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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 5, 2017 1:07:44 GMT
For avoidants who are parents-- what do you find to be some of the ways your attachment style affects who you are as a parent, and what do you do about this? I am a very affectionate and responsive parent, but I often have a constant desire to have more time on my own, to escape. I am thinking I should probably study more about "mindfulness" theories and practices to work on this.
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Post by anonymous10 on Jun 13, 2017 15:27:10 GMT
Often, avoidant parents don't like to "talk" about things. Keeping family secrets, pretending problems aren't there and ignoring uncomfortable things are very damaging to kids. You may be physically attentive and loving, you may even feign a smile to imitate certain cues, but ultimately, your emotional psyche will have an effect on your child. The best way to parent is to confront your own demons so their is no risk of your defences (we all have them) negatively impact your child. Don't forget many children though they may not seem it, are hyper aware and in tune. So even if you are 'pretending', it doesn't always work. Kids pick up on how you are with others, and they will model that. Keep that in mind  P.s. having space and wanting to escape is nothing to feel bad about. Trust me - your kid will love this about you in due course. |
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Parenting
Jun 15, 2017 6:37:25 GMT
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Post by gaynxious on Jun 15, 2017 6:37:25 GMT
Even when you think you may be attentive you might not actually be that attuned to your child's emotions and needs. Children often don't know how to express these complex thought and are reliant on their parents superior emotional intelligence to do a good deal of the work.
My father thought that telling me he was proud of me was sufficient to show he cared but deep down I felt consistently I provided for emotionally. My father never offered to inquire about my relationships with my friends or how my life at school was. And we were definitely in some sort of parental-child version of the anxious avoidant trap. My father was so consumed with finding himself after my mother died that he didn't bother to realize how his actions affected me and so I would constantly guilt trip him, embarass him in front of his friends, and openly resent him trying to get him to realize that he should want to provide for me.
I'm not saying any of this is relevant to your relationship with your children but just demonstrating that our own assessments of our relating to others is not always reliable. Also, the emotional unattunement of a parent can lead to attachment insecurity in their children. I think I was probably anxiously attached from early on. I was a total mama's boy and clung to her ever chance I got and was often angry with her when I felt my father was receiving attention or love that I was more deserving of, but I think having to be raised by an avoidant alone after she died greatly exacerbated my attachment insecurity.
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P.s. having space and wanting to escape is nothing to feel bad about. Trust me - your kid will love this about you in due course. 