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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2019 0:00:25 GMT
Do you guys have experience when you've had a relationship with someone with either a dismissive or fearful attachement style that cut you off as soon as you got to close. To the point, where they disconnected from you and you hadn't heard from them in months. Got on with your life and then they came back to get in contact with you?
What did you do?
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 8, 2019 1:07:45 GMT
Do you guys have experience when you've had a relationship with someone with either a dismissive or fearful attachement style that cut you off as soon as you got to close. To the point, where they disconnected from you and you hadn't heard from them in months. Got on with your life and then they came back to get in contact with you? What did you do? An FA is more likely to circle back. A DA is usually done. After my ex DA broke up with me he responded to my texts, but stopped initiating. He didn’t want to “give me the wrong idea,” but he also didn’t completely shut the door. The sudden disconnect after he shut down was very painful. It’s tough to reconnect bc an avoidant usually has trust issues and mine was triggered by our conflicts. I recently went no contact- we last saw each other on Valentine’s Day and he hasn’t said a word. |
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Post by unluckyinlove on Mar 8, 2019 15:46:16 GMT
Yes they do come back. My FA has returned to me four times. He and I were hot and heavy for two months before he ghosted for four months. I never understood why because things were still new and exciting. Four months is a long time when you only dated for two so I moved on.
Well we run in the same circle so I ran into him again after four months. He started to “hang out” with me again maybe once or twice a month. It was when he found out I was also casually dating someone else and actually started to blow him off for the other guy that he finally decided he wanted me. The other guy ended up being a loser and my FA and I started dating exclusively in a relationship for another two years.
Now he’s broken up/come back three times in a six month window before our final end in November. Sometimes I wonder if he’d be back again if I hadn’t set boundaries the last time he returned that if he left again, it would be final. I gave him a toothbrush and told him that after that, there are no more toothbrushes.
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 9, 2019 11:59:06 GMT
My FA has circled many times and I know he will circle again. He has not gone more than three months to circle. May take longer this time.
We agreed to be 'friends' and break up but 8 hours later he wanted me to come spend the night! I was already dead a asleep and saw his text in the morning. He was just triggered. We have not spoke since the 'break up'. We were not even together but its ended in any romantic way with us.
My friends is no hard feelings and if we run into each other we can smile, wave or say hello because we will run into each other, we have a mutual hobby/acquaintance friends. There is no talking/hanging out though. Friends from afar.
I wish him well and hope he faces what he needs to one day so he can stop the insanity of his life. his attachment does not only show in romantic relations, its in all areas of his life. His whole life is unstable, chaotic and anxiety filled with the exception of his job.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2019 1:07:38 GMT
My Fa/Ap ex sought me out after I broke up with him. I agreed to contact but couldn't tolerate the wishy washiness and have gone no contact with no intention to ever resume any type of connection, for me it's best left in the past.
I hope he does not circle back (without hate, I made it clear that I would not like to engage in this entanglement ever again) but if he breaks no contact would just reiterate the boundary. I can't see extending energy or any kind of effort into that connection again, it was too uncomfortable for me.
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Post by mrob on Mar 10, 2019 12:14:50 GMT
I’ve circled. I’d probably still be making a mess of both of our lives if she hadn’t become involved with someone else reasonably quickly.
I can not describe the feeling of engulfment when it’s happening.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 10, 2019 13:43:21 GMT
What I would hope, is that my ex feels as much relief about the end of the relationship as I do. It seems that being involved evokes such a shitstorm of emotion and reaction in him it would be a reprieve, one he didn't ask for but was granted. I dont understand the circling back to such a mess, maybe it's easier to repeat than to begin anew.
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Post by da4life on Mar 11, 2019 19:31:12 GMT
So I've been on this forum for a few months after a dramatic breakup/push-away with an FA ex, it's been incredibly helpful and all of you are amazing so thank you. Essentially I'm a recovering self-aware DA who had a mostly happy/healthy 10 month relationship with a person I thought to be secure but had told me about her avoidant past and how she had healed herself. I never saw this side of her while we dated and looking back its easy to see she had displayed many very anxious tendencies from the beginning that were easy for me to deal with so didn't think much of them. I was self-aware enough going in that I was able to tell her upfront prior to start of dating that I still have an issue with intimacy unrelated to her I needed to work through and not sure how deep I could get, it was an on-going mature conversation over a couple months period and essentially I ended the relationship because I couldn't give her what she was pushing for and even after she'd back off it was clearly affecting her and our relationship in a major way. We stayed friends for the 7 month period (still hooking up, acting as if dating at times) at her request. In the interim, I do some major work on myself and eventually come back to her saying I'm ready to go to the next level. Almost immediately I'm met with strange behavior from her I'd never seen before and spend the next 6 months attempting to understand what the hell was going on and who this person I thought I knew really was. he pulled a runner a couple times for different lengths of time, I didn't chase her and eventually she would come back but still not be able to be vulnerable about what was going on and blaming me for entire situation. 4 months ago she made last major push away pre-emptively blocking me on all forms of communication (completely unnecessary, I have never had issues with boundaries and definitely not with her) without a convo when just the night before she had expressed how much she loved me and had changed her mind about being unsure if she wanted kids and I was first person she had really wanted them with. Ultimately we made major progress (and so did I on personal level with vulnerability and expressing feelings / intimacy), the bizarre behavior continued but seemed to lessen over time until her final, violent push. First part of my story is here: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1618/advice-fas-confusing-actions-breakupFast forward to now, we've been broken up for 4 months with almost no contact other than me reaching out a couple times and a couple shove away texts from her ("Fuck Off" after I sent kind, compassionate email expressing love with boundaries, and one telling me this was her final request that I never contact her again and even though she had never asked that of me in first place which I would gladly have abided. I'm DA I'm great with boundaries!!!) Last week she texted me: Hey there. Considering I've seen you 4 times in the last week, it's pretty obvious we will be running into each other frequently in our hood. If you are interested in chatting and bringing this to an amicable state I'm game. We're set to meet up on Wednesday. Overall I feel good about seeing her / speaking and I want this, and generally feel good about showing up with compassion and vulnerability while still withholding my boundaries. Having had 2 years to clearly see patterns and digging into attachment stuff (mostly my own, but also how I discovered that she's classic FA and know enough family history to verify) But I could definitely use some advice on how to handle from the forum!!! Any input here? |
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Post by da4life on Mar 11, 2019 19:40:28 GMT
Side Notes:
I know she's in therapy, she was before we ever started dating and is now. Her level of self-awareness and efforts to confront her own issues is something that I was majorly attracted to because I feel the same. After I came back to her this had seemingly disappeared completely...
It was scary to me to watch her completely dissasociate and project things onto me in-person...I didn't even know what these things were at the time but very clear to see happening real time.
Sabotaging - saw tons of this from her, nothing that is nuclear or couldn't be forgiven but showed really strange lack of judgement/self-awareness I had always known her for. Couple times we were able to actually dig into in deep conversation I realized that she truly didn't know what she was doing at the time...Helped me to understand and not see as malicious but also very scary at the same time not knowing what was still to come...
I guess what scares me most about seeing her is not knowing what type of stuff she's still holding onto (stuff clearly made up in FA mind, glad to accept responsibility for my parts) and what she'll throw at me. I have pretty good sense of what's going on with her I've watched the pattern multiple times. Seems like her reach out is due to her being triggered by seeing me (I see her every once in a while on regular basis in public, she lives down the street) and not because she's dug deep, but I don't really know where she's at considering I haven't seen or spoken to her in 4 months.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2019 23:39:55 GMT
I am finding that the healthier and more secure I become, the less I am willing to engage in dynamics based on fear and insecurity.
Looking back. I can see that the painful adult intimate relationships I have participated in were just recreations of the impossible situation I was raised and trained in.
Relationships don't need to be chaotic and unstable.
Does understanding this woman's destructive patterns make it more tolerable?
The only advice I have is don't relax your boundaries for an unhealthy person unless being unhealthy with them is what you're aiming for.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 12, 2019 0:21:09 GMT
What I would hope, is that my ex feels as much relief about the end of the relationship as I do. It seems that being involved evokes such a shitstorm of emotion and reaction in him it would be a reprieve, one he didn't ask for but was granted. I dont understand the circling back to such a mess, maybe it's easier to repeat than to begin anew. @nullified Yes, you’re probably very low on anxiety? People with anxiety can be triggered by time and space- those are my triggers, so the separation causes great distress and panic. Hijacked nervous system. It just is a horrible feeling. I haven’t felt it intensely in a long while but I do remember it’s a painful and out of control feeling. The problems that may have occurred in the relationship probably pale in comparison to that feeling of heightened anxiety. For myself, closing that time and space I realize is only a temporary “fix” however after times of stress as well as calm, if my feelings are strong for the person then I’m likely to throw myself back into that ring. Not sure why. I actually married the same man twice- and regret it. Maybe I’m a slow learner or maybe my expectations for the way I should be treated in a relationship are skewed from my upbringing. Or possibly that fear of abandonment runs deep as a driving force and clouds better judgment. |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 12, 2019 0:27:01 GMT
“I am finding that the healthier and more secure I become, the less I am willing to engage in dynamics based on fear and insecurity.”
@nullified YES!! Your above statement. That is everything right there summed up as the bottom line. I will NO longer make decisions based on fear and insecurity. I will no longer allow fear and insecurity to rule my life. Every time I make a decision based on fear and insecurity it’s the wrong one. Every. Single. Time. That’s it 👆 If all the insecures- avoidant and anxious alike can get to that point, then we’ll eventually have everything!
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Post by da4life on Mar 12, 2019 0:55:01 GMT
I am finding that the healthier and more secure I become, the less I am willing to engage in dynamics based on fear and insecurity. Looking back. I can see that the painful adult intimate relationships I have participated in were just recreations of the impossible situation I was raised and trained in. Relationships don't need to be chaotic and unstable. Does understanding this woman's destructive patterns make it more tolerable? The only advice I have is don't relax your boundaries for an unhealthy person unless being unhealthy with them is what you're aiming for. nullified - I agree that they don't need to be chaotic and unstable, being someone who loathes chaos and instability (at least consciously) its funny (but not funny) to see how ending up in them is partly because of my own attachment issues. This one in particular I took an anxious turn towards the end and following the breakup that was completely foreign to me having NEVER experienced anxiety on my side in a relationship or in general. I got this way because she had crossed one of my personal boundaries and I was highly conflicted about whether I needed to exit and even discussed with her calmly in-person. The conflict was between having a clear boundary of mine crossed but still having compassion for her and not wanting to abandon her (her biggest fear) when she was clearly in self-destruct mode. Of course after this convo she showed some self-awareness and apologized telling me I don't deserve that, obviously I know now I should have trusted my instincts and left. Good question - no, I've sought hard to understand the destructive patterns and her issues and show compassion. But at the end of the day it definitely does not make things more tolerable, I learned this the hard way ha. I've been in therapy and working on my own stuff for the past year, but being honest with myself there's still a part that is hopeful she's dug in and done the work and is showing up in a healthier place for reconciliation. I've seen enough self-awareness in her before that allows me to hold onto this thought. I guess I just have to be ready that she hasn't which is most likely the case. Good advice, appreciate your response. |
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Post by da4life on Mar 12, 2019 1:12:00 GMT
Her stated reason for meeting up is "to bring to amicable state since we'll obviously be running into each other" (duh, she lives down the street. Obviously not true reason she's reaching out she's had 4 months to request this convo I've seen her on the street many times since. )
To further define my question / input needed: Holding boundaries is a must, check. How do I handle the convo itself? Do I directly ask what she really wants? Do I attempt to dig in stuff I really want to discuss at some point? An ask to be amicable is a given, naturally I'm going to be "amicable" towards her running into randomly. But I'm definitely not up for anything other than acknowledgement of each other / polite hello at this point while I have all these issues I'd like to address. Do I state this in person?
Having been through this before and getting this poke from the side attempt at re-connection and not being direct about it even during actual conversation itself I highly doubt she'll bring anything serious up or want to discuss if I try to.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2019 2:38:56 GMT
What I would hope, is that my ex feels as much relief about the end of the relationship as I do. It seems that being involved evokes such a shitstorm of emotion and reaction in him it would be a reprieve, one he didn't ask for but was granted. I dont understand the circling back to such a mess, maybe it's easier to repeat than to begin anew. @nullified Yes, you’re probably very low on anxiety? People with anxiety can be triggered by time and space- those are my triggers, so the separation causes great distress and panic. Hijacked nervous system. It just is a horrible feeling. I haven’t felt it intensely in a long while but I do remember it’s a painful and out of control feeling. The problems that may have occurred in the relationship probably pale in comparison to that feeling of heightened anxiety. For myself, closing that time and space I realize is only a temporary “fix” however after times of stress as well as calm, if my feelings are strong for the person then I’m likely to throw myself back into that ring. Not sure why. I actually married the same man twice- and regret it. Maybe I’m a slow learner or maybe my expectations for the way I should be treated in a relationship are skewed from my upbringing. Or possibly that fear of abandonment runs deep as a driving force and clouds better judgment. Yes, I am low on anxiety. He is high, but also has the avoidance of his FA , and I've seen that plenty also. From what I can see, something that contributes to anxiety and the pursuit behavior, is ambiguity. Is this accurate? It seems like most of the anxious participants here, whether AP or FA, are unclear as to whether or not their partner has shut the door for good. There seems to be some question or uncertainty as to whether the split is permanent and irreversible. It seems as though that gives the anxious person some thread of hope to keep spinning? In this case, I left no ambiguity, and while it wasn't a hatefu, brutal break I was perfectly clear in stating my intentions. My intention is to cease all contact and go our separate ways, with no future relationship of any kind in the cards because we are no good for each other. He claims to think I am good for him and yet he is so riddled with anxiety and insecurity I believe that my presence in his life just gives him something to react to. I don't enjoy it at all, it's very unpleasant to me to encounter his shifts and instability and I expressed that candidly. So, Since I didn't leave the door open even a crack, I'm just kind of hoping avoidance will set in because of the rejection he must feel (idk for sure ? I hate to guess at this). I know as a DA if someone said they don't want a relationship with me any more I would shut down and go away. I really don't know if FA 's operate that way. All I am saying, is that I see him under a heavy burden of attachment woes and I would rather see him go avoidant than anxious over this, although it's not my business nor is it something I have influence over. I've just seen so much suffering here in anxious people I don't want to provoke it. But I have had to cut contact to take good care of myself. |
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