Questions for other DAs

I'm not a DA but my father is and I know that for the most part he and my mother had a very good relationship. My mother was a secure, although she did confess some things to me that now make me think at times my dad did make her anxious but she likely had enough internal security and self esteem where she retained her secure attachment. My father certainly had strong romantic feelings for my mother, he often described their relationship as 'story book' and was very grateful to have her. He dated quite a few anxious women before her and one after that gave him a pretty negative view of relationships.
I also know that some 'research' that I have never found but is often mentioned shows that avoidant-secure relationships are just as satisfying as secure-secure relationships. (I suspect there may be some selection bias, i.e. Avoidant - secure couples need to be somewhat successful just to last long enough to be captured by studies, etc)
I have had trouble reconciling these findings with jeb's showing the population skews avoidant quickly as you get older.
But from listening to a few self aware avoidants on here I think we can glean a few things.
Avoidants must avoid anxious partners just as much as anxious must avoid avoidants. We are just not good for each other.
Avoidant's must be aware of their triggers and at times do things for the relationship even if they don't want to.
Avoidants must try to communicate effectively and tactfully their needs.

I'd also say that like anxious people you should be upfront about your needs. Even if it weeds out desirable partners, it likely also weeds out partners that would be unhappy with you. My father cites my mothers ability to be comfortable sitting quietly for a long time in seperate rooms. You may need the same or similar in a partner.

However, it is totally legitimate for a DA, or anyone really, to find relationships are not worth the work. All relationships require effort some less than others but some people may just never feel like they get more than they put in. That's an individual calculation.
Best of luck!

Though you are admittedly avoidant, I feel that you may not be having an open enough mind with the right kind of secure people. I admit I lean on the secure/anxious type myself but my ex girlfriend whom is fearful avoidant have become best of friends and she's been able to establish value in trusting me and communicating her feelings much better. She still feels "horrible at relationships" but I've encouraged her to be open and free with me and it's taught her that you can see the world differently even with avoidant attachments and slowly learn how to feel more stable while still feeling the comfort of security. The only thing I wish had happened with my fearful avoidant ex was that she just communicated her feelings a little more so I knew when things were bottling up inside. It also didn't help that she felt that simple mundane things like going to the grocery store was something that couldn't be shared for fear of losing independence. The point I'm trying to make is that my experiences in dating a few avoidants is that they are usually wonderful people but just take a while to be able to communicate with you. They are amazingly in the beginning and once they feel pressures from the relationship they start to become their avoidant selves.

i actually hear men complain about anxious women a lot. Over bearing, controlling, needy, etc. I would think many might find an avoidant appealing as they would have more freedom and fewer expectations. But perhaps because it is less common an avoidant woman may seem cold and like they don't care.

I would think for straight couples it would be easier to negotiate time apart because you already have the socially acceptable girls night and guys night. Also, more options of destinations for each to make 'their place'.

My ex used to just need a lot of alone time and once that was communicated, I didn't like it but I became less bothered by it. But before it was communicated it really hurt my feelings. I think communicating without tact is still better than not communicating.

If it's apart time you need maybe develop some hobbies and don't specifically go after men that pursue those hobbies. I found it way easier to be apart from my ex when he was doing things I didn't enjoy, i.e. politics or documentaries. It felt less like he was trying to get away from me and more like I was choosing not to be with him because I didn't want to be there.

Unfortunately, as an anxious, at some level there was no correct way for him to express his needs to me. The way he felt about me was not the way I wanted a partner to feel about me. The way he felt about me was why we shouldn't have been together. But maybe if we had communicated more we would have figured that out sooner and much less painfully. But maybe with a secure partner there won't be those feelings or maybe those feelings would be ok.
Sadly, as much as I admire some of the avoidants here and as much insight as I have gained through reading, I feel I can never understand the avoidant's world fully and therefore my empathy and ability to relate is limited. Maybe another avoidant could help me tackling this communication issue?

Hey Sam,

I guess I meant in the present with your knowledge of attachment theory and all. My ex I think got closer to me partly because she didn't have to feel like she was living to a high standard of commitment she felt suffocated by and felt inadequate by somehow. However from our discussions is seems that she's gotten closer to me because I've stuck around and was willing to be her close friend after she ended things. In her experience once things end she would just accept no more contact or the other person would hate her and become an enemy. It's almost like I passed some kind of initiation or something in her world lol. I think it's easier for me to be friends with her since she doesn't like to date and she said she just won't be able to do it for the very long foreseeable future. So there isn't another guy in the pic. I however have gone on a few dates and she seems like she doesn't care but she is apparently very afraid of me committing to someone else for fear that she will no longer have the closeness we have. Sometimes I wonder if it's just the only type of relationship she can actually handle. She was married before but it ended after the guy cheated on her because he felt she was always so distant and felt unloved. Since her avoidant tendencies come across to people that are close to her like she is hiding something or keeping something from you she's actually very loyal! I think those tendencies are to keep up a sense of independence. I find it funny when I catch her hiding the tiniest details like that she stopped at Starbucks on her way home from work but told me she just went straight home... I later go into Starbucks and the barista that knows us both kindly says he saw her there earlier and asked if I wasn't bribing her "another one of the usual today". Things like that I think are bizarre but are apparently normal to a lot of avoidants i have met. Combine this with her undying sense of inadequacy and low stress tolerance and she can be a total mess bordering on mean and sometimes verbally/emotionally abusive. It's interesting because she craves connection and closeness but hates how she feels when she gets it. There's nothing wrong with being an avoidant in my opinion but it just seems many avoidants are somewhat tortured souls once you really get to know them. Maybe that's more of the fearful avoidant types but I've also noticed that fearful avoidants can become dismissive avoidants when they feel suffocated.

Ultimately I guess I'd like to encourage you to possibly not just assume that you as an avoidant have to do the world justice by being alone unless you absolutely want to. I can see how feeling like dating is a struggle because you feel you aren't good at it but maybe do you honestly
Think you've put in as much effort to making a change as possible to maybe become more secure with who you are and how you feel about others in terms of closeness? I often wonder if it's sometimes as simple of an approach as "practice makes perfect"?