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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2019 2:45:28 GMT
I am finding that the healthier and more secure I become, the less I am willing to engage in dynamics based on fear and insecurity. Looking back. I can see that the painful adult intimate relationships I have participated in were just recreations of the impossible situation I was raised and trained in. Relationships don't need to be chaotic and unstable. Does understanding this woman's destructive patterns make it more tolerable? The only advice I have is don't relax your boundaries for an unhealthy person unless being unhealthy with them is what you're aiming for. nullified - I agree that they don't need to be chaotic and unstable, being someone who loathes chaos and instability (at least consciously) its funny (but not funny) to see how ending up in them is partly because of my own attachment issues. This one in particular I took an anxious turn towards the end and following the breakup that was completely foreign to me having NEVER experienced anxiety on my side in a relationship or in general. I got this way because she had crossed one of my personal boundaries and I was highly conflicted about whether I needed to exit and even discussed with her calmly in-person. The conflict was between having a clear boundary of mine crossed but still having compassion for her and not wanting to abandon her (her biggest fear) when she was clearly in self-destruct mode. Of course after this convo she showed some self-awareness and apologized telling me I don't deserve that, obviously I know now I should have trusted my instincts and left. Good question - no, I've sought hard to understand the destructive patterns and her issues and show compassion. But at the end of the day it definitely does not make things more tolerable, I learned this the hard way ha. I've been in therapy and working on my own stuff for the past year, but being honest with myself there's still a part that is hopeful she's dug in and done the work and is showing up in a healthier place for reconciliation. I've seen enough self-awareness in her before that allows me to hold onto this thought. I guess I just have to be ready that she hasn't which is most likely the case. Good advice, appreciate your response. Well, take a deep breath, and show up as yourself, for yourself. I am a very candid person and I tend to like a direct approach. If I were in your shoes I am pretty sure I would hear her out, and then if there was any question in my mind about her intention or capacity, I'd simply ask: "Have you given any serious thought to reconciling our relationship?" I don't like guessing games or any kind of games at all, and I would rather scare someone off or receive a bitter truth with a direct question than make any assumptions or be in the dark. If something is confusing to me, that spells chaos and I don't do chaos if I can help it. It's such a horrible waste of time and energy. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2019 3:30:24 GMT
“I am finding that the healthier and more secure I become, the less I am willing to engage in dynamics based on fear and insecurity.” @nullified YES!! Your above statement. That is everything right there summed up as the bottom line. I will NO longer make decisions based on fear and insecurity. I will no longer allow fear and insecurity to rule my life. Every time I make a decision based on fear and insecurity it’s the wrong one. Every. Single. Time. That’s it 👆 If all the insecures- avoidant and anxious alike can get to that point, then we’ll eventually have everything! And, another side of this is, I don't want to be involved with a person who is driven by fear and insecurity. It all goes together. Nobody's perfect and it's a life long journey , but I won't be walking the recovery path alone unless I'm actually alone. If I enter another relationship it will be on more secure footing with a partner who can reflect that back to me. Compassion and understanding, to me, means not engaging if it hurts either partner. I can extend compassion and understanding to myself by knowing my limits, and extend it to others by respecting their limits as well and not engaging if it's just a big fat triggerfest. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2019 5:27:36 GMT
I have to say that it's also about finding a partner who is self-aware and self-accountable for their own issues. Both partners need to be centered or know how to be centered, then when issues arise, it becomes clearer if the issue is manageable/fixable. if one/both are not centered and stable, it's hard to disentangle if the problems are from the coupling or from neuroses or simply made worse by neuroses. This is not to say that everybody has to have no neuroses, but it's really being accountable to the self first in managing that, and that naturally translates into a better relationship dynamic.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 12, 2019 5:42:41 GMT
I have to say that it's also about finding a partner who is self-aware and self-accountable for their own issues. Both partners need to be centered or know how to be centered, then when issues arise, it becomes clearer if the issue is manageable/fixable. if one/both are not centered and stable, it's hard to disentangle if the problems are from the coupling or from neuroses or simply made worse by neuroses. This is not to say that everybody has to have no neuroses, but it's really being accountable to the self first in managing that, and that naturally translates into a better relationship dynamic. Second this. The first step I can identify in getting to be a better partner myself was I had learned how to identify when a problem was a me problem (projection) versus an us problem (the relationship) and communicate and take proper accountability if it was a me issue. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2019 14:26:43 GMT
I have to say that it's also about finding a partner who is self-aware and self-accountable for their own issues. Both partners need to be centered or know how to be centered, then when issues arise, it becomes clearer if the issue is manageable/fixable. if one/both are not centered and stable, it's hard to disentangle if the problems are from the coupling or from neuroses or simply made worse by neuroses. This is not to say that everybody has to have no neuroses, but it's really being accountable to the self first in managing that, and that naturally translates into a better relationship dynamic. Second this. The first step I can identify in getting to be a better partner myself was I had learned how to identify when a problem was a me problem (projection) versus an us problem (the relationship) and communicate and take proper accountability if it was a me issue. In my experience that is a natural part of the process of becoming more secure. |
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