Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 16, 2019 14:31:44 GMT
This applies in both relationships and friendships especially with DA and FA.
So what would a secure do or how they handle this?
1) If the DA or FA was ignoring your texts. Doesn't respond back to you at all?
2) Rejects you on all levels I.e doesn't communicate. Doesn't make any effort in hanging out or doesn't acknowledge your efforts when you reach out?
3) How do you prevent yourself from falling into the anxious/fearful attatchment style when dealing with a DA or FA?
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on May 16, 2019 21:24:59 GMT
My thoughts @thatright...
1) If the DA or FA was ignoring your texts. Doesn't respond back to you at all?
Assuming you didn't do anything to obviously to hurt the other person (and knowing you can't read minds), don't take it personally, communicate what you want briefly and to the point, and then let it go. Feel sad if it's a loss for you, but keep your head up and focus on your own life.
This is happening to me right now with an FA friend I've known for years. She suddenly stopped responding to my texts to make plans earlier this year. I've been very clear and direct (when it started, I asked if she was doing okay, she briefly responded yes, then resumed ignoring me. I sent 3 invites total the last few months, with the last directly asking if she wants to get together before I travel. No responses, no idea why). I can't make her answer, nor do I want to assume it's anything personal and project on her, so I've done what I can and have no need to reach out again. A bit sad about it, but it is what it is, and if she ever pops back up, I'll see how I feel about it then.
2) Rejects you on all levels I.e doesn't communicate. Doesn't make any effort in hanging out or doesn't acknowledge your efforts when you reach out?
Let it go! Respect their boundaries as well as your own. Why chase down someone who doesn't want to be caught?
3) How do you prevent yourself from falling into the anxious/fearful attatchment style when dealing with a DA or FA?
If it's making you anxious, give yourself space and distance to calm your nervous system and reflect. Reflect with the focus on yourself, not obsessing about the other person. Think about why you're getting triggered (is it really about the avoidant person or is it something else in your past?). If it is directly related to the avoidant, try talking to them about it, briefly and to the point. Sharing what you want and letting them decide if that works for them, too. If nothing changes, consider if it's healthy for you and downgrade the friendship or let go of it if it isn't.
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on May 17, 2019 3:04:35 GMT
I leave them alone. An FA brought me here. I always left him alone when he went ghost. You dont chase what wants to run. he triggered the crap out of me and rejected me on all levels. haha. I certainly had to fight urges to 'chase'. Reality is avoidant or not, anyone that ghosts out/non receptive, you keep on with your life.
#3 If they are not self aware and want to try, you let them go. It takes two to tango and unaware/not ready to do the work cant tango with you. I gave my guy space, didn't lash out, always calm with him, always open with him, we didn't argue, we had fun together, things in common, etc and nothing works. He is not ready to do what he needs to so its just not going to work. Its a 3 party relation. The attachment, him, then you.
I had a chill very open talk about attachment, etc as well. Dont hold back and talk what you need to talk about but if they are not ready... Let go now if youre battling this. We have to love them from afar and find someone emotionally available.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 17, 2019 20:53:20 GMT
I leave them alone. An FA brought me here. I always left him alone when he went ghost. You dont chase what wants to run. he triggered the crap out of me and rejected me on all levels. haha. I certainly had to fight urges to 'chase'. Reality is avoidant or not, anyone that ghosts out/non receptive, you keep on with your life. #3 If they are not self aware and want to try, you let them go. It takes two to tango and unaware/not ready to do the work cant tango with you. I gave my guy space, didn't lash out, always calm with him, always open with him, we didn't argue, we had fun together, things in common, etc and nothing works. He is not ready to do what he needs to so its just not going to work. Its a 3 party relation. The attachment, him, then you. I had a chill very open talk about attachment, etc as well. Dont hold back and talk what you need to talk about but if they are not ready... Let go now if youre battling this. We have to love them from afar and find someone emotionally available. I really appreciate your input and experience. Hope you dont mind me asking but what happened with your FA? Did you have months of not hearing anything from them? Or ever reach out and get no response? Then they just turn up after months of nothing? |
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on May 17, 2019 22:42:00 GMT
Longest he was gone was 3 months. I dont reach out when he vanishes but hes not responded while we are 'talking'. I may text one more time and leave him alone after that. Sometimes hes gone months/weeks or sometimes its a few days. Hes circled back at least 10 times. I didn't see him every time he circled, you cant ditch me and expect me to come running. It took him some hard chasing for me to see him again.
We are just 'friends' now as in friends from afar no hard feelings when we run into each other. I know he will be back again, he will at least try to get sex. He is selfish and only serves his needs with no regard to mine. I have a feeling his more recent circles is its not working out with another gal so he circles to me. |
|
