Post by ani on May 1, 2019 5:58:44 GMT
The forum listing page says to put discussions about narcissists in the DA section, so I'm sticking it here. I'm very aware that most DAs are not narcissists. I'm in need of some input on the following situation:
My sister (possibly FA) and I (a woman, FA and working on it, quite successfully) were raised with an abusive narcissist father and a kind mother (she is secure today but I don't know about when she was young). My only real complaint about my mother was that she did not protect us/take us away from our abusive father, which I have compassion for and believed I understood and had made my peace with (although recently I'm not so certain). She did leave him eventually, but after we were grown.
My sister is now in a serious long-term relationship with a man who is a (mentally/emotionally, never physically) abusive narcissist. I've been trying to increase/improve my support for her. She and her "partner" (it kind of disgusts me to use that word for him but I'll do it just for ease in talking about it) live quite far away from the rest of our family and we spend vacations visiting her and have done that for a long time. My boyfriend (attachment type unknown but he seems pretty secure) and I are not seeing eye to eye on a particular aspect of the topic of the best way to support my sister, foster her self-worth and help her to realize it is possible to leave her relationship. The difference is that he sees it as harmful that our family goes to visit my sister and her partner and act cordial towards him. He is not willing to come. He thinks it would be helpful to my sister if I refused to go. He thinks it would model strength and that it won't backfire if I explain to her lovingly why I am doing it. He believes that spending time around her partner is condoning his behavior, sending my sister mixed messages and reinforcing her identity/worth as being linked to the place they live. There is a more to his argument but I don't want to make you read a novel.
My fears about this approach are as follows: that it might cause a ton of drama within our family, that it might make my sister feel very hurt and abandoned or like I am against her, that she might regret sharing details of the abuse with me and fear that she has painted a very biased picture and go into a mode of defending him, that he might use it to his advantage to drive a wedge between my sister and I, that my whole family might think I'm being awful and crazy, and that basically it might do way more harm than good and potentially be more harmful than me going to visit my sister could ever be.
My reasoning behind these fears and disagreeing with my boyfriend is that I have relevant personal experience, as someone who, when I was younger, was in a relationship with a similar abusive narcissist man AND LEFT and would never tolerate anything like that again, and also that I've done a bit of research on it and what I read seemed to caution against doing things that could isolate the abused person further and be perceived as you being against them or discourage them from confiding in you. My boyfriend said that, just like I disagree with some aspects of my mom's approach to my sister's situation and feel that my mom is a bit blinded by being abused herself for so many years, that that's how he feels about my thoughts on continuing to visit my sister and her partner, basically that it is accepting and normalizing the abuse and that while I (and my mom) may mean well it is actually hurting.
So, I've come to the internet for other opinions. I am willing to change my stance on this issue. My boyfriend has just not given me convincing reasons to yet, other than this is what he strongly thinks would be best. And if anyone knows any good websites or resources I'd appreciate that as well. Thanks so much in advance.
Am I normalizing abuse because I was abused as a child?
Or am I possibly actually doing the opposite and viewing my sister's partner as worse than he is because I was abused as a child?
Would refusing to visit my sister's home actually be supportive and helpful?
My sister (possibly FA) and I (a woman, FA and working on it, quite successfully) were raised with an abusive narcissist father and a kind mother (she is secure today but I don't know about when she was young). My only real complaint about my mother was that she did not protect us/take us away from our abusive father, which I have compassion for and believed I understood and had made my peace with (although recently I'm not so certain). She did leave him eventually, but after we were grown.
My sister is now in a serious long-term relationship with a man who is a (mentally/emotionally, never physically) abusive narcissist. I've been trying to increase/improve my support for her. She and her "partner" (it kind of disgusts me to use that word for him but I'll do it just for ease in talking about it) live quite far away from the rest of our family and we spend vacations visiting her and have done that for a long time. My boyfriend (attachment type unknown but he seems pretty secure) and I are not seeing eye to eye on a particular aspect of the topic of the best way to support my sister, foster her self-worth and help her to realize it is possible to leave her relationship. The difference is that he sees it as harmful that our family goes to visit my sister and her partner and act cordial towards him. He is not willing to come. He thinks it would be helpful to my sister if I refused to go. He thinks it would model strength and that it won't backfire if I explain to her lovingly why I am doing it. He believes that spending time around her partner is condoning his behavior, sending my sister mixed messages and reinforcing her identity/worth as being linked to the place they live. There is a more to his argument but I don't want to make you read a novel.
My fears about this approach are as follows: that it might cause a ton of drama within our family, that it might make my sister feel very hurt and abandoned or like I am against her, that she might regret sharing details of the abuse with me and fear that she has painted a very biased picture and go into a mode of defending him, that he might use it to his advantage to drive a wedge between my sister and I, that my whole family might think I'm being awful and crazy, and that basically it might do way more harm than good and potentially be more harmful than me going to visit my sister could ever be.
My reasoning behind these fears and disagreeing with my boyfriend is that I have relevant personal experience, as someone who, when I was younger, was in a relationship with a similar abusive narcissist man AND LEFT and would never tolerate anything like that again, and also that I've done a bit of research on it and what I read seemed to caution against doing things that could isolate the abused person further and be perceived as you being against them or discourage them from confiding in you. My boyfriend said that, just like I disagree with some aspects of my mom's approach to my sister's situation and feel that my mom is a bit blinded by being abused herself for so many years, that that's how he feels about my thoughts on continuing to visit my sister and her partner, basically that it is accepting and normalizing the abuse and that while I (and my mom) may mean well it is actually hurting.
So, I've come to the internet for other opinions. I am willing to change my stance on this issue. My boyfriend has just not given me convincing reasons to yet, other than this is what he strongly thinks would be best. And if anyone knows any good websites or resources I'd appreciate that as well. Thanks so much in advance.
Am I normalizing abuse because I was abused as a child?
Or am I possibly actually doing the opposite and viewing my sister's partner as worse than he is because I was abused as a child?
Would refusing to visit my sister's home actually be supportive and helpful?
