|
|
Post by mrcamper on Jan 9, 2016 5:32:15 GMT
I just signed up and this is my first post. I'm the husband and wife must be a dismissive avoidant. I have been through unimaginable pain, more than I could have thought possible. Married 12 years, have 3 awesome young children.
Just a year ago I found a site called healmylife that talked about APD (I had never heard of it). About how the Avoidant will crush the spirit and identity of their partner, the partner won't know what is happening, and will be angry and depressed.
I want to say I was a secure person but honestly leaned towards anxious. I've been very open with her about everything and have always felt Is this all there is to her? Is she opening up to me? Is this how (not) deep her waters run?
In the midst of our 3rd marriage counselor and my pouring my heart out to the point of tears.......every point I was making was being turned around. Facts, not subjective/emotional things. Driving home alone, wow....I was yelling It's not me!
Now, a year of begging, pleading for minimum amounts of connection, of demanding we lay in bed together for 10 minutes, things like that.....I've learned a lot about myself and her. I CANNOT figure out what trauma in her childhood caused this. It's not there, but I have a clue. I've also learned, when I've gotten strong enough to stand up for myself and my well-being, and gone away a few days....that she is incredibly scared of being abandoned. How can this be? Days of ignoring me, I'm there asking and begging for HER and just nothing, no 'affect'.
Doing a lot of praying. I keep thinking about the power play of it all...
|
|
|
|
Post by makemineamac on Jan 13, 2016 23:12:01 GMT
Sorry you've gone through this. It is troubling, and a sort of relief when you have this realization. Be thankful for that. There are those that will never understand what happened to them or is happening to them. Your eyes should be wide open now. I wish you well.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrcamper on Mar 2, 2016 5:11:32 GMT
OK. Wow. I just got huge news from her. About 3 weeks ago she confessed to major childhood trauma. In a weird church of all things. Her entire childhood no Christmas or birthday celebrations. Married 12 years.
I've gotten over the shock of it somewhat.... And see its more of her Mom's cold distant aloof personality that affected her more. But I'm still blown away by this.
The fact that I knew something was wrong... That I initiated 5 marriage counselors and tried everything as I went into depression.... And she still kept this hidden.... And she LET ME go down.
I'm getting my emotions under control more. And seeing things as they are. Her contempt for me. The lost confidence. The startling lack of empathy.
It's funny.... She can't see it. She's unable to see the damage. That her child inside was never allowed to feel or express....
|
|
|
|
Post by mrcamper on Mar 2, 2016 5:19:16 GMT
She also is showing little remorse. She apologizes for not telling me 12 years ago. With no tears.
But she cannot connect it with how shes been as a aloof distant wife the last 6 to 8 years. It's amazing... In a very real heart wrenching way.
.......
I just read the Avoidant book. It explained so much. Big thanks for putting that together and all of the links to studies and findings. It made me so much more aware of how a spouse should be.
I don't want to say anything negative about the book but as a GUY there was very little mention of our situation where the WIFE IS AVOIDANT.
Just. Wow. I can slowly understand a little why she chooses to argue for 3 hours instead of having lunch occasionally. Or just laying in bed or on he couch for 10 minutes.
All of the times where we have a normal close intimate moment and then she runs for the hills for 3 days. Maybe I'm not the crazy one after all.
|
|
|
|
Post by makemineamac on Mar 10, 2016 20:29:39 GMT
You're not. As a guy I saw all of these behaviours and complete lack of empathy in my partner. I am so glad I am out, I still have to interact with here, and now I am astonished I wasn't more aware.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrcamper on Mar 11, 2016 4:42:53 GMT
I just had a thought hit me that really made a lot of sense. This felt like it was groundbreaking to me but it also seems very simple. What is the very best thing about marriage? You know when you're single and, by yourself Indian meet somebody and you get married and start building a home. What is the very best thing?
.
.
.
Someone there that has your back. That's there for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrcamper on Mar 15, 2016 16:47:59 GMT
Well, we are separated now. Another fight and it progressed to me wanting a divorce. She said she wants to fight the divorce, that "she won't let me throw our marriage away".
Since then, 5 days ago, she won't talk to me, is very pissed, won't see me, and won't let me in the house. Just to document it since she can't kick me out of our marital home I called the police and had the incident documented. I just wanted to brush my teeth, talk or no talk whatever, and go to be in daughters bunk bed.
She met me on the porch! "you are not coming in the house!".
I would have thought she'd be really trying and really trying to reach out to me.
But we both do need the space and breathing room and I'm still involved getting kids after school and ice cream and homework and laughs and dropping them off in the driveway.
|
|
katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147 
|
Post by katy on Mar 17, 2016 5:26:15 GMT
Do you have an attorney? A good divorce attorney will have seen everything and can help you to sort things out and make sure that you and the kids are OK. Don't forget, you've been married to somebody who has very strange, illogical reactions and you are now forcing a very new reality on her. She may begin to act even more irrationally.
BTW, it certainly sounds as though you are doing the best thing. I divorced my avoidant first husband and it was tough for a while, but it all worked out for the best in the end. I hope things work out for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrcamper on Mar 26, 2016 13:04:41 GMT
God help me. We are finally in the divorce process. I want out. this is killing me. I just want a clean simple divorce with the least 'crap' for the kids. I'm rapidly working on the rental house 2 miles away to move in there and start a PEACEFUL HAPPY HOME for me and the kids.
Things are getting bad. I've had to call police. She kicked me out of the house I purchased. She cleaned out my BR closet. Just lost 6 church friends in our Care group. Separated 2 weeks and she won't see me or talk to me. Kids asking questions and are confused and she won't see me to have THE TALK together as a couple. She wants to fight my call for divorce but won't talk. She finally agreed to meet at a coffee place yesterday morning at 11am. I'm so happy....finally and carefully talk about parenting plans. I get there and am standing in line. Tap on the shoulder. I turn around and a lady hands me a big yellow envelope. I got served with divorce papers! Un-friggen-believable!.
At this point I need to stop posting. I have a good lawyer and am going to see a good counselor next week. I'm maintaining contact with her via text and email but just on parenting issues.
Everyone, please post some words of encouragement if you want. I'll be back, in viewing mode only. And lots of prayers. God has this and is really carrying me right now. I'll try to update down the road one day.
|
|
katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147
|
Post by katy on Mar 26, 2016 15:13:30 GMT
I had an insane divorce from an avoidant / narcissist - slashed screens, threatening phone calls, poisoned valentine candy, being stalked, a gun pointed at me through his car window as he was trying to run me and my passenger off the road.
Some hints:
I always acted like a lady - I never took any revengeful or angry actions. This is very important because if you need to go to court, the judge needs to see exactly who is the insane one.
I never demanded any material goods - I let him win those battles. All I wanted was my cats so that I knew that they wouldn't be neglected or abused by him.
I'd ask your attorney if all substantial communications should be limited to e-mail in case they ever have to be used in court. Text messages are much harder to document.
Remember she or a detective could be recording or video-taping all of your actions. I would let your attorney do all of the verbal contacts with her attorney and I wouldn't date until this is over. I would also be very aware of anything that could be used in court against you.
Think about a restraining order. You know you won't do anything, but you'd have more muscle if she tried to stalk or harass you. BTW, the police now usually will step in if you are being harassed, especially with a restraining order.
Have your attorney mail important documents certified. I won in court because my ex-husband refused to accept the certified letter with the tax return that he was supposed to sign as per the divorce decree. The attorney had all of the records and the judge was extremely displeased.
My attorney sent one of his male paralegals to supervise the move out of the house - my ex-husband was much better behaved with an authoritative stranger around.
Melanie Tonia Evans, a narcissist abuse expert, has a huge web site with excellent blog articles and free e-books and free courses. I think that especially her articles on Limited Contact and protecting your children from a narcissistic parent would be very helpful to you. Avoidants and narcissists are all on the same continuum, so the articles would be very helpful no matter what your ex-wife's diagnosis actually is.
The surprising arrival of the divorce papers sounds as though your crazy wife may be in the hands of an attorney who is not trying to control her but is willing to put legal muscle into her craziness. Not a great combo.
Make sure you and your attorney know that what you want is the best for you and your kids and for her to go away quietly. It may be good that she initiated the divorce - she has taken herself away from being the injured party. But, you may need to pay her off in some way to make her feel that she won.
Best of luck. Dealing with a malevolent former spouse is difficult, but eventually it will be easier and better for you and your children.
Katy
|
|
|
|
Post by Jaeger on May 10, 2016 21:02:42 GMT
Wow, this sounds a lot like my own story, even down to the 12 years and 3 children! I wish you the best of luck and would just caution you to be careful as she is likely to lash out in rage after denting her precious ego by filing for divorce. Expect the possibility of her trying to get back at you even if it means negative results for your children. I would never have expected my ex capable of this, but she has surprised me in various ways since the breakup (she was the one that instigated it in my case.)
Again, best of luck to you and keep us posted on how you're getting along!
|
|
