Avoidant patterns in Friendships and with family...??

You know, I have thought the same that maybe this is similar to what an avoidant partner could be feeling like - because to be honest, I can see how my demeanour with my friends could sometimes come off as me not giving a poo about them and not valuing their presence in my life, even though that is not true. And actually, after several weeks of not speaking to a friend and not making much effort to connect, I somehow sense their pulling away from me (understandably) and this is when I remember that, "hey, actually, I really do care about you and I want you in my life, please don't cut me off!!" kind of panic moment. 
I remember as a teenager feeling so overwhelmed with scheduling and planning meet ups with my best friends, yet would feel so alone and utterly miserable and sad if I sensed them pulling away from me - I wanted connection, I wanted that warm feeling of friendship and love, yet- I felt I could only tolerate it on my terms, in small doses. Very interesting indeed!

I also dread phone calls, I much rather text here and there but to be PRESENT for a call, to be that open and vulnerable and put on the spot - is still a little daunting to me. Many texts and emails might go unanswered, not because I don't care but because... it seems so burdensome and sometimes plainly overwhelming... this is how I can put it.

I am now consciously working on my patterns and peeling away layer after layer, truthfully looking at MY hurts, fears, wounds etc - and I am making effort to be more present in my friends lives.

But is is curious and interesting to me how we can display one pattern with romantic partners, and another with friends / family. I wonder if more people will chime in, as I find this very interesting and also somewhat enlightening. 

You know, I wonder if it has to do with ... in my case, I did not have a good or healthy and stable relationship with my father growing up, as he was emotionally absent and not invested and we never formed that bond, even now I do not feel a strong connection to him but he is just kind of - another man to me, even though I do love and care for him.
So, I am thinking that maybe I am re-enacting this dynamic with the male partners in my life -trying to be good enough for him, to extract that feeling of being loved, wanted, appreciated, safe.. from him by trying to act in a way that would produce that result (of course, this is the little girl in me, not the grown, conscious woman!).

I just found this curious that I am displaying such different and almost opposite behaviour with my male partners than with friends and family. And it would make sense that the old patterns between me as the girl and my dad as the absent, not fully invested and present male, would repeat itself until I can bring more and more awareness to the pattern within MYSELF and heal these from within myself - so, not focussing on why a man does not seem to want me, be present for me in the way I like and need, etc etc but recognising my own role in this dance, recognising my hurts and traumas as the litte girl, and healing them and replacing them with more healthy behaviours as a grown, more conscious woman.

Hope this makes sense... English is not my mother language, I am from Germany :-)

This is why I prefer relationships with "becoming healthy" avoidants or secures. Imagine just being you, in your own skin, and getting the AP protest behavior from your friends and family. Do you ever experience that? It's kind of dehumanizing in my opinion, lots of negative projections and accusations.  It's damaging.  I know damage goes both ways but this topic is addressing the presence of avoidance in people who identify as AP in some areas- so it is enlightening in some ways I am sure.   I'm not saying that avoidant behavior is healthy but if it's your natural attachment style it's much healthier to be around people who are not predisposed to taking it personally or being negatively impacted by it. All of the growth and change is. process and best supported by people who can empathize consistently and not try to force change or compliance with their own preferences.

I have been avoidant in all relationships most of my life but my close relationships are not impacted by attachment style any longer. I am able to be me and still maintain deep connections that are intimate and meaningful both ways. They are just comfortable and not threatened by time and space. Not everyone can thrive that way so it's good to know what is best for you, and to let others decide what is best for them.

I'm not currently in a romantic relationship and will probably focus on other things for the near future. When I do meet someone with mutual interest, I know that I am able to be committed and emotionally available but I still do best with space around me to just be myself, being a lone entity is not necessarily lonely to me, and there is even a spiritual aspect to it that is validated by many faiths and philosophies. I would rather have no partner than a partner who cannot be happy with and appreciate that about me. It's not that I can't compromise but I'm not going to morph into what someone else wants me to be.

Those who can recognize their own natures as more independent and less needful of constant engagement in non romantic relationships might be able to see that there is a wide range of "healthy enough and workable" between the two polar ends of the attachment spectrum. There is a lot of gray area and individual circumstances involved.

I think you're right here.  All the insecure styles avoid intimacy, just with different tactics and resultant internal outcomes. 

kranichangel you are well on your way. When things start clicking for you like this it gets much easier, in my experience, to bring about real change for yourself. I don't see this all as shameful stuff, more like being able to see "Hey, this is how I get myself into pain and this is how I can get out.". Understanding these things gives you freedom and power to chose.

tnr9 I'd be interested in hearing more about this idea of your mother and her boundaries, and your recognizing they are good and necessary.
I have similar struggles with family members. It's been a long path towards accepting that their boundaries are stricter than mine, especially if that means I don't always get what I wish I could out of the relationship (like in some ways I feel I can't be real).

Like more about it...not to get too personal. But what's an example of a boundary she has that was hard to accept, then you did, and you saw some good in it?