My journey to secure

I do have the need to talk about how much of a douche my ex really is, I think that's perfectly normal though right?😂

I feel the need to express my anger and this is probably the best place.

I hate that this was, most likely, easy for him, I hate that he's probably dating again, I hate that he's having fun and I'm not, I hate that he's literally everywhere in my circle, I hate that I can't be happy for him and I hate that I'm feeling all of the above.

I hate that he was inconsiderate with flirting with that girl in front of me when he could do it elsewhere, like he already was before he came to our table.

I hate that I haven't contacted him yet, but I hate that only because he can't reach out and say something if he has anything to say. At the same time I love the fact that I forbid him to contact me.

Bottom line, I hate that it didn't work out. I hate that he's probably not the man I thought he was and I hate for falling so fast for a guy without thinking.

I'm trying to accept all these feelings as logical, because I grew up shutting these kind of feelings out as unnatural. They aren't. Someone does you wrong, you're bound to get angry, even if you weren't perfect to begin with. Sometimes I feel like a 5 year old acting out because of an ice cream it's parents forbid it to eat, but it's not as simple as that.

You're doing good with no contact. He's got nothing fruitful to say to you.

His flirting in front of you is a pretty classic form of triangulation. I'm not saying he is a full blown narcissist, that's not what I imply when I say , have a look at the articles on triangulation at narcsite.com . The need for attention is met wonderfully by parading a new interest in front of an old one.

Also have a look at No Contact on that site. There are a number of ways people fail at no contact. Putting yourself in his proximity in any way is a fail because it generates emotional infection in YOU. And, gives him an opportunity to gain attention by doing something as lame as triangulating.

I've been involved with narcissists and subjected to their manipulations. Ultimately I do not respond as an AP to them, I retreat because it's awful and I blame them, not myself. This is a good application of dismissive attachment as I am spot on to call bullshit and depart. It's too crazy for me and completely unacceptable. That's not to say I've never been snared. But once I am aware, it's done.

Again, I'm not saying this guy is a narcissist. But he's got some manipulations up his sleeve that you would be wise to educate yourself on. And, analyze what's going on with you that he has this power. You are doing good with all that. Just stay on track.

As a side note, HG Tudor who wrote narcsite reminds me of a 9 year old in a costume, imagining that he has all kinds of unlimited power. However, the power he has over AP victims is considerable and reading that site I see a lot of targeting of the AP mindset and vulnerabilities. All insecure attachment has a narcissistic underpinning to some degree because it is based on survival of the self. So maybe take a look even though it's extreme stuff, it may point you in a direction of awareness of TACTICS so that you don't blindly fall prey to them, whether they are maliciously intended or unconscious. It's all games. Win by refusing to play.

@sherry very interesting reads. I don't think he's a narcissist either, but he does have narcissistic tendencies and this is what our common friend believes too, she's also a very good judge of character. My therapist has also called him manipulative.

Fortunately, this behavior turns me off too. I've had a horrible experience with a sociopath, so I don't want to go down that road again. In fact, that's one reason I started therapy, to find out why I keep staying in relationships like this.

I definitely am not in NC according to the article, but I'm also happy of the NC I am applying. Last couple of days I even stopped logging on social media as often. Win!

I really wish he wasn't in my circle, because I hate the fact that I'm going to be seeing him quite often. I hate that my friends see him very often and aren't free to invite me too, like they used to be. Note: it's easier for them to meet and even if they didn't want to meet up with him, they would eventually end up in the same group of people. So basically, when my friends want to see me now, we have to make special plans. They have made it clear that I'm on the top of their list, but I can't pretend that I don't see how frustrating this must be for them too. Well not frustrating, just unfortunate.

I'm going to be seeing him tomorrow because my friend insisted on joining them (not him) at the place we hang out. He's going to be there. It is going to be fun, lots of friends etc. I do want to go, mostly because I want to be with my friends! I told my friends that I will avoid talking to him, and of course they have my back.

It is going to be tricky, because like you said, it's going to have an effect on MY emotions. I have to be able to not react in any sort of way to his actions. Win by refusing to play, just like you said. I know I'll be back here in a couple of days writing about what he did this time, to get my attention. Oh well. I am in a good place, I'm just angry.

He has done this before, the triangulation thing. After our first "break up" we went out with our friends, he started making inside jokes etc, trying to get closer, at the end of the night he flirted with a girl at another table far away, then proceeded to bring her and her friend near ours, so they weren't exactly sitting with us, but were close. He didn't introduce us. When they were ready to leave he said something to the one he was flirting with, shortly after they both got up, waved me goodbye (??) And left. I was like wtf? This time, when he was flirting with the girl at our table, at some point I saw her staring at me while he was whispering something again. I wouldn't read much into it if it wasn't a weird stare, trust me, it was weird.

I know my overanalyzing tendency, but this does seem like he's being manipulative. Either he's using the girls to get my attention or using me to ensure theirs. Or both. Either way, this is EXTREMELY unattractive and I'm thankful he's showing his true colors, it really does make it easier.

I think we're closing in on why I fall for these types and it seems to stem from the relationship I had with my father. Although a kind man, he was a terrible husband and as much as it hurts to say, I am starting to realise he wasn't a very good father either. This is going to be hard for me to work on, but I still am up for it.

mamut You can use Leonard Jacobsens two chair anger exercise.
You sit in One chair and You put your ex infront of You in the other chair.
Feel your seat knots legs feetand toes.
Then say:
"I am angry about That You xxxx"
Ex. I am angry at You about That You told me You said You would call me back, But dident"

IT has to Be objektive. What happend.

Then feel where the anger sits in the Body. How does it feel.

Then feel the sensations in your Body.

How does your ex look when You tell him ? 
If he dosent react or You are VERY angry at hun, You can say" I am so.angry at You That You did xxxx, That i want to shake You/hit You ect." Then imagine That You do This or do IT in slow motion. (IT is important That IT is in slow motion).

When You stand by your anger and do the exercise, You will Get your Power back.

You can switch with different People. Ex your dad.

Remember to say IT out loud even if IT feels weird.

You can do This exercise eash Day 5-10 min. the next 30.days.

anne12 I've been wanting to thank you for all your helpful threads with all the exercises that you keep posting! Amazing support for all of us! Thank you!!🙏🏽

I will try that exercise, as I've told you before, I'm pretty inconsistent, but I'll at least try it once. It sounds like it will help. Have been trying the water tank exercise, well sort of, but it is also helpful too!