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Post by nathan on Mar 18, 2019 6:50:23 GMT
AP here trying to become more secure and hopefully get over the pull to DA. Anyway I was cut off by my ‘ex’ a DA pretty much exactly a year ago today. I don’t think all of the details are very important right now. At first every so often I would reach out and try to rekindle things, but eventually I gave up got sick of the pain and became determined to change. There are still times I miss the relationship or even become filled with anxiety, but overall I would say I’m doing better and better as time goes on. I realized it was probably better no matter what I wanted to stop reaching out, and have little to no trouble maintaining NC. Recently though pretty close to my birthday he messaged me, seemingly wanting to be friends. I didn’t even initially take this as him wanting to be together and I figured I’d made progress I could handle talking to him. He was acting clingy I have to admit I liked it, after about a week the idea crossed my mind maybe he has been trying to improve upon himself too. No sooner than I thought that he was gone again with no warning just stopped replying.
I had a brief relapse of anxiety soon enough after and checked any of his social media I could. It seemed as if he just vanished from everything for a couple days. A good part of me believes he’s involved with someone new. Regardless I’m just left wondering? Why message me at all especially for such a short time, am i convenient to meet his emotional needs? For a second I got my hopes up again, now I expect he’ll be back soon enough and I don’t know how to handle it.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2019 23:16:25 GMT
good question. is there a point in dealing with someone who thinks it's fine to pop in and out of your life whenever it suits him? is that how you want your life to be? who cares why he is doing this, the point is that he isn't around stably enough to be a real partner, or even as a friend. So who cares? the question is - what kind of attitude do you want to adopt and what do you want in your life moving forward? fix that and these things will go away.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2019 10:41:10 GMT
Here’s how to handle it: Block his ass and move on with your life and stop focusing on someone who treats you like you’re disposable and focus on loving yourself. What he’s doing and why he’s doing it, doesn’t matter.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 29, 2019 2:19:43 GMT
nathan - If you were doing better and better as time went on- as you said, I would focus on that and you have your answer. You’re better AWAY from him then you are with him. The satisfaction of being with him is short term and fleeting compared to the healing and healthy emotional state of being away from him. Look at your past year and learn from it. You know you best. You already have your answer, you just need the courage, strength and confidence to follow through. You can do this!!! 🙌🌟🌟🌟
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2019 21:08:26 GMT
AP here trying to become more secure and hopefully get over the pull to DA. Anyway I was cut off by my ‘ex’ a DA pretty much exactly a year ago today. I don’t think all of the details are very important right now. At first every so often I would reach out and try to rekindle things, but eventually I gave up got sick of the pain and became determined to change. There are still times I miss the relationship or even become filled with anxiety, but overall I would say I’m doing better and better as time goes on. I realized it was probably better no matter what I wanted to stop reaching out, and have little to no trouble maintaining NC. Recently though pretty close to my birthday he messaged me, seemingly wanting to be friends. I didn’t even initially take this as him wanting to be together and I figured I’d made progress I could handle talking to him. He was acting clingy I have to admit I liked it, after about a week the idea crossed my mind maybe he has been trying to improve upon himself too. No sooner than I thought that he was gone again with no warning just stopped replying. I had a brief relapse of anxiety soon enough after and checked any of his social media I could. It seemed as if he just vanished from everything for a couple days. A good part of me believes he’s involved with someone new. Regardless I’m just left wondering? Why message me at all especially for such a short time, am i convenient to meet his emotional needs? For a second I got my hopes up again, now I expect he’ll be back soon enough and I don’t know how to handle it. I see this is over a month old, I don't know if a reply is helpful at this point. A DA can reach out like this when their insecurities are ponged by some kind of emotional distress. So, it may be that he's involved with someone new and something triggered the dismissive form of "anxiety" which I prefer to term "insecurity" because it presents itself quite differently than the anxiety associated with AP attachment, in my experience. Or it could just be he is uninvolved and needed some soothing of his ego with some attention and responsiveness (we all have an ego, and when unhealthy, it can cause us to be selfish that way no matter the attachment style). If he's involved and reached out to you- DA "anxiety" can present as discomfort or insecurity in a relationship and instead of presenting as heart pounding anxiety and activation, it may present as distancing, negative thinking. and sabotage. I don't think it's too similar to protest behavior because it's truly a move to distance, not just to get attention or punish or express anger. It's a wall. It seems to me, as DA, that feeling insecure or vulnerable leads to distancing behavior no mater what. Reaching out to an ex is distancing behavior in a DA, it may be protest behavior in an AP. Different motivations I believe. It's not really useful to speculate, but it may be helpful to know that reaching out to an ex can be just a very unhealthy and thoughtless distraction from a current relationship distress, or it can be a way to feel less vulnerable by enacting a dismissing role. It's just unhealthy behavior, stemming from poor emotional coping skills, and it's probably best to take control of situations like this on your end and remove the connection so that you aren't a pawn in someone else's emotional acting out. All insecure styles are prone to selfish and thoughtless behavior and if you know you're a target of it, it's good to be assertive and remove yourself as a target in my opinion. |
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