Post by m2 on May 18, 2019 13:23:44 GMT
TL;DR: S.O. is moving away and I'm stressed about the future; Am I AP?
I'm not sure if I'm AP or not. When I date someone seriously I end up getting quite attached to them. I try to be the strong, steady person that I typically am in the rest of my life, but when the relationship ends I sort of fall apart for a week or two. I know some grieving is normal after a breakup but it seems to trigger some abandonment issues. I didn't have any obvious childhood trauma aside from divorcing parents when I was a teen, and it wasn't that dramatic.
In any case, I think I've been dating a DA or FA for the last few years and she's moving away and triggering some abandonment stuff in me. She's told me about her a lot of childhood neglect, and then two abusive marriages. Pretty dark stuff, yet she's very sweet but its obvious to me that it affects her relationships profoundly. Anyway, we dated off and on at first and then solid and steady for the last 18 months. We see each other 1-2x per week, and I felt strongly enough to have her get to know my kids (younger) the past year, and they love her. I've met her (older) daughter, even traveled with her. We talked about traveling to see her extended family (in eastern europe). She spent the holidays with me and my family. We've traveled every 3-4 months somewhere. We usually don't go more than a day or two without texting. I felt she was getting more attached to me -- a lot of I love you's, and voicing that I make her happy. So, seemed like things were pretty great.
Yet, I never thought she was ready for more than that because she always talked about how she's an introvert and needs her alone time to recharge. And that she doesn't like someone controlling her and having to know where she is every moment. And she doesn't need a goodmorning text every day. So she thought our situation was ideal - see each other 1-2x week, she does her thing, and I do mine.
The only problem was she despised her job and everyone there because she had been passed over for promotions for 3 straight years. It took a huge emotional toll on her and it became an ongoing dialog with me that was tiring for me to hear but I listened attentively to let her vent. So after a lot of interviewing locally with no luck she decided to look out west (from midwest), and she managed to get an offer within a couple months. So she will be moving out there in a week.
I knew this could be a possibility but its now unfolding so quickly I'm slowing processing it and its been difficult. She was so nonchalant about the idea of moving away, saying "yes I'd miss you and my friends but I need to get out of my comfort zone to advance my career". I remember a long time ago she's talked to me about how she can function fine without someone. That it is nice to have intimacy with someone but for her she can get used to being alone and she can go long periods without anyone. When I asked what about "us" if she moved away she said that "oh I'm not moving out there to find a relationship". And that "you'll just have to have more work meetings out there." I get that she needs to make a career move, but the way she addressed our relationship made me feel like everything we experienced the past 18 months wasn't that important to her. I don't know if she would have even addressed the obvious distance problem with me if I hadn't brought it up! I even said I could move out there -- she didn't discourage me, she just sort of nodded and said sure. So she seems agreeable about seeing how it goes, but it sort of feels like she's just placating me until she can move out there, focus on her work and then let this relationship fade away. But then again she's never been one to jump up and down about relationship stuff. Its hard for her to talk about our relationship explicitly without some prompting from me. I want to press her for more clarity about how we will manage this but I feel like it will just make me want more of a reaction that is incapable of giving. I think she just wants to get out there and figure out our stuff later perhaps. I'm trying to balance this with her introverted nature which avoids confrontation, and with her history of family and relationship trauma that makes it hard to know exactly what she's thinking about it. I've panicked myself about our relationship when she had to focus on work for a couple weeks without seeing me...but it was all for nothing. I wish she'd just break it off if she truly doesn't think it will work. Maybe I am an AP?
Do I just sit tight and see what unfolds? Cut it off immediately? Or am I over-reacting?
I'm not sure if I'm AP or not. When I date someone seriously I end up getting quite attached to them. I try to be the strong, steady person that I typically am in the rest of my life, but when the relationship ends I sort of fall apart for a week or two. I know some grieving is normal after a breakup but it seems to trigger some abandonment issues. I didn't have any obvious childhood trauma aside from divorcing parents when I was a teen, and it wasn't that dramatic.
In any case, I think I've been dating a DA or FA for the last few years and she's moving away and triggering some abandonment stuff in me. She's told me about her a lot of childhood neglect, and then two abusive marriages. Pretty dark stuff, yet she's very sweet but its obvious to me that it affects her relationships profoundly. Anyway, we dated off and on at first and then solid and steady for the last 18 months. We see each other 1-2x per week, and I felt strongly enough to have her get to know my kids (younger) the past year, and they love her. I've met her (older) daughter, even traveled with her. We talked about traveling to see her extended family (in eastern europe). She spent the holidays with me and my family. We've traveled every 3-4 months somewhere. We usually don't go more than a day or two without texting. I felt she was getting more attached to me -- a lot of I love you's, and voicing that I make her happy. So, seemed like things were pretty great.
Yet, I never thought she was ready for more than that because she always talked about how she's an introvert and needs her alone time to recharge. And that she doesn't like someone controlling her and having to know where she is every moment. And she doesn't need a goodmorning text every day. So she thought our situation was ideal - see each other 1-2x week, she does her thing, and I do mine.
The only problem was she despised her job and everyone there because she had been passed over for promotions for 3 straight years. It took a huge emotional toll on her and it became an ongoing dialog with me that was tiring for me to hear but I listened attentively to let her vent. So after a lot of interviewing locally with no luck she decided to look out west (from midwest), and she managed to get an offer within a couple months. So she will be moving out there in a week.
I knew this could be a possibility but its now unfolding so quickly I'm slowing processing it and its been difficult. She was so nonchalant about the idea of moving away, saying "yes I'd miss you and my friends but I need to get out of my comfort zone to advance my career". I remember a long time ago she's talked to me about how she can function fine without someone. That it is nice to have intimacy with someone but for her she can get used to being alone and she can go long periods without anyone. When I asked what about "us" if she moved away she said that "oh I'm not moving out there to find a relationship". And that "you'll just have to have more work meetings out there." I get that she needs to make a career move, but the way she addressed our relationship made me feel like everything we experienced the past 18 months wasn't that important to her. I don't know if she would have even addressed the obvious distance problem with me if I hadn't brought it up! I even said I could move out there -- she didn't discourage me, she just sort of nodded and said sure. So she seems agreeable about seeing how it goes, but it sort of feels like she's just placating me until she can move out there, focus on her work and then let this relationship fade away. But then again she's never been one to jump up and down about relationship stuff. Its hard for her to talk about our relationship explicitly without some prompting from me. I want to press her for more clarity about how we will manage this but I feel like it will just make me want more of a reaction that is incapable of giving. I think she just wants to get out there and figure out our stuff later perhaps. I'm trying to balance this with her introverted nature which avoids confrontation, and with her history of family and relationship trauma that makes it hard to know exactly what she's thinking about it. I've panicked myself about our relationship when she had to focus on work for a couple weeks without seeing me...but it was all for nothing. I wish she'd just break it off if she truly doesn't think it will work. Maybe I am an AP?
Do I just sit tight and see what unfolds? Cut it off immediately? Or am I over-reacting?
