mamut
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Post by mamut on May 29, 2019 15:49:47 GMT
@thatright I'm not saying that he is treating you well, but you are broken up, and that was a good call from you.
Now you are asking to be friends, when that is really not what you want.
I know the pain, and I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you really need to focus on yourself. If you don't, and let's say he does come back, what makes you think the whole thing won't repeat itself since neither of you put any effort into changing?
You need to treat this as a break up and not a break and definitely not a friendship.
No intention to hurt you, apologies if it came off as harsh
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2019 16:03:15 GMT
@thatright I'm not saying that he is treating you well, but you are broken up, and that was a good call from you. Now you are asking to be friends, when that is really not what you want. I know the pain, and I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you really need to focus on yourself. If you don't, and let's say he does come back, what makes you think the whole thing won't repeat itself since neither of you put any effort into changing? You need to treat this as a break up and not a break and definitely not a friendship. No intention to hurt you, apologies if it came off as harsh Please believe me. I dont want a relationship with him. I just want things to be straight. Everytime I reach out - he ignores me. I'm trying to make amends. I know as more time passes on. It will lead to further resentment from him. Just dont know what else to do. |
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Post by lilyg on May 29, 2019 16:11:03 GMT
Ok. Frankly, as you say, you're talking without the full picture. That's would be a problem with a very easy solution but it's not really the problem.
Of course common sense is lacking. That's my whole point.
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Post by lilyg on May 29, 2019 16:12:32 GMT
@thatright I'm not saying that he is treating you well, but you are broken up, and that was a good call from you. Now you are asking to be friends, when that is really not what you want. I know the pain, and I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you really need to focus on yourself. If you don't, and let's say he does come back, what makes you think the whole thing won't repeat itself since neither of you put any effort into changing? You need to treat this as a break up and not a break and definitely not a friendship. No intention to hurt you, apologies if it came off as harsh Please believe me. I dont want a relationship with him. I just want things to be straight. Everytime I reach out - he ignores me. I'm trying to make amends. I know as more time passes on. It will lead to further resentment from him. Just dont know what else to do.
You can't if he doesn't want to. Please don't reach out to him. If he ever wants to make amends he'll contact you. Make amends with yourself. Closure comes from within! |
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Post by epicgum on May 29, 2019 16:18:37 GMT
I think it's important to remember for your own perspective that the people on this board can only speak from their own experience, or from their own understanding of the psychology. No one DA/FA/AP/SA can speak for how your ex will be feeling or how you should act in this particular moment, even if they share an attachment style.
That's why it is helpful to focus on your own attachment issues, because you know for certain how you feel, and more security in your self will generally produce more security in your partner.
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 29, 2019 16:28:44 GMT
@thatright I understand you want to make it "right" right now, but you've already tried to contact him and he doesn't seem interested in that. Everyone, regardless of attachment style, needs time and space to process things. You take yours, let him take his.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2019 16:38:15 GMT
Sorry all. Being an AP sucks. The urges increases my anxiety even more.
I've already tried to phone his work phone three times today and his not answering it.
This isn't a healthy thing.
I cant punish myself anymore. I've reached out. I've said sorry. I've done all I can do.
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Post by stuckinamoment on May 29, 2019 16:52:29 GMT
It seems like a lot of individuals come here talking about attachment theory when avoiding drunkenness might be the best first step but that's a topic for another thread . I'm noticing a pattern of alcohol overconsumption on both sides in these toxic relationships, but no one ever talks about abstinence. I think common sense is lacking there but again it's just my opinion and I don't have all the information. i'm new here and i've also noticed this as well and can relate. I stopped drinking for six weeks after I last saw him and hadn't drank maybe one drink in two months prior. I had one drink last weekend. He drinks daily and drinking seemed to make my anxiety when triggered worse . i even sent him an apology a few months back stating just that. as i sent some somewhat mean texts to him. I also asked for closure while drinking and pressed more as well. he told me of his ghost after we had been drinking.... so it's a theme played out for us. we had one fun nite while out drinking and that was the last time we went out as he really opened up and i was triggered when he withdrew. its like now i'm almost avoidant to alcohol because of this relationship. what's odd is when we first started out as just friends i was fine drinking with him. would be a good topic for a new thread i agree |
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Post by stuckinamoment on May 29, 2019 17:00:38 GMT
Sorry all. Being an AP sucks. The urges increases my anxiety even more. I've already tried to phone his work phone three times today and his not answering it. This isn't a healthy thing. I cant punish myself anymore. I've reached out. I've said sorry. I've done all I can do. i'm going through something similar. It's good you recognize it is not healthy to keep reaching out. the last thing you want is for him to say you are harassing him. What has helped me is to really sit with my pain, to feel it but not act on it. the sad reality is we can't force them to talk to us because they have decided right now they don't want to reply and we have to respect their boundaries. keep,posting here when you want to contact him. my guy ignored my text on saturday ..i saw him out and avoided him so he didn't see me but i texted and i guess he's still not ready to talk it's been six weeks and we only talked once since march. i'm right there with you. |
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Post by epicgum on May 29, 2019 20:31:19 GMT
It seems like a lot of individuals come here talking about attachment theory when avoiding drunkenness might be the best first step but that's a topic for another thread . I'm noticing a pattern of alcohol overconsumption on both sides in these toxic relationships, but no one ever talks about abstinence. I think common sense is lacking there but again it's just my opinion and I don't have all the information. i'm new here and i've also noticed this as well and can relate. I stopped drinking for six weeks after I last saw him and hadn't drank maybe one drink in two months prior. I had one drink last weekend. He drinks daily and drinking seemed to make my anxiety when triggered worse . i even sent him an apology a few months back stating just that. as i sent some somewhat mean texts to him. I also asked for closure while drinking and pressed more as well. he told me of his ghost after we had been drinking.... so it's a theme played out for us. we had one fun nite while out drinking and that was the last time we went out as he really opened up and i was triggered when he withdrew. its like now i'm almost avoidant to alcohol because of this relationship. what's odd is when we first started out as just friends i was fine drinking with him. would be a good topic for a new thread i agree People who become problem drinkers (or gamblers, or sex/love addicts, internet addicts or whatever) it is theorized often fall into this pattern because they learned to use the substancee/behavior as a coping device to suppress the pain of attachment wounds/disconnection. Studies of alcoholics show that they are VERY high in insecure attachment. Although I do not drink much I 100% see this pattern in myself. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2019 21:06:53 GMT
My point with drinking is that a person is unlikely to make appreciable changes in their attachment issues as long as they are engaging in related addictions.
I've seen many accounts here on the forum of drunken confrontations or drunken bonding. Drunkenness handicaps emotional availability and healthy relating. How can it not be a major factor in a dysfunctional dynamic? Conquering addictions typically requires a deep look into the self, and active work to change one's own choices and responses to life stressors. I absolutely believe that addressing any excessive substance intake is critical to real progress with the attachment issues . If you're all triggered by something a partner says when drunk, it's an issue. If you get drunk and act out your attachment anxiety. or numb out, it's an issue that needs to be addressed honestly .
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Post by lilyg on May 30, 2019 10:13:31 GMT
You both are very right on that!
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 11, 2019 2:56:01 GMT
I don't drink or do drugs, and rarely ever have, but I can see how it is true that if you aren't going to drink then you may be carrying around a lot of pain on an ongoing basis, perhaps for years or decades. There isn't really a panacea. In some cases antidepressants help. Things like sleep or internet or gaming can numb it, but the pain is an ongoing thing, so I can see how this leads some to look for a salve. I don't have an answer, but somehow think it should be acknowledged. What do we do with that pain?
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