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Post by alexandra on Nov 27, 2019 19:13:55 GMT
Apparently good self esteem is the antidote to manipulative and toxic people. Without that, there is no strategy so I fall back onto psychoanalysis. This usually happens when I'm in vulnerable situations, usually new environments, where self esteem temporarily takes a back seat. It is, but if you're in a situation in which you're feeling abnormally insecure, a way to "fake" security a bit to stay stronger until you build it back up is to practice depersonalizing whatever the toxic person is doing towards you. There can be some analysis in that, but you start by assuming their behavior is about them not about you, and then you cut yourself off there before ruminating about all the other what ifs. Because if they are actually toxic / manipulative, it's almost certainly true that whatever is happening is actually about them and not you anyway. |
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Post by blacksnow2 on Nov 29, 2019 4:04:10 GMT
alexandra , that's a good point. I recall having to do that once and it took all of my will to step out of it instead of participate and be a 'victim' (although technically I was a victim). After that, it becomes automatic behavior. However, I'd still consider that a secure type of behavior, no? I think being secure includes the ability to separate yourself from another.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 29, 2019 6:59:55 GMT
blacksnow2, yes, it is secure, but I'm calling it "faking" it (until you make it) because your inclination may still be to get triggered and overanalyze. But it's training yourself to start the analysis with, it's them not me, and then just stopping there. Building the self-esteem up eventually will allow you to bypass the overanalysis to begin with. But it's a step you can try before that self-esteem is in place.
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Post by blacksnow2 on Dec 1, 2019 1:33:51 GMT
You're right. Thank you.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 1, 2019 3:32:12 GMT
blacksnow2 , yes, it is secure, but I'm calling it "faking" it (until you make it) because your inclination may still be to get triggered and overanalyze. But it's training yourself to start the analysis with, it's them not me, and then just stopping there. Building the self-esteem up eventually will allow you to bypass the overanalysis to begin with. But it's a step you can try before that self-esteem is in place. Seems better than still just "reacting" which is the true problem. Instead of sitting and talking in a calm as possible manner to resolve an emotional issue Yeah, but we're specifically referring to a context of manipulative or toxic (ie abusive) people, and you generally can't resolve conflict by talking calmly. Possibly defuse it that way in the short term, depending on how irrational they are, but better to know how to protect yourself in these more extreme cases. |
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