Why Treat Badly - Then Get Hurt When Losing You!

Attachment wounds make people have a completely different view on how feelings were hurt, if unaware. I'm not trying to deny that you are hurt by his behaviour at all, and I know it's very difficult not to take things personal. But sometimes dynamics are like that, we play different roles. Maybe he thinks he just protected himself from something he saw as an attack.

Breakups are very emotional and sometimes messy even for secure people. I know dueling on how things ended is very normal! Time and distance might help for both of you.

How does one try to confront and amend things when the avoidantly attached people withdraws?

Dismissives, *generally* do not have a negative view of self, but have a negative view of others. Before we go criticizing that, consider that a dismissive was neglected and was forced to turn to self for comfort. It would be a terrible strategy to turn to a self one couldn't believe in, and didn't like, and whom one thinks is worthless. That would be a hopeless strategy.

It isn't that a dismissive cannot see shortcomings in themselves, but the "I'm not good enough" narrative doesn't resonate. Maybe something more like this : "I'm not willing to meet your expectations (which are likely seen as entitlement) -I'm not willing or able to be controlled and dominated and molded by you."
or
"I don't like your behavior!". A dismissive in a toxic relationship is every bit as unhappy as the AP, has feelings that get hurt, and withdraws because for whatever reason, it's not feeling good.

The behavior described with cutting contact, then reaching out, and sending texts which, if i'm understanding correctly, are hurtful, is in pattern for this dynamic and the reason dismissive withdraws, ultimately.

There is no benefit in an AP "confronting" and attempting to soothe while a dismissive is withdrawn, not in a toxic dynamic like this. Its not immediately reversible and the damage done to trust and respect might prove to be intolerable and just not worth it, depending on the individual.

Oh, this resonates with me a lot in these weeks. I feel like now the trust in the attachment between my partner and I is broken. I am giving autonomy to him while I focus on myself while trying to be gentle to him, and I can see it helps. But yes I do see that the damage done cannot be easily reversed. It is about how we percieve a bond with our partner, not about strategies.

What I feel is that when he's deactivated he forgets everything in which we've built our trust. But I'm sorry, 'confronting' (not lashing out to someone) someone when you feel mistreated I think it's necessary. We all have our boundaries. I try to state them in a kind but firm way and I know it's not something one wants to hear, but it must be done. Resentment otherwhise is a given.

I do get that for a dismissive person this means that you want to change him/her and feel attacked. I have heard my partner say that to me before. I'll put an example here: he once got drunk and started to tell me that he liked that I wanted to have a lot of sex but that I was too affectionate and he sometimes felt smothered. But the way and moment in which he said that upset me. I carried him to his house but told him that I was really hurt and that I wanted to sleep alone that night, and he told me that I wanted to change him and make a point and got mad. I firmly told him that no, I was not, that I understood that he needed more physical space and could respect that, but that he hurted me in that moment and that he had to think on how he was acting. I stayed because I wanted him to feel like I was not punishing him for anything. The next day he apologised and we worked on it pretty easily. That's a healthy way to handle things.

This is not the case now. I feel like easy conflicts like this have escalated a lot and common sense has been lost. I do not want to change a person, I'm just stating that an action they're making is hurting me ('We had decided to sleep together and I left everything in your house', 'I wanted to enjoy a concert and you wanted to go home', 'I am studying and you wanted to share something long with me'). And he has been trying to tell me that he needs more space.

Of course I know my partner is as sad as I am now. He's unhappy. I'm unhappy. We love each other and we are sad. And we don't know how to fix it! Meybe we can't.

I'm sorry this post is too focuses on me

lilyg if you've been able to avoid resentment by confronting in the way you feel is appropriate, that's great but I wonder what your partner would say about that .
As to how to make amends. True remorse entails a candid admission of the wrongs one has knowledge of in their behavior, without expectation of a particular response, and then active change of behavior demonstrated over time. My opinion.

Mutual responsibility is common sense in my estimation.  I have no advice as to how to proceed with your situation I was simply responding to the question you asked.  Nothing more.

I think a healthy relationship does come from common sense! And it should be mutual.