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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 2:07:09 GMT
I am FA. I got very sick and my boyfriend (attachment style unknown) took care of me. We had already been spending a ton of time together (by anyone's standards), to the point where I was thinking it was unhealthy, but I had not been feeling very triggered, nothing I couldn't handle or that lasted very long at least. However me being sick resulted in us spending 24 hours a day together for weeks (aside from his weekly hobby which consumes a few hours). Maybe that would be enough to drive almost anyone crazy, but I felt like I lost my mind. I don't think I've experienced anything quite like this. At the height of my illness we got in an argument. He was acting passive-aggressive and I demanded we talk about what was bothering him. I don't handle it well when someone just makes little indirect snide comments or actions, sulks, withdraws affection, goes to sleep on the couch, etc. I pushed for a direct conversation. Maybe that was a mistake, but I felt I wouldn't have been able to sleep, knowing he was upset and shutting me out rather than talking to me about it. The topic of the fight was something that is very triggering for me too. I'm sure it's relevant, but I'm leaving it out for now because I worry my post will be too identifying if I go into that level of detail. Let's just say it gives me a feeling that he is trying to control me and cage me and invade my privacy [edit: to be clear this is how it makes me FEEL, please don't make assumptions that he is doing something terrible, it's something common], and I don't think hardly anyone would be fine with it, even if completely secure [edit: if Googling is anything to go by apparently many people say they would actually be fine with it, but none of my secure friends would be]. He could barely stand to look at me or be in the same room with me, and this triggered me so badly, I haven't felt "normal" about him since. .......... EDIT: At anne12 's suggestion I temporarily included details of our argument but now I'm erasing this part. Thanks and sorry for being so paranoid but some of my friends read this forum on occasion, and I worry about my boyfriend someday coming across it, and I want it to stay feeling like a safe place for me to share. .......... I started feeling more and more repulsed by him. He seemed like a different person to me, even looked different. I started to fantasize about leaving in the night, leaving all my belongings. Somehow I held my shit together enough to just go home once I was well enough to do so. I'm having trouble even beginning to explain the level and tone of the anxiety and pain and weirdness I've been feeling, it's not a familiar feeling. I have been wondering if the reading/work I've been doing on my attachment stuff has somehow made my issues worse, or if this was the inevitable result of being in the very unusual combined situation of being so ill, spending so so much time with one person, and dealing with a difficult fight? I am feeling a bit better (I haven't seen him again yet) but I'm afraid I will never feel the same as I used to (happy, safe, excited, etc) about him again and that I'll never want to have sex with him again. And the thing that terrifies me the most is the possibility of ever feeling the way I felt at the peak of this again. I remember thinking "I need to break up with him, I need to break up with him, I need to never date again, this is the worst feeling I've ever felt, being alone forever is better than ever risking this feeling, I'd rather die" and so on. Obviously this is all complicated by the illness. Being sick is very triggering to me and I was in a very bad mental state. I'm going to get sick again someday. And we are going to fight about the same topic again someday, it's not going away. Help? How can I feel normal and safe without breaking up with him? Edited to add: Also, how can I tell if this reaction is solely my FA being triggered hard, or is a valid intuition that there is something seriously unfixably wrong with this man/relationship and I should in fact get out? |
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 29, 2019 3:08:31 GMT
I dont think its all just all your attachment. Id be irritable and could become triggered in a sick state and we are up each others butt. Even an AP type that likes lots of time together would probably become irritable.
You know yourself but it could be you have become 'turned off', something changed, it happens, it happens even with secures. Its happened to me. One act can change things forever. Usually its a one of their true colors showing up. This can happen with any attachment. Even avoidants can have someone do something thats a legitimate and turns them off not their avoidance.
If this is real, then its a cause for concern for sure. "trying to control me and cage me and invade my privacy" This is not a healthy behavior.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2019 3:10:07 GMT
happyidiot, you've deactivated before in your life. You know what that's felt like, and you have since learned a lot about attachment theory. If you compare this to that (after you've taken some time to stop defensively deactivating and maybe feel better physically), does it feel the same? Like there's past baggage being triggered, that there's projections that may not have anything to do with him? Have deactivations in retrospect felt that way in the past? Or does this feel different than in the past, due to there actually being a relationship conflict? What I'm most concerned about here is aspects of codependency and what's causing it. Ie maybe he's extreme AP/FA, or has BPD or something? And possibly your own boundaries have lacked space because you were relieved to not feel triggered? But now that it's being taken to an extreme, your psyche is starting to respond?
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 4:02:17 GMT
I dont think its all just all your attachment. Id be irritable and could become triggered in a sick state and we are up each others butt. Even an AP type that likes lots of time together would probably become irritable. You know yourself but it could be you have become 'turned off', something changed, it happens, it happens even with secures. Its happened to me. One act can change things forever. Usually its a one of their true colors showing up. This can happen with any attachment. Even avoidants can have someone do something thats a legitimate and turns them off not their avoidance. If this is real, then its a cause for concern for sure. "trying to control me and cage me and invade my privacy" This is not a healthy behavior. My words were that I FEEL like he is trying to do that, that is about how I feel and is not a behavior. I realize that my being vague about the details of the argument is problematic and clouding things, but I just feel like my post is already so specific as to be identifying to anyone who knows me and reads this. But yes, I do think some of his behavior is a bit unhealthy, however I think my own behavior and the behavior of literally everyone at some point is unhealthy, so that in itself isn't justification to break up. I wasn't just irritable. I spent a ton of time with one of my friends while traveling and was sick part of the time and we got very irritable with each other. This felt very different. Do you really think it's common for secure people to be dramatically and forever turned off by one small act? When the day before they felt very in love and committed and sexually attracted and happy? What exactly happened to you, if you're willing to share? |
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 4:19:18 GMT
happyidiot , you've deactivated before in your life. You know what that's felt like, and you have since learned a lot about attachment theory. If you compare this to that (after you've taken some time to stop defensively deactivating and maybe feel better physically), does it feel the same? Like there's past baggage being triggered, that there's projections that may not have anything to do with him? Have deactivations in retrospect felt that way in the past? Or does this feel different than in the past, due to there actually being a relationship conflict? What I'm most concerned about here is aspects of codependency and what's causing it. Ie maybe he's extreme AP/FA, or has BPD or something? And possibly your own boundaries have lacked space because you were relieved to not feel triggered? But now that it's being taken to an extreme, your psyche is starting to respond? No, but the last time I had such a major deactivation was 6 years ago so it's extremely hard to accurately recall how that felt or compare them, plus the circumstances were different, although I was very sick and being taken care of and spending too much time with the person both times, and that time it was much less sudden. does it feel like there's past baggage being triggered, that there's projections that may not have anything to do with him? Yes. But isn't that the case with nearly every argument with nearly anyone? does this feel different than in the past, due to there actually being a relationship conflict? Very possible. My previous major deactivation didn't involve any conflict and was with someone I totally trusted and had been in a relationship with far far longer. Ie maybe he's extreme AP/FA, or has BPD or something? It's very hard to know what to label what is going on with him. It is definitely not BPD, I'm very familiar with BPD. I don't think he's "extreme" anything. Codependent, yes, and I'm not innocent in that dynamic. AP or FA triggered anxious, probably. |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2019 5:12:31 GMT
Do you really think it's common for secure people to be dramatically and forever turned off by one small act? When the day before they felt very in love and committed and sexually attracted and happy? Yes, if the act was a dealbreaker or massively broke trust. |
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 5:46:17 GMT
Do you really think it's common for secure people to be dramatically and forever turned off by one small act? When the day before they felt very in love and committed and sexually attracted and happy? Yes, if the act was a dealbreaker or massively broke trust. Really? I guess aside from something major like someone being violent, secure friends I've talked to tend to describe carefully thinking about things and making a rational decision to break up, even if they may still find their partner attractive, rather than instantly being repulsed and disgusted by their partner. I don't really consider "massively breaking trust" as a small act, but a "dealbreaker" could be almost anything, it could be someone saying that they never want kids, or that they like Donald Trump, or that they have a different religious belief to you, or they want an open relationship, or want to retire to France, etc. |
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Post by anne12 on Mar 29, 2019 5:58:03 GMT
Maybe you can type what happened and Wait for some answars and then delite IT again ?
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Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2019 6:23:55 GMT
Yes, if the act was a dealbreaker or massively broke trust. Really? I guess aside from something major like someone being violent, secure friends I've talked to tend to describe carefully thinking about things and making a rational decision to break up, even if they may still find their partner attractive, rather than instantly being repulsed and disgusted by their partner. I don't really consider "massively breaking trust" as a small act, but a "dealbreaker" could be almost anything, it could be someone saying that they never want kids, or that they like Donald Trump, or that they have a different religious belief to you, or they want an open relationship, or want to retire to France, etc. I mean turned off by the relationship because it's not going to meet their needs. Though the person is still going to care about the "offending" partner (unless it was a severe change in characterization of who the partner is), they may not feel comfortable enough or trusting enough to continue to stay in the space they had previously been in if new information that seriously throws the relationship into question comes to light. It's got to be something incompatible that can't be resolved, but it certainly happens. Just losing the feelings forever on a personal level sounds more like deactivation, though. |
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Post by lilyg on Mar 29, 2019 6:42:02 GMT
I think is very normal to become irritable if you have been sick and spending so much time with your partner.
I don't know exactly what happened, but if you truly feel controlled... that's something to think about. I was with a very controlling man a couple of years ago and it escalated in a really ugly way when we got serious.
But maybe is your gut reaction if you get angry or stressed with your partner. When I've discussions of something reasonable with my partner he has sometimes a feeling of me wanting to control him. Then we sit and talk through it and he says he doesn't really feel that way... it's like an autopilot when he feels stressed, he tells me, I listen, we talk, we understand. We make compromises.
So... talk to him about it. If you can't or he gets angry about it... maybe he's not where you need him to be.
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 7:06:08 GMT
Maybe you can type what happened and Wait for some answars and then delite IT again ? Good idea, I've added some details to my original post. I think is very normal to become irritable if you have been sick and spending so much time with your partner. I don't know exactly what happened, but if you truly feel controlled... that's something to think about. I was with a very controlling man a couple of years ago and it escalated in a really ugly way when we got serious. But maybe is your gut reaction if you get angry or stressed with your partner. When I've discussions of something reasonable with my partner he has sometimes a feeling of me wanting to control him. Then we sit and talk through it and he says he doesn't really feel that way... it's like an autopilot when he feels stressed, he tells me, I listen, we talk, we understand. We make compromises. So... talk to him about it. If you can't or he gets angry about it... maybe he's not where you need him to be. Maybe being irritable was normal, but it's how I felt after the argument that concerns me. I temporarily added some details, not sure if you saw that. He doesn't tell me what to do, but I feel like he's a bit controlling or manipulative in a subtle way, like there is a hidden ultimatum at times, if that makes sense? I can and will be able to talk to him about the topic of our argument more and we've already had a phonecall about it, I'm more looking for help/advice on how to recover from the horrible deactivation feelings and fears that I won't regain my attraction and love for him and how to prevent deactivating like that again. It was so so awful. I never want to feel that way again. Time apart and talking about it on here with you kind folks is helping at least. |
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Post by mrob on Mar 29, 2019 10:15:02 GMT
That particular issue of privacy has been brought up here before, and the whole range of absolutely open everything to strict privacy has been covered. For me, it starts there and ends up in joint bank accounts. Never again for me, that’s for sure.
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 29, 2019 11:09:45 GMT
Yes, I found out he was selling meth and on meth, I was disgusted and totally turned off. I mean I still had some feelings but it was over for me. It changed everything the minute I found out, that one act changed it all. Just because you've become turned off does not mean all feeling are gone but it sure changes them. Also had it happen to me when dating a guy that was controlling, when control issues started to arise it turned me off and I was so digging him. It very reasonable to get irritable with anyone when youre sick just like your friend and around each other a lot. This is one of those we are human not just attachment. Youre not imitate with your friend so it can be different feels even though its human. "does it feel like there's past baggage being triggered, that there's projections that may not have anything to do with him? Yes. But isn't that the case with nearly every argument with nearly anyone?" No its not. Not to say cant happen but no, Ive been it arguments and nothing to do with any baggage, it was just an argument, no projection.
Doing what he did with the phone thing would make me feel invaded and he does not trust me. Someone not trusting me changes things if I thought the trust was there. Lost trust is hard to come back from.
I just gather this is not all attachment and projections, some of it may be, sure, but some of this is human reactions for any attachment.
At this point just take a pause and dig into it like you are here. Youre taking steps to work through it which is a good thing.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 29, 2019 12:05:08 GMT
happyidiot - Give yourself time to recover feelings. When you are disappointed by a partner or feel invaded in some way then it’s normal to lose feelings in that moment and desire space. You’ll know in time if you’re negative feelings can subside and allow your old feelings to return. The phone felt like an invasion but maybe there are other deeper issues beneath the surface regarding trust and fidelity that are more important to address.
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Post by sissyk on Mar 29, 2019 12:29:39 GMT
As an aside....any chance your feeling and thinking caused you to have a panic attack? I have had panic and anxiety attacks over the years sometimes with no clear trigger.
When that happens physically you feel like you are under seige... the world around you can feel very dark and threatening.
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