Post by lostinthought on Jun 15, 2017 17:22:44 GMT
Our relationship started 4,5 years ago, we have seriously broken up twice. At first we moved in together very quickly (the idea came from him but it was only a temporary solution for his short term contract and he said was mostly related to cutting costs and convenience), after 2 months went long-distance, he broke up after 5 months more saying that he didn't love me and I wasn't the one. It was my first and only relationship, so I took it really badly.
We stayed in regular message based contact, saw each other again after 5 months (I moved to his country for an internship), decided to start seeing each other again. Neither of us committed, he kept saying that he didn't love me, didn't want to be in a relationship with me, and didn't mind me seeing other guys, I asked him to carry on and not break up, we were acting like a couple. I slept with someone else and didn't tell him.
We made things official after a few months but he still wasn't able to say 'I love you'. After a year and a half (just before we were going to move in together in his country) and a constant battle (pretty much each month he wanted to break up with me, said he was sure he could never love me, I'd convince him to stay and try working on things) I told him I slept with someone else in the midst of an argument. I think I told him because I wanted to make sure that things between us were ended for good.
After a year and a half of pretty much no contact, but a lot of online stalking on both sides, I sent him a message with condolences (his grandfather died). We were living in the same country at the time and I was very surprised when he said he wanted to meet up. We went for a hike and after a few weeks he suggested another meeting in which he said he'd like to get back together (under many conditions). We did, we felt elated for a couple of months, then the fighting started again. We mostly fought on the basis of closeness/space, but also little things. He did say he loved me this time, he was very committed to working on things, and I saw how hard he tried when I was acting in an anxious way in arguments. After 6 months he said he was too tired of fighting and that he wanted to break up. I convinced him to try, I read a book on attachment styles and am very committed to working on mine (earner anxious I believe). I actually did do a lot of work, limited the fights, controlled most of my anxious thoughts and insecurities. He still says that something broke inside of him, he doesn't want to be in a relationship, can't work on things anymore, will be safer and happier with someone else or alone, and so will I.
Our relationship has been full of fights, love, passion, and stress. I love him and he's the only guy I've ever been in a relationship with and that's why it's so difficult to let go. This time around is particularly difficult because I saw how hard he can work and I'm scared that I pushed him away with my anxious tendencies. I want to fix things, I want to work on myself, I don't want to go through the misery of a break-up with him again.
I'm quite an affectionate person who likes closeness but also needs a bit of space. I'm used to having my needs met, never had been jealous before I met him. He's quite private, likes his space, was only in one relationship except for this one, which was long distance and lasted only a few months (he was the one who ended it). We're both in our late twenties, my parents still together (although had to work through many problems), his divorced, promoting independence. I feel like I'm losing any respect for myself by asking him to stay with me. It's just unimaginable to me that someone who wanted to be with me so much just a few months ago now seems to completely not care. Even before we broke up he started planning a single holiday and told me how excited he was about being single again. That he knows at times he may miss me but that he's not going to stay in a relationship because of fear.
I'd like to get an outside insight. I know that the description above doesn't even start to cover our story but I hope it's an adequate summary. Am I dealing with an avoidant person or am I just looking for excuses and he just came to terms with the fact that we're incompatible faster than I did? Am I being naïve thinking that every relationship has difficulties and you shouldn't just give up and look for happiness elsewhere? What would a secure person do?
Thank you for any opinions!
We stayed in regular message based contact, saw each other again after 5 months (I moved to his country for an internship), decided to start seeing each other again. Neither of us committed, he kept saying that he didn't love me, didn't want to be in a relationship with me, and didn't mind me seeing other guys, I asked him to carry on and not break up, we were acting like a couple. I slept with someone else and didn't tell him.
We made things official after a few months but he still wasn't able to say 'I love you'. After a year and a half (just before we were going to move in together in his country) and a constant battle (pretty much each month he wanted to break up with me, said he was sure he could never love me, I'd convince him to stay and try working on things) I told him I slept with someone else in the midst of an argument. I think I told him because I wanted to make sure that things between us were ended for good.
After a year and a half of pretty much no contact, but a lot of online stalking on both sides, I sent him a message with condolences (his grandfather died). We were living in the same country at the time and I was very surprised when he said he wanted to meet up. We went for a hike and after a few weeks he suggested another meeting in which he said he'd like to get back together (under many conditions). We did, we felt elated for a couple of months, then the fighting started again. We mostly fought on the basis of closeness/space, but also little things. He did say he loved me this time, he was very committed to working on things, and I saw how hard he tried when I was acting in an anxious way in arguments. After 6 months he said he was too tired of fighting and that he wanted to break up. I convinced him to try, I read a book on attachment styles and am very committed to working on mine (earner anxious I believe). I actually did do a lot of work, limited the fights, controlled most of my anxious thoughts and insecurities. He still says that something broke inside of him, he doesn't want to be in a relationship, can't work on things anymore, will be safer and happier with someone else or alone, and so will I.
Our relationship has been full of fights, love, passion, and stress. I love him and he's the only guy I've ever been in a relationship with and that's why it's so difficult to let go. This time around is particularly difficult because I saw how hard he can work and I'm scared that I pushed him away with my anxious tendencies. I want to fix things, I want to work on myself, I don't want to go through the misery of a break-up with him again.
I'm quite an affectionate person who likes closeness but also needs a bit of space. I'm used to having my needs met, never had been jealous before I met him. He's quite private, likes his space, was only in one relationship except for this one, which was long distance and lasted only a few months (he was the one who ended it). We're both in our late twenties, my parents still together (although had to work through many problems), his divorced, promoting independence. I feel like I'm losing any respect for myself by asking him to stay with me. It's just unimaginable to me that someone who wanted to be with me so much just a few months ago now seems to completely not care. Even before we broke up he started planning a single holiday and told me how excited he was about being single again. That he knows at times he may miss me but that he's not going to stay in a relationship because of fear.
I'd like to get an outside insight. I know that the description above doesn't even start to cover our story but I hope it's an adequate summary. Am I dealing with an avoidant person or am I just looking for excuses and he just came to terms with the fact that we're incompatible faster than I did? Am I being naïve thinking that every relationship has difficulties and you shouldn't just give up and look for happiness elsewhere? What would a secure person do?
Thank you for any opinions!