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Post by jlm131 on Jun 1, 2017 20:31:38 GMT
Girl I have been seeing is dismissive (mostly avoidant I believe):
She has ghosted me numerous times, sometimes as long as 3 weeks. She always reaches out saying she misses me. She tells me it's a knee jerk reaction. I take her back each time.
Questions;
1. Is the dismissive ghosting shutoff stuff uncontrollable (to an extent)?
2. Do you realize how hurtful it is to the person you are with, and/or do you care?
3. Do you respect the ones (like me) who take you back or do we seem like doormats?
4. What draws you back - compassionate reachouts from your partner, angry reachouts from your partner, a message the relationships is done, or just time and silence?
5. Same question in reverse, which type of reachout pushes you to shutdown more.
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Post by howpredictable on Jun 2, 2017 4:53:54 GMT
1. Is the dismissive ghosting shutoff stuff uncontrollable (to an extent)?Yes. It's brought on by a sense of panic and of being trapped. It creeps up and by the time the "ghosting" happens, it's full-blown and out of control. 2. Do you realize how hurtful it is to the person you are with, and/or do you care?Not concerned with how hurtful it might be, because core feeling is self-preservation. All that goes through my mind is how to get the panicky, claustrophobic feeling to stop. 3. Do you respect the ones (like me) who take you back or do we seem like doormats?This is hard to answer. You don't really get much credit either way. Avoidants like me are not particularly motivated to work hard at a relationship until it succeeds, because from experience we know that inching towards so-called "success" just means more panic and anxiety. So while I am sort of happy that some partners are willing to come back and give it another shot, my overall sense is that the mission is doomed. 4. What draws you back - compassionate reachouts from your partner, angry reachouts from your partner, a message the relationships is done, or just time and silence?The only thing that allows me to come back, is that the anxiety has subsided. It's not really anything that the other person does or doesn't do. From the list you supplied, the closest one is "time and silence" though that does not always do the trick, either. The other three are very much off the mark. It's an independent, internal process, at least for me. 5. Same question in reverse, which type of reachout pushes you to shutdown more.Clinging, pestering, calling/texting/phoning a lot, trying to guilt me, showing up unannounced. (I'm getting anxious just typing out that list.) But really, I think it would be the same for non-Avoidants too. |
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Post by jlm131 on Jun 2, 2017 15:04:02 GMT
Thanks. I guess a question I forgot is what's a reasonable amount of time for the anxiety to fade, days, weeks, or depend on person?
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Post by howpredictable on Jun 2, 2017 16:54:14 GMT
I am more Dismissive than Fearful, so mostly i never go back at all. And in any case I can't speak for your girlfriend, but there's no exact science to this. With some people, I am done for good, no amount of time makes me feel less anxious about seeing them. With others it takes me time to warm up again, it all depends. But there is no real rule of thumb or typical scenario.
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Post by learningalongtheway on Jun 7, 2017 20:11:54 GMT
Girl I have been seeing is dismissive (mostly avoidant I believe): She has ghosted me numerous times, sometimes as long as 3 weeks. She always reaches out saying she misses me. She tells me it's a knee jerk reaction. I take her back each time. Questions; 1. Is the dismissive ghosting shutoff stuff uncontrollable (to an extent)? 2. Do you realize how hurtful it is to the person you are with, and/or do you care? 3. Do you respect the ones (like me) who take you back or do we seem like doormats? 4. What draws you back - compassionate reachouts from your partner, angry reachouts from your partner, a message the relationships is done, or just time and silence? 5. Same question in reverse, which type of reachout pushes you to shutdown more. 1. I think the ghosting is controllable in a way. By the time a DA ghosts they have already tried to tolerate some behavior of yours (regardless of whether that behavior was justified). 2. I can see how it is hurtful, but no DA is witbdrawing witb the intent to be hurtful to their partner. It purely self-preservation. Although, I concede that it is difficult to judge intent. 3.I respect the ones that reach out respectfully. I know dismissive behavior is seen negatively by many, so I don't see people that stick around as doormats. I do see them as anxious. 4. Probably compassioniate reachouts. Emotion, especially anger keeps me away. Overly sappy phrases like "I cant live w/out you" make me run more b/c I feel like I will never libe up to their expectations. Time and silence might work. Anything that you would do if you felt overwhelmed is probably good. Do things that are low effort and dont require much talking ex. Movies, couples massage, sightseeing |
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Post by erasure on Aug 16, 2017 4:49:15 GMT
Thanks OP for good questions and the DA responders for your honest answers. I am going on 2+ weeks of silence or ghosting from my SO who I believe may be a DA type and I have thing stressed looking for answers and course of action I should proceed with. This does help a bit. But I'm still not certain what I should do - contact and how? No contact and wait for her to maybe reach out to me?
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Post by flower2018 on Aug 17, 2017 23:52:38 GMT
I have a question for you...why do you allow such behavior? Why are you drawn to someone who may or may not be, DA?
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Post by DearLover on Aug 25, 2017 17:58:58 GMT
I am more Dismissive than Fearful, so mostly i never go back at all. And in any case I can't speak for your girlfriend, but there's no exact science to this. With some people, I am done for good, no amount of time makes me feel less anxious about seeing them. With others it takes me time to warm up again, it all depends. But there is no real rule of thumb or typical scenario. Do you have any insights as to why some people make you more anxious than others? Is it to do with the degree of your feelings / overall compatibility / or their behaviour, their feelings? Have you ever had someone break up with you because of your dismissiveness? How you dealt with it, how did you feel? Relieved or hurt? I am asking because I am dealing with my own heartbreak from what I think was yet another Avoidant man. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2017 5:00:45 GMT
2. Do you realize how hurtful it is to the person you are with, and/or do you care?
Regarding the above question specifically, I note how glibly (as well as honestly) the responding Avoidants all answered in the negative, stating that they really don't care how hurtfully they've acted.
My reaction: That's all fine and good for the small stuff, the routine hurts in this cycle of avoidant-anxious doom, but the one you first laid on that other person, that deceptive, snakey thing you did where you love-bombed somebody and pretended initially to be someone that you're really the complete opposite of---you people need to be held accountable for that kind of stuff, and in a perfect world you would be held accountable, because that's the stuff that destroys other people's lives.
And then to state how you don't care how the other person feels:
That's the kind of stuff that flirts with narcissism and psychopathy, and to varying degrees, all Avoidants do it, especially you DAs. You people ought to come with warning labels branded into your foreheads.
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Post by howpredictable on Oct 3, 2017 13:18:43 GMT
Trinn,
I recognize you are new here, but there are several self-admitted Avoidants (both on the Dismissive and Fearful Avoidant sub-forums) who are here to understand and try to manage their own difficulties in relating. Avoidants who go around in the world, obliviously confusing and hurting people, do not tend to trouble themselves to visit or post on an Attachment forum.
(And for the record, I also self-identify as having narcissistic tendencies, having been raised in a toxic and abusive family environment that was full of Narcissists. Whatever your own family history that may have drawn you to an Avoidant, I am sure you would not trade your childhood, for mine. Trust me.)
I recognize from this post (and others of yours) that you are in a place of extreme hurt. But I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish with your confrontational post, because the Avoidant people here are likely to want to understand themselves and avoid hurting people. Plus, I would urge you to keep in mind that those who suffer from Avoidant attachment styles are the by-product of early childhood abuse and neglect.
For the record, if you are referring at all to my post above, I never said I "don't care" whether the other person was hurt. What I said was that I was "not concerned". Meaning my thoughts of the other person's hurt are not uppermost in my mind, because of the overwhelming anxiety that drowns out all other concerns, feelings and considerations. When my anxiety is triggered, I am also not "concerned" at the time, with whether I am hungry, tired, or whether I have finished a work project. The anxiety just overtakes everything. I can see where you would mis-read it, and consider it (in your words) "glib".
I am not glib about these things at all. Far from it.
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