How to have more of an earned secure attachment style?

I honestly think it comes down to actually trusting the other person and their intentions. They can and do reciprocate love and affection and do their job to respect and take care of their partner.

My attachment style is earned secure. I agree that it is about trust. It's a deep realization that you can't control anyone else, you can't make anyone love you the way you need to be loved, you have to accept people as they are and free yourself to stay or go based upon the knowledge and respect for your own needs.

What this looks like for me is: being present and responsive when you're in a good relationship, speaking up when things are going awry, repairing damage quickly, leaving without falling to pieces if you & your partner are unable to collaborate, and knowing that you'll find someone again. Also, wishing your previous loves well, even when it didn't work out.

The most secure relationship I have is with my Father (I'm very fortunate to have this relationship). My father is very secure and my mother is ANXIOUS.

For me, if the relationship reminds me of my relationship with my dad then it is secure. he and I have a very secure relationship. We talk freely, when I am upset I tell him and he is there for me. He just knows how to tell me what I need to hear without making me feel like crap yet he is very direct and honest with me. No hidden agendas or double entendre to his statements. No reason to doubt that he has my best interest in mind. Doesn't freak out if I haven't called in a few weeks but will call if he starts to worry that I haven't called in a few weeks. He is my friend but we still have as many similarities as we have differences. He listens well. With my mother he is VERY patient. He is loyal. He gets frustrated but has never once raised a had to her. He defends her when she needs it and he does little things for her to show he cares for her. He is supportive when she is sick and does his best to give her whatever she wants. He won't say no to her unless it is necessary to.

My relationship with my mother has been one of the most unstable relationships I've ever had. I love with my soul but she is dismissive, and either non emotional or over the top. She is accusatory and takes herself very seriously. She is very hard to please. And when she is being loving and attentive, in the back of your mind you are wondering "what does she want?" or " Great! how is she going to use this against me?" With my father, she love shim very much but wants all of his attention. She finds fault with much of what he does. She picks fights and is subconsciously terrified he's going to leave her (even after 50 years of marriage). She says and does little things to get him to react because in her mind any reaction is interaction, it is attention. Fighting shows the other person is engaged that they care (at least for the time being) If in the relationship the other person (or if I) start behaving like my mother then is is not a good situation and adjustments need to be made or the relationship needs to end.

The relationship that brought me to this board started out feeling very safe like I feel in my relationship with my father. That's what drew me in. I was very secure going into that relationship. Even, as distancing tactics started to creep in I was able to still act in a way that I felt safe. However when I realized that I was being pushed away and started expressing my concern and affirming my needs the final shoves were administered. Told him how I felt and gave him an out but he assured me that couldn't see a life without me. He told me he would let me know if he was intending to break up with me. So, thinking he truly loved me like he said he did, I decided to give it more time. A week later he was distancing harder than ever and he GOT me! I was triggered and he was out the door.

We all have at least one secure relationship in our lives. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship to be a good role model. Even a secure friendship can teach you a lot.

Thank you for your kind words and I do realize that. What is hard is that you can see someone's potential and you have faith you know that inside, that person has the ability to be exactly who they want to be.

I believe he wanted to be everything I needed and it pained him that he wasn't doing what he knew needed to be done. I'm simple to please but for his own reasons, it was just too overwhelming.

Hurt and hate are two different emotions. I don't hate him, I am hurt.

I love him very much, THAT is why I am doing my best to let go and move on. That's the most loving thing I know to do for him at this point in time.

I appreciate this. I do wish that I would have understood attachment styles before I met him. I think if I had I could have taken things less personally and given him the space that he said he needed. He told me he felt suffocated, I thought he meant that I was suffocating him. I was behaving securely and he saw me as the most "normal" relationship he had ever had. I believe he was falling hard and fast, in fact he mentioned having a dream where he was falling and couldn't stop it and he woke up terrified. He stated that dream as a reason he had to end things. He said he felt like he was drowning. It was his honesty about his feelings that led me to attachment styles. 

You know, I've tried to share with him everything I've learned because I know HE is miserable and wants to understand. I believe that the work to form healthy relationships is just that terrifying for him. I do believe he knew I was hurting and that was too much for him.

He told me he's not in love with me, and to be honest, I'm not in love with him in the way I believe he thinks love is supposed to feel, sparks and rainbows and sunshine all the time. But I do love him DEEPLY. But I'm not going to have hearts in my eyes when I talk about uprooting my life , moving across country, finding a new job, making new friends, and learning to live and care for a person with a major disability. 

He's not infatuated with me, but I do believe he loves me. But its his choice if he wants to be with me or not and he is clear on what is required to do that and he doesn't want to do the work. So there it is.

I've said it on other posts too, it all comes down to choices, doesn't it. Some of those choices are very difficult to make.

Sorry, I kind of went all off topic there. HAHAHA!

Lucky, I'm happy you are one of the ones who is willing to introspective. I have a lot of respect for that. Being honest with ourselves is the hardest honesty of all.