Post by laurel on Jun 2, 2019 23:45:10 GMT
Hi everyone! I'm new here. 
I oscillate between wondering if the bulk of my relationship woes have been due to incompatibility or attachment issues. I've had very painful experiences in relationships, and have spent the past 10 years never in a calm, happy relationship that simply flowed.
-I grew up in a household where I was fed, clothed, even taken on the occasional vacation, etc however I was a child to teenage parents who worked their tails off. I think I was emotionally neglected, and remember the vast amount of my childhood being spent alone entertaining myself. I was never complimented or built up by my parents, but I was also never put down. I never felt close to my parents or sibling, and in fact we all sort of had our own separate existences under one roof. I shut down my younger sister's bids for intimacy and connection constantly, and was sometimes outright cruel. Things have improved over time in terms of how close we are, but only somewhat. My mother loves me but is somewhat witholding, it's like there's a ceiling on what she can express.
-I used to roleplay with my best friend as a young teenager online. We would write fantasy stories with very detailed plots and characters. None of my characters could have a truly mutual romantic relationship, and couldn't outright express love.
-I have been in 4 serious, long-term relationships and have been the one to end it each time. I have been with a couple great guys who were kind, smart, my type, had interesting hobbies and friends and various things going for them.....and I really really *want* to love them but cannot. I can appreciate them mentally and intellectually, but not much registers on a body or heart level except for perhaps fleeting seconds of it. And I hold out and wait on feelings to develop for months and months until I can't anymore.
-Once these people leave, I'm suddenly flooded with appreciation and fondness despite feeling "off" the whole time in the relationship because something just isn't clicking. This is profoundly confusing, and has lead me to getting back together with some of these people, during which time the feelings quickly fade again.
-I'm a fault-finder and I don't know how to stop it. It's terrible. Attraction is not a simple thing for me, and I don't get excited about people much anymore despite really wanting a healthy, secure relationship that just flows. In my experience so far, I will feel initial excitement about someone, but it quickly fades.
Does anyone here know if I fall more under DA or FA? I really wrestle with knowing if I've just been picking the wrong guys (despite how great they are) or if my attachment system is sabotaging me from the beginning. Anybody else experience similar things, and if so what has helped you? Thank you.
Warmly,
Laurel
I oscillate between wondering if the bulk of my relationship woes have been due to incompatibility or attachment issues. I've had very painful experiences in relationships, and have spent the past 10 years never in a calm, happy relationship that simply flowed.
-I grew up in a household where I was fed, clothed, even taken on the occasional vacation, etc however I was a child to teenage parents who worked their tails off. I think I was emotionally neglected, and remember the vast amount of my childhood being spent alone entertaining myself. I was never complimented or built up by my parents, but I was also never put down. I never felt close to my parents or sibling, and in fact we all sort of had our own separate existences under one roof. I shut down my younger sister's bids for intimacy and connection constantly, and was sometimes outright cruel. Things have improved over time in terms of how close we are, but only somewhat. My mother loves me but is somewhat witholding, it's like there's a ceiling on what she can express.
-I used to roleplay with my best friend as a young teenager online. We would write fantasy stories with very detailed plots and characters. None of my characters could have a truly mutual romantic relationship, and couldn't outright express love.
-I have been in 4 serious, long-term relationships and have been the one to end it each time. I have been with a couple great guys who were kind, smart, my type, had interesting hobbies and friends and various things going for them.....and I really really *want* to love them but cannot. I can appreciate them mentally and intellectually, but not much registers on a body or heart level except for perhaps fleeting seconds of it. And I hold out and wait on feelings to develop for months and months until I can't anymore.
-Once these people leave, I'm suddenly flooded with appreciation and fondness despite feeling "off" the whole time in the relationship because something just isn't clicking. This is profoundly confusing, and has lead me to getting back together with some of these people, during which time the feelings quickly fade again.
-I'm a fault-finder and I don't know how to stop it. It's terrible. Attraction is not a simple thing for me, and I don't get excited about people much anymore despite really wanting a healthy, secure relationship that just flows. In my experience so far, I will feel initial excitement about someone, but it quickly fades.
Does anyone here know if I fall more under DA or FA? I really wrestle with knowing if I've just been picking the wrong guys (despite how great they are) or if my attachment system is sabotaging me from the beginning. Anybody else experience similar things, and if so what has helped you? Thank you.
Warmly,
Laurel
