So Stuck!

I hear you - staying where you are is safe - it's limbo, it's an avoidance of having to have real closeness with another person who will ask the same of you.

I also totally get it that a "normal" relationship feels all too much - but I do think that there is space for many many types of connection and that this doesn't preclude real intimacy and connection.

Maybe the key to healing starts with being able to experience and be with your own feelings - so that you can be with fear, learn to be compassionate towards yourself and learn to observe your own reactivity rather than being caught up in it. blacksnow2 has been working on this with some success. It is a really horrible place to be - but it's not a life sentence.

My path has involved cultivated self compassion - and I am now less and less willing to put myself in harms way and more inclined to notice and listen to my own feelings with kindness and better able to connect with other people.

Thanks Ocarina. It's just good to know that anyone would understand this mess. I try.. I try to convince myself that this situation is bad for me but its like an addiction. I spent these months of our break up afraid to even talk to him, pushing him away and not being nice because I didnt trust myself to not get reeled back in. Them he'd stop and Id miss him and feel so much sadness. Even though it was more drama & pain filled than pleasant. Thanks for your advice.. I definitely need to figure out how to better take care and protect and at the same time risk vulnerability. I appreciate your input!

He sounds pathologically manipulative, dishonest, and mean. Do you have a historical experience with someone who makes you feel the way he does? There may some kind of powerlessness entwined with hope operating in you, being reinforced by this man. If you can get to the bottom of what unresolved scenario (family of origin) he is triggering , if there is one, you will be able to identify the role this puts you in and how it totally removes your healthier volitions.

To claim to be with someone you're not with, is kinda crazy and manipulative and dishonest no matter what your reasons are. He might even say it just knowing it will get back to you and punch you in the chest, since he's treated you like crap and you're not together.... just a little game at your expense, perhaps. Maybe it's gaslighting.

Post pics with other women? And making all the contradictory statements? Crazy making. Or we could simply say, rude as hell and extremely disrespectful. And.... come on.... probably thought out for it's impact. Who even does this?

Anyway, you probably know where I'm going. Sounds way beyond some DA dynamic and into the realm of narcissistic abuse.

I hope you find a way to rid yourself emotionally of this vampire!

I don't think it's ridiculous or unexplainable, because I don't think it's about him, I think it's about what he triggers. I would say it's likely that he just triggers wounds in you that aren't healed. So for instance- he hurts you, you feel wounded, you keep coming back hoping for a better outcome to fix it, fix the pain, erase the negative belief about yourself that gets triggered by his hurtful behavior . If your self talk is negative because of his actions, then it would improve with his improved behavior, which is what you might hold out for.

So if there is a part of you that believes you are not worthy of love, respect, and being seen as important, then when someone treats you without love, respect, and as if you are not important, the wound is activated and the unconscious takes over. Instead of being able to believe and show yourself that you are worthy of love, respect, and you are important, because you don't know HoW, you may need to keep looking for him to realize it, correct his ways, and finally validate for you that you are worthy of love, respect, and that you are important.

This is how it makes sense to me. You don't return to him because you believe he will keep invalidating you, you return to him because you need him to fix this and validate you. Maybe the hope is that he will finally change and that would fix all this. He has that power, in your mind, because he had the power to activate your wounds and insecurities . They are always there until you heal them but he came and put a face on it all. His face.

So, it would seem that the gentlest thing you could do for yourself is to come out of the unconscious triggered attachment to him, and see that he in fact is incapable of validating you, he is just the face of your biggest wounds and fears. It is an act of loving yourself and believing you are worthy to leave him. It is an act of validating your worth to stay away, but it's hard because maybe you aren't quite convinced and haven't quite removed his power from him.

The way I see it, the more gentle and loving and powerful you are for yourself , the less power he will have. It means dispelling the mystery and confusion for yourself, recognizing that he is a product of your shadow beliefs, and shining the light on it all.

It also means, every good thing you think about him, that you are drawn to, you need to find in yourself. There surely are things you attribute to him, positive things? Those are also in you and if you own them and claim them you won't need to project them onto him and try to get them that way.

Maybe I am missing the mark, I am just sharing how I see it. Im not trying to tell you how it is, definitely, but to give a perspective that might be helpful in untangling the ties that bind you to him.

@sherry its so complicated as we all know. Your perspective is very valid and rings true in many ways. I definitely felt invalidated. The relationship was not always fulfilling, but when it was it was such a beautiful thing. I think what I got most out of it was not so much feeling loved (at times) but that I was capable of giving it and I have throughout my life felt incapable of feeling much love for my partners. I know what it feels like to be loved and cared for but I always felt like I was going through the motions and faking my way through in returning the gestures.

I felt enough. And at the same time was confortable with the space and it was a compromise I was willing to make until the signs of other women started to appear and it didn't feel good anymore. I'm doing ok though and we've been talking not about anything important or getting back together. It may not be a great idea but its taken the pressure off of missing him. And I told him I'm ready to let go and open to seeing other people if someone sparks my interest in doing so. Which is a half truth because I'm not really ready for someone new but it makes me feel free and less attached just saying it..lol.