bloom
New Member
Posts: 3
|
Post by bloom on Mar 9, 2019 20:56:01 GMT
I've met a new man, who seems pretty emotionally available and straight forward,
Everything is amazing about him... he's funny, smart, incredibly good in bed, emotionally open.. and two weeks into dating I'm looking him in the eyes and wondering what we are, he looks back and asks me, "what are we?"
I felt this knot in my gut, and I froze. I just wanted to run away. I like this guy so much that I want to literally screw the entire thing up and avoid him.
Ugh.
I hate this. When we have to have vulnerable conversations, I literally feel like my heart is gaping open.
I've really never felt this vulnerable in a relationship before... I'm so scared.
I'm just sharing my thoughts today.
|
|
|
|
Post by anapol on Mar 12, 2019 1:51:36 GMT
I'm very sorry that you're feeling this way. I can say that it's a seriously tough state to be in, even though I've never been in anything similar. But thanks for sharing. Your post helped me gain more understanding on the internal turmoil associated with the FA attachment.
|
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Mar 12, 2019 4:28:06 GMT
lol I can kind of understand. She says "I really have feelings for you" and I'm like "Why are you doing this to me, things were going so good, please stop!!"
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 14, 2019 3:01:56 GMT
lol I can kind of understand. She says "I really have feelings for you" and I'm like "Why are you doing this to me, things were going so good, please stop!!" It is because of the expectations you feel from those words? I get it...somewhat..🙂 |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Mar 14, 2019 17:16:04 GMT
lol I can kind of understand. She says "I really have feelings for you" and I'm like "Why are you doing this to me, things were going so good, please stop!!" It is because of the expectations you feel from those words? I get it...somewhat..🙂 Yeah, it is the expectations of those words and the feeling that I cannot meet those expectations and the fear of the consequences of that my failing to meet these expectations will have, either: 1. I will be abandoned because I cannot meet this persons needs 2. I will be controlled by those expectations and my life will no longer be my own. (controlled via the threat of abandonment) 3. My partner (who I obviously do care about) will suffer and potentially hurt herself because of my failing. (worried and guilty) 4. In hurting herself she will hurt me too and drag be beneath the waves like an anchor. Her neediness will overwhelm and destroy me. I must push her away from me to save myself. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Mar 14, 2019 22:09:33 GMT
It is because of the expectations you feel from those words?  I get it...somewhat..🙂 Yeah, it is the expectations of those words and the feeling that I cannot meet those expectations and the fear of the consequences of that my failing to meet these expectations will have, either: 1. I will be abandoned because I cannot meet this persons needs 2. I will be controlled by those expectations and my life will no longer be my own. (controlled via the threat of abandonment) 3. My partner (who I obviously do care about) will suffer and potentially hurt herself because of my failing. (worried and guilty) 4. In hurting herself she will hurt me too and drag be beneath the waves like an anchor. Her neediness will overwhelm and destroy me. I must push her away from me to save myself. I think you just outlined everything my ex feels. He just doesn’t verbalize it. He may not even be aware of his feelings. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2019 23:22:15 GMT
It is because of the expectations you feel from those words? I get it...somewhat..🙂 Yeah, it is the expectations of those words and the feeling that I cannot meet those expectations and the fear of the consequences of that my failing to meet these expectations will have, either: 1. I will be abandoned because I cannot meet this persons needs 2. I will be controlled by those expectations and my life will no longer be my own. (controlled via the threat of abandonment) 3. My partner (who I obviously do care about) will suffer and potentially hurt herself because of my failing. (worried and guilty) 4. In hurting herself she will hurt me too and drag be beneath the waves like an anchor. Her neediness will overwhelm and destroy me. I must push her away from me to save myself. wow. that's so much burden on yourself, and also on her. it's great that you are conscious of it though... helps you work through it better i hope. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 15, 2019 3:10:17 GMT
It is because of the expectations you feel from those words? I get it...somewhat..🙂 Yeah, it is the expectations of those words and the feeling that I cannot meet those expectations and the fear of the consequences of that my failing to meet these expectations will have, either: 1. I will be abandoned because I cannot meet this persons needs 2. I will be controlled by those expectations and my life will no longer be my own. (controlled via the threat of abandonment) 3. My partner (who I obviously do care about) will suffer and potentially hurt herself because of my failing. (worried and guilty) 4. In hurting herself she will hurt me too and drag be beneath the waves like an anchor. Her neediness will overwhelm and destroy me. I must push her away from me to save myself. I had this experience...I once told b that I did not understand why he viewed himself so poorly when I saw him as being incredibly handsome ...and he got angry and said he did not see himself the way I did and he did not need my encouragement. It hurt...really really hurt because I was trying to be loving and give him a different perspective and I know he took those words to be an obligation. I ended up apologizing...because I told him I never wanted him to feel disrespected, unloved, obligated, forced, unheard, unseen ever...I only wanted him to feel loved, respected, admired and appreciated...and here I had failed him. It is champllenging to know what brick walls one will encounter in another person. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Mar 15, 2019 4:12:48 GMT
Yeah, it is the expectations of those words and the feeling that I cannot meet those expectations and the fear of the consequences of that my failing to meet these expectations will have, either: 1. I will be abandoned because I cannot meet this persons needs 2. I will be controlled by those expectations and my life will no longer be my own. (controlled via the threat of abandonment) 3. My partner (who I obviously do care about) will suffer and potentially hurt herself because of my failing. (worried and guilty) 4. In hurting herself she will hurt me too and drag be beneath the waves like an anchor. Her neediness will overwhelm and destroy me. I must push her away from me to save myself. I had this experience...I once told b that I did not understand why he viewed himself so poorly when I saw him as being incredibly handsome ...and he got angry and said he did not see himself the way I did and he did not need my encouragement. It hurt...really really hurt because I was trying to be loving and give him a different perspective and I know he took those words to be an obligation. I ended up apologizing...because I told him I never wanted him to feel disrespected, unloved, obligated, forced, unheard, unseen ever...I only wanted him to feel loved, respected, admired and appreciated...and here I had failed him. It is champllenging to know what brick walls one will encounter in another person. Yeah, I was thinking at a conscious level talking about feelings how this can feel and why the (irrational) reaction is what it is, but non-verbal communication can have the same impact. When I tol my ex (who I have now labelled FA like me) that I thought she was smart/attractive/amazing she would tell me "I'm doubting this relationship now..." and when she using loving non-sexual touch on me I would get very uncomfortable and try to redirect it. I think for me the declarations and talking about feelings is when these thought patters REALLY come out, (I love you = terrifying), but the same thing on a much lesser level could happen on smaller levels. I was certainly not as wise as you tnr9 and did not even realize that being seen/heard as one sees themselves is an important part of the interaction, I just tried to be positive and cheer up my partner and then stopped giving compliments because it seemed to upset her. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Mar 15, 2019 7:04:01 GMT
It is because of the expectations you feel from those words?  I get it...somewhat..🙂 Yeah, it is the expectations of those words and the feeling that I cannot meet those expectations and the fear of the consequences of that my failing to meet these expectations will have, either: 1. I will be abandoned because I cannot meet this persons needs 2. I will be controlled by those expectations and my life will no longer be my own. (controlled via the threat of abandonment) 3. My partner (who I obviously do care about) will suffer and potentially hurt herself because of my failing. (worried and guilty) 4. In hurting herself she will hurt me too and drag be beneath the waves like an anchor. Her neediness will overwhelm and destroy me. I must push her away from me to save myself. As an FA I second that. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 15, 2019 11:54:20 GMT
I had this experience...I once told b that I did not understand why he viewed himself so poorly when I saw him as being incredibly handsome ...and he got angry and said he did not see himself the way I did and he did not need my encouragement. It hurt...really really hurt because I was trying to be loving and give him a different perspective and I know he took those words to be an obligation. I ended up apologizing...because I told him I never wanted him to feel disrespected, unloved, obligated, forced, unheard, unseen ever...I only wanted him to feel loved, respected, admired and appreciated...and here I had failed him. It is champllenging to know what brick walls one will encounter in another person. Yeah, I was thinking at a conscious level talking about feelings how this can feel and why the (irrational) reaction is what it is, but non-verbal communication can have the same impact. When I tol my ex (who I have now labelled FA like me) that I thought she was smart/attractive/amazing she would tell me "I'm doubting this relationship now..." and when she using loving non-sexual touch on me I would get very uncomfortable and try to redirect it. I think for me the declarations and talking about feelings is when these thought patters REALLY come out, (I love you = terrifying), but the same thing on a much lesser level could happen on smaller levels. I was certainly not as wise as you tnr9 and did not even realize that being seen/heard as one sees themselves is an important part of the interaction, I just tried to be positive and cheer up my partner and then stopped giving compliments because it seemed to upset her. I believe part of the issue with any insecure is that there is a history of words, actions meaning something that is only known to that person....as such, innocent actions and words become triggering minefields. I used to say “I love you” all the time...because (in truth) I wanted that reassurance that everything was still ok. One day B says (very insistently) we don’t have to say “I love you” so much. I joked that there had to be a middle ground between 1 I love you and a million I love you s....but at that point, I was breaking down....my insecurities were going off and I just was not able to find my way back to center. Navigating/respecting his needs while also honoring mine was one of the trickiest aspects towards the end...everything felt so “personal”. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Mar 16, 2019 17:25:16 GMT
Yeah, I was thinking at a conscious level talking about feelings how this can feel and why the (irrational) reaction is what it is, but non-verbal communication can have the same impact. When I tol my ex (who I have now labelled FA like me) that I thought she was smart/attractive/amazing she would tell me "I'm doubting this relationship now..." and when she using loving non-sexual touch on me I would get very uncomfortable and try to redirect it. I think for me the declarations and talking about feelings is when these thought patters REALLY come out, (I love you = terrifying), but the same thing on a much lesser level could happen on smaller levels. I was certainly not as wise as you tnr9 and did not even realize that being seen/heard as one sees themselves is an important part of the interaction, I just tried to be positive and cheer up my partner and then stopped giving compliments because it seemed to upset her. I believe part of the issue with any insecure is that there is a history of words, actions meaning something that is only known to that person....as such, innocent actions and words become triggering minefields. I used to say “I love you” all the time...because (in truth) I wanted that reassurance that everything was still ok. One day B says (very insistently) we don’t have to say “I love you” so much. I joked that there had to be a middle ground between 1 I love you and a million I love you s....but at that point, I was breaking down....my insecurities were going off and I just was not able to find my way back to center. Navigating/respecting his needs while also honoring mine was one of the trickiest aspects towards the end...everything felt so “personal”. I see that, I think we've covered this ground a little bit in PM, but a simpler way of putting it is, sometimes "I love you" really means "Love me back!!!!!" it's not freely given, it is a demand, and that is where the fear and anger and points 1-4 come in. Even if it doesn't mean that, FA might automatically hear that no matter what the intent. I think I barely know what love is personally, which is why I don't like using that work and then other times when I think about the word it is very painful. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Mar 16, 2019 17:28:21 GMT
Yeah, I was thinking at a conscious level talking about feelings how this can feel and why the (irrational) reaction is what it is, but non-verbal communication can have the same impact. When I tol my ex (who I have now labelled FA like me) that I thought she was smart/attractive/amazing she would tell me "I'm doubting this relationship now..." and when she using loving non-sexual touch on me I would get very uncomfortable and try to redirect it. I think for me the declarations and talking about feelings is when these thought patters REALLY come out, (I love you = terrifying), but the same thing on a much lesser level could happen on smaller levels. I was certainly not as wise as you tnr9 and did not even realize that being seen/heard as one sees themselves is an important part of the interaction, I just tried to be positive and cheer up my partner and then stopped giving compliments because it seemed to upset her. I believe part of the issue with any insecure is that there is a history of words, actions meaning something that is only known to that person....as such, innocent actions and words become triggering minefields. I used to say “I love you” all the time...because (in truth) I wanted that reassurance that everything was still ok. One day B says (very insistently) we don’t have to say “I love you” so much. I joked that there had to be a middle ground between 1 I love you and a million I love you s....but at that point, I was breaking down....my insecurities were going off and I just was not able to find my way back to center. Navigating/respecting his needs while also honoring mine was one of the trickiest aspects towards the end...everything felt so “personal”. I also agree about the minefields. Because there is so little actual communication going on between insecure parters (almost nonexistent emotional lovemaps) and so much of the "relationship" is based on varying positive and negative projections, innocent words and actions can become minefields by shattering one projection (positive) and dredging up another (negative) one. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 16, 2019 21:49:53 GMT
I believe part of the issue with any insecure is that there is a history of words, actions meaning something that is only known to that person....as such, innocent actions and words become triggering minefields. I used to say “I love you” all the time...because (in truth) I wanted that reassurance that everything was still ok. One day B says (very insistently) we don’t have to say “I love you” so much. I joked that there had to be a middle ground between 1 I love you and a million I love you s....but at that point, I was breaking down....my insecurities were going off and I just was not able to find my way back to center. Navigating/respecting his needs while also honoring mine was one of the trickiest aspects towards the end...everything felt so “personal”. I see that, I think we've covered this ground a little bit in PM, but a simpler way of putting it is, sometimes "I love you" really means "Love me back!!!!!" it's not freely given, it is a demand, and that is where the fear and anger and points 1-4 come in. Even if it doesn't mean that, FA might automatically hear that no matter what the intent. I think I barely know what love is personally, which is why I don't like using that work and then other times when I think about the word it is very painful. I agree...and I am certain B felt that and resented it....and yes..sometimes it was a demand...far more frequently than I care to admit. Of course that was pre anti anxiety medication days so I was reacting a lot more out off insecurities and neediness. Now I have a lot more capacity to let it be open to him being in a different space than me...not always...but i do have those moments which is nice. |
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Mar 18, 2019 21:52:31 GMT
This is a great thread. I have reread it several times!
|
|
