch myself go through this process of deactivation yesterday in response to an exchange with my ex. Now that I have clarity about the impact of the dynamic on me and a strong awareness of what I can and cannot participate in, I have had a very strong and telling reaction internally to the emotional chaos that he emits. He was in some kind of anxiety mode and brought that to me, as is his habit. (I enabled this in the relationship by overgiving of my time, empathy, and energy when it would have been better to have emotional boundaries and set limits on what I can and cannot help with). I recognized the relentless thought stream of pessimism and fear in him; and offered limited but sincere encouragement. I realized that this pattern is a tremendous energy drain and that it's not healthy for me to be involved in this capacity for a partner or ex partner, which is obvious and reasonable to me, rationally. What was interesting is the huge trigger it is for me now that I'm aware and very much wanting to protect myself from it! I felt myself shut down and back away, with such an awareness of the big "NO" Inside of me. I am saying no to unmitigated confusion, conflictedness, instability, fear. It's like poison to me. I'm totally fine with going numb to that, and it's a signal to me to cut contact and eliminate this dynamic, once and for all. I was kind, I was empathetic, and I can see how he is tortured by his own internal situation. I had to ask him to let go of this connection and find a way to come to some kind of peace within himself, I cannot provide assistance and also cannot allow the negative impact of his emotional states on me. I'm sure in this case that deactivation was as good as intuition. I don't want to remain in the grip of an automatic nervous system response, and I will continue to work on that. But the message is clear to me: when I know better I need to do better in terms of maintaining boundaries and knowing what is good for me and what is bad for me. Anyway, I did go into full hypo mode and it really feels like a thick helmet on my head and like I got hit with a tranquilizer dart. I went to bed early, but notice that in that state Im knocked out but not able to actually sleep well. It's like having a little too much sedative instead of just the right amount. I laid there a while numb but relieved to have closed the door and eventually drifted off. I feel normal today, woke up thinking clearly and with good resolve to just shut the door and move forward. The sensations of all the nervous system stuff were really acute. It's fascinating. I've been experiencing this a long time (obviously) and have never actually witnessed it quite like this! Not this clearly. I've gained so much understanding though this about my own traps. I'm going to try to organize my thoughts into writing about how this all operated in me according to the ways I have still been stuck. I'm really glad for the progress I am making though. It is interesting that often in the grip of the overgiving/ overtolerating state, as DAs we can override the negative feelings in ourselves or numb out. It's pretty lacking in self compassion - at least in my experience, our ability to, as you said before, tolerate the intolerable. Once I became more awake to self love the previous patterns and my last relationship became really distasteful - I really just want a peaceful and reciprocal connection and the drama leaves a bad taste in my mouth - as does the inconsistency and neglect of my own needs. No blame at all on my ex partner, just a dawning realisation that I had let myself get lost.
Being able to observe this kind of thing as you just described is fascinating and great awareness - glad you're doing ok.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2019 16:34:08 GMT
Thank you ocarina. On the whole it was a very unpleasant experience but I am recovering. During the relationship when I was invested and had faith in it, I didn't go numb or feel negatively when he had worries, fears. I wanted to support him and be a great friend to him in that!! But over time as the indelible pattern emerged, and I recognized the imbalance, I began to see the incompatibility. I denied it for a little while but then other incidents precipitated my decision to end the relationship , as I shared when I first got here. So, I count it real progress to have been able to give it my best and then recognize when I was trying way to hard to save a sinking ship with someone who couldn't work side by side with me. This whole nervous system stuff takes a toll and is surely unhealthy - I want to rest today and in fact took a sick day. I'm going to enjoy some sunshine and a walk outdoors to counter the sedation , there is a little lingering blanket of fatigue. Thanks again ocarina. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2019 18:56:13 GMT
ocarina , do you have any tips you have found useful for reducing parasympathetic excess? I thought I was better than I am , it may have been just coffee and being in morning routine but I feel almost sick with the symptoms. I have to lay down- dizzy when I get up. My mouth is watering and I'm sweating a little more than normal. I'm queasy and my head is a little achy. These sound like normal illness symptoms but it's totally related to deactivation, I've been here before. I hate this. I'm going to take a nap and it's no big deal but I am trying to learn how to shorten this when it happens. A walk or movement doesn't seem like an option. Just checking to see if there is something you find good to do. Mostly I see tips on how to enter parasympathetic under stress but I have the opposite dilemma. It will pass but I feel just wiped out and down.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2019 21:13:47 GMT
FWIW I laid down for about six hours but then made myself get up and take a tepid shower. I used some peppermint sugar scrub and a drop of eucalyptus in my shampoo. I'm not saying it was a miracle but it seemed to help especially because the cold water blasted for a few seconds and shocked me lol. I made it out to buy a cup of espresso and it's not so bad. I'm open to other ideas if anyone has any.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 6, 2019 21:20:19 GMT
Cold water is really excellent - I do some cold water swimming and it's amazing how much different it makes when I am in some kind of brain fog - although often when in that state the most difficult thing to do is just to raise myself and take the first small step.
Small acts of caring for yourself sound a good plan - again taking just one step is often enough to begin to break out of the fug. I do think though that with most of these kind of emotional responses, doing some kind of body scan meditation and actually sitting with the process rather than trying to fix it works best for me in the long term - something that involves a compassionate focused awareness maybe.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2019 21:38:54 GMT
Thank you ocarina, the cold water really was bracing and it woke me up a little. In that state I don't feel it is such an emotional burden as a physiological one. I feel like a heavy sleepy sandbag. The feeling associated with it is a sadness or temporary depression but I don't feel alert enough to really recognize it , it just drifts in and out for me. I also struggle to concentrate on a body scan even with a guided meditation, I just am too lethargic and foggy. BUT, I noticed I got dehydrated from not drinking all night or today - a good idea would be to keep ice water by my bed. The compassionate part, for me, is taking a day off to allow myself to just lay down until I can get up. You are right, it's very hard to just make steps . But making it to the shower and using the scrub and oils was good. I was very aware of the sensations, of the sugar and tingly oils. Also the scents! I'm thinking- Cold shower, ice water to sip, maybe even minty gum and invigorating aromatherapy by my bed. A little deactivation care plan. |
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