My journey to secure

I agree with you on "Attached" it is hard to the point where it doe way way more damage than good. My first exposure to attachment theory and I really regret it now! (Although there is a later chapter in "Attached" that deals with strategies for Avoidants in relationships and that has some helpful suggestions.)

I'm a huge fan of Sue Johnson's work. Reading "Attachment theory in practice" and it is pretty helpful in describing the "dance" the reasons for it/how to dance in a different way. A lot of people on this board subscribe to the Attached view of attachment styles, but to be honest that's not really how most psych professionals see them.

Something that I've taken from Sue Johnson's work was the value in focusing on the secure attachments that you do have in your life and thinking of them as a way to bring you into a more secure space.

Not sure if any of that helps. I'll certainly follow this thread over time and see how it develops!

I had an intrusive thought today triggered by something I saw on FB regarding my ex. I'm still struggling to resist the urge to check further.

I think I might have figured out why I do this. I'm doing exactly what my mother does to me.

My mother needed me to love her. Whenever I drift away, she always calls to make sure I still love her. She says she feels guilty for not being a good mother and basically is asking for confirmation that she is and "guilts" me into saying I love her etc. She can't regulate herself and she's asking me to do it for her.

I think I do the same with partners. I may not express these thoughts, but they are still in my head. I look for confirmation in them, I look for acceptance, I look for love in them, when the answer is within me to all of the above.

I wish I could say that I'm in the same mood I was in my previous post on my thread in the DA section, but I got triggered today again and I'm crying on and off for the past two hours. I know I just have to get up and do something to get my mind off things but it seems impossible, although I did try for a bit and it worked.

It's like I don't want to get out of this state, I just want to talk about it.
I want to talk about what triggered my thoughts and analyse it because I think it will sooth me, and it will, but for a short time, and it'll come back even worse.

I have resisted all the urges to check on him, add more thoughts to the story and resisted to talk aboout it even to a friend. What's interesting is one of the reasons I don't want to talk about it to my friend is because she'll "see my crazy" even though she has seen parts of it before and is very very VERY understanding. Even so, I think I'll stick to not telling her because in the end, it'll do more damage to me than good.

I'm writing here to basically get my thoughts together.

Everything comes down to self love and self confidence. Every time I think about that though, I push my ex to the side completely. Should be a good thing right? Wrong. I see it as abandonment. And it's not about the specific ex, it could be any ex right now. It's like letting go means I have to realize that I've been abandoned and that hurts.

It's my deepest fear, no wonder this is hitting me so hard.

I don't want to move on, but I do. It's so confusing, but it shouldn't be.

I'm seeing all I've written and I'm thinking "DRAMA!", "You're creating drama!" And that's definitely not a way someone who loves themselves think.

I've managed to get the anxiety down a bit, but I'm afraid I did it with all the wrong techniques. Or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself again. I think I used both, feeling close to my ex with hopes that we will "find a way to each other" at some point down the line and self loving. I didn't do the first thoughts on purpose, they just come to me and I can't resist.

I have indeed made progress, I'm not thinking of immediate reconciliation, but as you see "some day". Still, it's the same strategy. I actually used to use this in every other break up and it seemed to work, because it soothed the pain I was going through and by the time I was over them, I didn't really want reconciliation. I now see why exactly that worked and it probably prolongs the BU process and definitely encourages the attachment style. So the progress doesn't lie in the fact of the timing of the reconciliation, but in the fact that my reasonable self is more active and I know that I really don't want back and I'm trying to love myself more so I can heal the AP. It's a very slow process but I'm sure once I get the hang of it, it'll definitely get easier.

I'm feeling a lot better now, as my therapist told me my thoughts were normal. I've never actually been in a secure relationship so every time I had these story making thoughts of jealousy, I was pretty much justified to have them, because most of the guys weren't really committed.

I am feeling more confident, I know I still have work to do, but today is a win!

I haven't felt that I wasn't enough, that I did something wrong. The only thing wrong I did was accepting him back the first time. Well, I could've been more open and all of the issues I've been talking about, but I don't think it would've affected his decision. Or would it?

The only time I feel "not enough" is when I'm thinking he's moved onto another woman and actually committed. That's when I feel unworthy, but again it doesn't cause me anxiety. I think even a secure would feel a sting of that right? I'm really asking here.

I am finally starting to wrap my head around the fact that I don't want him back, not only because he doesn't want me, but I don't want to get back into a relationship like that.


I am surprised to how much my "gut instinct" is kicking hard against it. Maybe I shouldn't give my gut instinct too much credit, I mean I've worked hard on myself the past year to get to the point where I can get away from situations like this.

I still haven't found out if I linked my self worth to him. I read my previous entries and I have written that, but I really don't feel it. I haven't blamed myself for the BU. I haven't said I wasn't worthy enough, or pretty enough, or or or. These thoughts did pass my mind, but got put down immediately, as they are not valid.

Clearly we weren't a good match when it comes to communication. We might have everything else in sync, but without communication, what to do? And let's not forget the most important thing, he didn't even want to try. Pulled himself out of there twice. That's 2 times too many.

I can now somewhat understand the reasons he pulled away, with all the studying I have done on attachment styles. It did help me understand that he didn't do this on purpose. Of course, IF he falls into the FA category. Time will tell.

Most important thing I have gotten from all this, is that I'm starting to work even harder on myself, relationship wise or not! I can feel the change, can't wait for it to show too!


PS I can even say I'm thankful he did, before this got too deep. I like reminding myself that I was ready to end it too when I saw him pull away, and I'm confident I would. Progress!