rae
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Posts: 17
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Post by rae on Mar 28, 2019 19:57:07 GMT
I am a secure who unknowingly was dating a DA for 9 months. The entire relationship was great. We both treated each other very good. He did not have space issues, he texted or called multiple times a day and had no issues with saying “I love you” or talking about our future living together. In fact, he was pushing it more than I. I was completely integrated into his friends and family including his sons. He seemed so proud to be with me and be in a relationship. He bragged about it constantly.
However, he did proclaim over and over again how he needed no one and would be fine on his own. He avoided all conflict and if I tried to call him out on something, he just went silent. His response to the few disagreements we had was to give me the silent treatment for 2-3 days and then never apologize or acknowledge my feelings. If I told him that his words hurt me, there seemed to be no remorse. And, looking back, I did notice he was beginning to become critical of me in the last couple months. He also was giving me unsolicited and pushy advice on how to manage my life and friendships.
2 weeks after asking me to consider marriage, we had a rough week (due mainly to outside stressors). I said I wasn’t sure if I could be with someone who tells me that they wouldn’t miss me if I was gone. That seemed to set him off. He asked for a break and then 2 wks later after I attempted to contact him several times, he ended the relationship with a very short text stating that I was not to blame, that he tried his best but just can’t do this. I sent him a very understanding, non judgmental closure email. I have not heard back and it has been 2 weeks
He has had 3 failed marriages prior in which he claims he was the victim. He has been relatively single for 6 years and has told me numerous times that I am not like all the rest. He knows I would never hurt him. He also told me that if it didn’t work out with me, he’d never get into another relationship again. He is 54 and a pretty heavy drinker
Any thoughts on if he will ever make contact or if he’s even missing me? I will not reach out to him as I was the last to make contact with my heartfelt email. But truthfully, I am devastated. I just cannot believe how he could have been so committed and then cut it off just like that.
Anyone go thru this and what was the outcome? Can any DAs share their perspective?
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 28, 2019 23:34:15 GMT
rae - Yes, I can totally relate to this. I was with a DA and everything was also wonderful- he was expressive about his love for me, contacted me multiple times a day and would hold me in his arms for hours, expressed he always wanted me by his side. I couldn’t believe when he told me he’s usually shut down and never gave his heart to anyone- he was so open and loving to me. He also integrated me into every area of his life and pursued me harder in the beginning than I pursued him. I had no idea about the issues that lied beneath. I’ve never been loved like that before- best man I’ve ever known. Until he wasn’t....conflicts also triggered my ex. Six months in he started to doubt us after a handful of conflicts, pulled away and broke up with me a month later. I was devastated. We actually stayed together for a week after the break up- stayed at his place the whole weekend but I sent a few pressing texts early one morning the day after he said he wouldn’t be spending Thanksgiving with me. Then...the break up stuck. I got therapy at that point. The pulling way was so hurtful and at that time I was completely unaware of his dismissive avoidant attachment style and my anxious style. Like your ex, he also remains alone. Stays busy with work and his two kids when he has them. It’s been 17 months. He told me when he broke up with me that if he couldn’t make it work with me then he couldn’t make it work with anyone and he would just stay alone. When we were together he said he wished he met me sooner- he wanted to marry me. A lot of great words- his actions were great back then, as well. He had one divorce seven years ago and since then two long-term girlfriends before me who didn’t work out because he said they wanted to get married and he just wasn’t “feeling it” with them. My ex wouldn’t of had the courage to get married three times like yours, he’s much too distrustful for that. He finds ways to sabotage his relationships and happiness. He’s a very responsible, respectful person with integrity and we share great physical chemistry, however he’s not willing to step up for us. He responds to me if I reach out and will see me, but it’s different. He’s distant and emotionally shut down. He doesn’t want to talk about us or his feelings. I’ve never had a hard time getting over someone like I have with this guy. My divorce 3 years ago was easier even with children and a home to split. He recognizes there is something wrong with him, but he refuses to seek any kind of help. He’s a very intelligent and capable man- if he desired help, he’d get it. These dismissive avoidants are hard core tough- they put up protective walls of stone, don’t trust and walk away and give up easily. He said this is the first time he hasn’t moved on to someone else- I believe he has feelings for me but he’s buried them deep down so he won’t risk getting hurt again. Avoidants focus on self so it’s a lonely journey when they deactivate. I love him, but he won’t let love in. I understand where you are...
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Post by lilyg on Mar 28, 2019 23:48:00 GMT
I am so sorry you're going through this. I have not been on the same situation but I can tell you my partner pushed me away in a similar way before.
I honestly talked to him about attachment styles as I saw him in pain, telling me the same about that if it didn't wok with me he couldn't make it work with anyone. I told him that he deserved to givw himself that opportunity, even if it wasn't with me. A great man too. I didn't tell him much but recommended him to read about attachment styles when we broke up and then we went separate ways for about a month. He decided to come back and I decided to try again too.
Ultimately, it was a decision he made after he was aware of what was going on inside him. I could not have made it without wmhis awareness and growth in that sense.
With that said, I cannot tell you if he will come back, but I can tell you that focusing on yourself right know is vital for your own growth and resilence. Treat yourself with kindness, and if he comes back maybe you can talk with kindness about how you both feel and you can navigate through your fears 😊
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rae
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by rae on Mar 28, 2019 23:51:21 GMT
Thank you for sharing. It is remarkable that we have similar stories
My ex also said numerous times that he wished he met me 20 years ago.
Unlike your ex, I do not think mine will even want to keep in touch although he is frequenting places that he knows I go to (i.e clubs, concert venues, etc). Luckily I haven’t run into him yet. At this point, I’m acting the “avoidant” lol!
This hit me so hard, I had to take off work for awhile and go to weekly therapy I am trying to work on being happy with myself.
I can’t reach out to him because deep down I know that he isn’t right for me. I am an empath and would always feel lacking if I was with him.
Again I thank you for sharing. It helps me to know I’m not the only one going through this. I had just never dated a DA before so was unaware that anyone could be like this. I guess a lesson learned.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2019 0:08:42 GMT
rae, if you are an empath you may have anxious tendencies that can crop up with avoidants. That's not unusual. It's pretty amazing when you go into the different types of attachment pairings how similarly the stories tend to play out. You are not alone, and are already a secure step ahead in your situation by recognizing he can't give you what you want at this time. I'm sorry this happened, but with time and perspective, you will get through it. If he hurts enough to really look at his patterns in his failed relationships and decides to really focus on himself and change, maybe it could be different. But that's entirely out of your control and isn't the most likely outcome if he's comfortable in his avoidance. (I also wouldn't underestimate the impact that him being a "heavy drinker" has on his relationships and coping abilities. He sounds like he has a lot of demons he is avoiding. Your being empathic could also create codependency if he's an alcoholic.) It is very important you keep looking after yourself and do what's best for you at this difficult time.
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rae
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by rae on Mar 29, 2019 0:19:03 GMT
I can’t tell you how comforting your replies are to me. I have Ben feeling so last this past month. To find this forum was a godsend.
If we do ever speak again, I would like to gently inform him of the attachment styles but I’m not hopeful that he would be receptive. He feels like he is just perfect the way he is - happy to be alone and not needing anyone.
Where would I be able to learn what my attachment style is?
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 29, 2019 0:22:25 GMT
Thank you for sharing. It is remarkable that we have similar stories My ex also said numerous times that he wished he met me 20 years ago. Unlike your ex, I do not think mine will even want to keep in touch although he is frequenting places that he knows I go to (i.e clubs, concert venues, etc). Luckily I haven’t run into him yet. At this point, I’m acting the “avoidant” lol! This hit me so hard, I had to take off work for awhile and go to weekly therapy I am trying to work on being happy with myself. I can’t reach out to him because deep down I know that he isn’t right for me. I am an empath and would always feel lacking if I was with him. Again I thank you for sharing. It helps me to know I’m not the only one going through this. I had just never dated a DA before so was unaware that anyone could be like this. I guess a lesson learned. - you’re very welcome. It sounds like you’re doing well in spite of how you feel. It does get easier in time. At first it hurt me to breathe. I would cry silently in the back of my classroom while teaching. It’s so sudden the way a DA shuts off and deactivates that it’s very jarring and scarring to the loved ones they leave behind. They don’t seem to notice or intentionally try to hurt- they just look out for #1. I’m not sure why my ex wants to keep in touch- besides there’s a part of him that doesn’t want to let go? Not sure, but I know his fears outweigh his desire for us to try again. DA’s generally lack faith. They tend to be pessimistic about life- that’s why they feel most comfortable and safe relying only on themselves. Most definitely a learning experience. I also never, EVER met anyone who could shut down like this. That’s what makes it devastating. However, you’re being strong- keep doing what’s best for you. Look out for you, focus on what makes you happy outside of this relationship and love yourself most 💞 |
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 29, 2019 0:30:16 GMT
I can’t tell you how comforting your replies are to me. I have Ben feeling so last this past month. To find this forum was a godsend. If we do ever speak again, I would like to gently inform him of the attachment styles but I’m not hopeful that he would be receptive. He feels like he is just perfect the way he is - happy to be alone and not needing anyone. Where would I be able to learn what my attachment style is? - See the link above...I also tried gently telling my ex about how learning about my attachment style was a big help but he didn’t want to explore. He admits there’s something wrong with him but he’ll say, “no thanks, I’m good.” He tunes everything out. It’s hard. However, I learned and grew so much as a result of this break. Amazing growth and things I never would’ve learned if it wasn’t for this break up. Silver lining. I scored high anxious on this test w partners, strong DA w parents and secure w friends. Anxious/avoidant pairings are common- I think partially due to the fact two avoidants and two anxious are even a harder fit. Your attachment style is fluid and can shift depending on your partner- can also be altered toward secure with work and self-awareness. |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2019 0:32:25 GMT
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rae
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by rae on Mar 29, 2019 1:18:46 GMT
Thanks for the links. I took the tests and am a secure although I do believe, occasionally, I would lean towards anxious based on his behaviour.
I have already learned so much by reading about attachment styles and through this forum. And I will continue to follow and contribute when appropriate.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2019 1:25:35 GMT
8675309 may have some additionally useful comments here -- she was secure who swung anxious when she came across her first DA guy, until she learned more about attachment theory...
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 29, 2019 2:45:15 GMT
Yes, he turned me into an anxious ball! LOL I test in the 2-3% range for anxious... That went away after I learned attachment. Now im like 'whatever' about him.
Avoidant attachment can trigger the most secure people so you swinging anxious with him is 'normal' rea. It hits you like a ton of bricks... you just keep going. He has been hard to get over, over any others, he triggered me. This may be a hard one for you too.
I find it all so interesting yet devastating to so many. While such pain was caused, I learned so much more because of him though. My life has changed forever for the better.
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Post by lilyg on Mar 29, 2019 6:47:46 GMT
I'm also secure but I swinged very anxious when my partner was being avoidant  it can happen! We all have a default attachment but it varies depending on the people we relate to (I tend to be avoidant with very anxious friends or partners). All the best! You seem to be taking it really well. |
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 29, 2019 11:21:25 GMT
I'm also secure but I swinged very anxious when my partner was being avoidant it can happen! We all have a default attachment but it varies depending on the people we relate to (I tend to be avoidant with very anxious friends or partners). All the best! You seem to be taking it really well. Yup, Im more avoidant with family but very secure with partners/friends. Ive never felt insecure in any way with a partner until my avoidant. |
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rae
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by rae on Mar 29, 2019 14:45:46 GMT
I am actually not taking this very well. My stomach is in knots every morning and I feel like life will never get back to normal again. And although I know now that inevitably he would’ve let me go, I’m still finding it hard to believe and accept.
I feel so sad because if he could’ve just trusted our connection, we could have had so many more wonderful times together - not just on our own but with our children. We were actually planning a “family” trip this summer. Ugh!!
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it can happen! We all have a default attachment but it varies depending on the people we relate to (I tend to be avoidant with very anxious friends or partners).