DA who lies? even white lies? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

joanneg
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Posts: 41

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 20, 2017 1:22:44 GMT sam likes this

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Post by joanneg on Jun 20, 2017 1:22:44 GMT

I posted here a while ago about my relationship and more so my break up with DA..

Relationship was ok (crumbs) (6+ months) and the further away from it I get the more I realise it seemed to be all on his terms..

I've used this as a time to grow and instead of looking at my DA, to look at myself and why I stayed for so long. I guess it is natural for you to want to make it work and when you see how loving someone can be , it is hard to imagine that they will completely go cold and cut you off.... you want to go back to the loving person they were

I am looking at building boundaries. learning not to settle and read red flags...

Its been 2 months post break up.. the only communication weve had has been twice by me texting..(i couldnt help it - addicted much?) that was about 6 weeks ago.. im so glad to say i am still very hurt but my need/want to communicate is gone.. my ego would like someone kind of acknowledgement from him however if i dont get it(which i really think i wont) that is ok.. if anything i almost feel pity for my DA... although he seems very happy now that we are broken up..

I often struggle between thinking that he is a DA or that he just wasnt into me? thats probably my anxious side coming out because it is SCARY how many "text book" DA traits he had..workaholic, people pleaser, lack of affection, no ability to communicate, superficial friends, lack of physical contact etc. etc He also has a drug addiction which I feel he uses to curb his feelings.. im not sure he even knows who he is .. definitely a mask there.. although he seems content with this

His friends were never ever warm to me.. specifically a close girl friend of his.. Im starting to think that he may have made lies up about me and said to her albeit not in a malicious way just in passing that i didnt like her.. i confronted the girl who had heard that id said stuff about her.. which was not true... i think she nearly wanted a reason not to like me and perhaps he fed into this..part of him definitely likes the attention he gets off this girl.. (DA trait - attention outside of the relationship!)

In our relationship he lied a few times and i caught him out on the lies.. small lies however now i have heard more remarks he made.. very slight.. i am very sensitive and very observant and so im putting it all together now.. as i still try to unravel my mind from this mess..

is it common for DA to lie? even white lies?

If so, do they know that it is a lie? its almost like he believes them.... when i caught him out on lies before he almost couldn't explain it... he had no reason for doing so.. or maybe he was playing dumb?

is it that he says things that he thinks people want to hear? or without thinking? He seriously lacks empathy..

Maybe its not usual but i thought it could be open to discussion...also please do not take offence.. im not saying all DA's are liars ..

Do DA's really want a connection? It seems he is extremely happy working, partying, superficial relationships.. there is no depth..

This guy is the hardest thing to figure out! Maybe because he doesnt even know who he is... he is 30.. surely as he gets older having no connection will take its toll...

maybe it was just a connection with me? He definitely could have fooled me at the beginning with his capability of maintaining a close relationship

mrscuba
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Posts: 41

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 21, 2017 16:38:46 GMT via mobile

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Post by mrscuba on Jun 21, 2017 16:38:46 GMT

Jun 20, 2017 1:22:44 GMT joanneg said:

I posted here a while ago about my relationship and more so my break up with DA..

Relationship was ok (crumbs) (6+ months) and the further away from it I get the more I realise it seemed to be all on his terms..

I've used this as a time to grow and instead of looking at my DA, to look at myself and why I stayed for so long. I guess it is natural for you to want to make it work and when you see how loving someone can be , it is hard to imagine that they will completely go cold and cut you off.... you want to go back to the loving person they were

I am looking at building boundaries. learning not to settle and read red flags...

Its been 2 months post break up.. the only communication weve had has been twice by me texting..(i couldnt help it - addicted much?) that was about 6 weeks ago.. im so glad to say i am still very hurt but my need/want to communicate is gone.. my ego would like someone kind of acknowledgement from him however if i dont get it(which i really think i wont) that is ok.. if anything i almost feel pity for my DA... although he seems very happy now that we are broken up..

I often struggle between thinking that he is a DA or that he just wasnt into me? thats probably my anxious side coming out because it is SCARY how many "text book" DA traits he had..workaholic, people pleaser, lack of affection, no ability to communicate, superficial friends, lack of physical contact etc. etc He also has a drug addiction which I feel he uses to curb his feelings.. im not sure he even knows who he is .. definitely a mask there.. although he seems content with this

His friends were never ever warm to me.. specifically a close girl friend of his.. Im starting to think that he may have made lies up about me and said to her albeit not in a malicious way just in passing that i didnt like her.. i confronted the girl who had heard that id said stuff about her.. which was not true... i think she nearly wanted a reason not to like me and perhaps he fed into this..part of him definitely likes the attention he gets off this girl.. (DA trait - attention outside of the relationship!)

In our relationship he lied a few times and i caught him out on the lies.. small lies however now i have heard more remarks he made.. very slight.. i am very sensitive and very observant and so im putting it all together now.. as i still try to unravel my mind from this mess..

is it common for DA to lie? even white lies?

If so, do they know that it is a lie? its almost like he believes them.... when i caught him out on lies before he almost couldn't explain it... he had no reason for doing so.. or maybe he was playing dumb?

is it that he says things that he thinks people want to hear? or without thinking? He seriously lacks empathy..

Maybe its not usual but i thought it could be open to discussion...also please do not take offence.. im not saying all DA's are liars ..

Do DA's really want a connection? It seems he is extremely happy working, partying, superficial relationships.. there is no depth..

This guy is the hardest thing to figure out! Maybe because he doesnt even know who he is... he is 30.. surely as he gets older having no connection will take its toll...

maybe it was just a connection with me? He definitely could have fooled me at the beginning with his capability of maintaining a close relationship

My ex gf is a fearful avoidant and would make up the stupidest little (albeit harmless lies) to maintain her sense of independence. Or she'd straight up keep things from me that made me really distrust her but it was all
Part of her coping mechanism. I have also know DA's that also do this but the DA was a bit more malicious about it at times. My experience is 2 things usually happen, they either give you little white lies that almost
Make you think they are stupid or they basically keep the most subtle things from you. It does seem to get better if you can reconnect with them after a break up because then somehow some of them feel they can trust you.

gaynxious
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Posts: 158

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 21, 2017 19:08:27 GMT via mobile

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Post by gaynxious on Jun 21, 2017 19:08:27 GMT

My ex is likely somewhere between da and fa or perhaps switches between the two. He tells white lies to avoid hurting people's feelings all the time. While he may think he does this out of empathy I think it is more out of protection. He cannot handle other people's negative emotions. He will actively try to get away from someone that is crying even if he is not involved. I believe that if a friend complained to him about something he would just be like ya that stinks, lets think about something positive, than to actually try to help them process their problem. He fears conflict and would rather not fight than actually address whatever is causing something to fight about.
I have also read that DAs tend to keep secrets as it creates distance and a sense of control. Lying is one way to keep secrets.

sam
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Posts: 60

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 22, 2017 7:09:48 GMT via mobile

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Post by sam on Jun 22, 2017 7:09:48 GMT

I agree, my ex used to lie all of the time. Sometimes really silly little things but other times really damaging things which destroyed trust.
I'm not sure why avoidants do it, maybe it's because if they tell the truth it reveals more about themselves and if they are truly known they feel vulnerable and fear they might get rejected for who they are. So better to have a fake persona.

joanneg
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Posts: 41

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 22, 2017 7:41:22 GMT

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Post by joanneg on Jun 22, 2017 7:41:22 GMT

Yes, its really bizarre!

Fully a fake persona.. everyone seen my DA has this happy go lucky guy when really deep down and behind closed doors he had very little energy.. was really tired all the time ..

was very focused on work, his hobbies... he people pleased constantly so i feel like he wanted to always be chirpy so that no one could fault him...

he also has a drug addiction... which i believe he uses to curb his emotions.. drug addiction effects seem to be in line with avoid ant tenancies...

fake mask, high energy vs low energy, grumpy vs energetic, lying, emotional maturity ....

This is just what I have gathered and my own experience with DA.. I dont want to generalize all DA's

mrscuba
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Posts: 41

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 22, 2017 14:24:21 GMT via mobile

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Post by mrscuba on Jun 22, 2017 14:24:21 GMT

Jun 22, 2017 7:41:22 GMT joanneg said:

Yes, its really bizarre!

Fully a fake persona.. everyone seen my DA has this happy go lucky guy when really deep down and behind closed doors he had very little energy.. was really tired all the time ..

was very focused on work, his hobbies... he people pleased constantly so i feel like he wanted to always be chirpy so that no one could fault him...

he also has a drug addiction... which i believe he uses to curb his emotions.. drug addiction effects seem to be in line with avoid ant tenancies...

fake mask, high energy vs low energy, grumpy vs energetic, lying, emotional maturity ....

This is just what I have gathered and my own experience with DA.. I dont want to generalize all DA's

That can also apply to FA's I think. However in some casss I know a DA whose drug of choice is working out and going tot he gym constantly. The one thing I'd add to that is that on top of the fake persona they have really harsh feelings of inadequacy

joanneg
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Posts: 41

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 23, 2017 0:03:59 GMT

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Post by joanneg on Jun 23, 2017 0:03:59 GMT

I always wonder if my DA was DA or FA. There was once or twice that I think he thought I would leave and he was scared at the beginning of the relationship. However once we began "fighting" (any kind of intimate/intense conversation) he completely shut down. He seems very happy that we're not together and has never once initiated contact

mrscuba
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Posts: 41

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 23, 2017 16:04:34 GMT via mobile SpeakCzar likes this

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Post by mrscuba on Jun 23, 2017 16:04:34 GMT

Jun 23, 2017 0:03:59 GMT joanneg said:

I always wonder if my DA was DA or FA. There was once or twice that I think he thought I would leave and he was scared at the beginning of the relationship. However once we began "fighting" (any kind of intimate/intense conversation) he completely shut down. He seems very happy that we're not together and has never once initiated contact

That doesn't likely have to really do with you really it's more likely the guy just being an FA or DA felt trapped and endangered by the closeness and having to confront emotions up and left because that's what they do. Sorry that happened to you like that.

joanneg
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Posts: 41

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 26, 2017 1:04:45 GMT SpeakCzar likes this

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Post by joanneg on Jun 26, 2017 1:04:45 GMT

It really makes you not want to be in a relationship again... but then I guess you try and learn and set boundaries and not settle.... Im so glad that this relationship with my last DA only lasted 12 months and I am still young... A lot of my sadness comes from blaming myself and being disappointed that I accepted such crumbs of a relationship

sam
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Posts: 60

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 26, 2017 13:23:18 GMT via mobile

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Post by sam on Jun 26, 2017 13:23:18 GMT

I felt like that after my avoidant ex broke up with me. We were together 4 years, and it's been 11 months since breakup and still trying to process everything that happened.
It's not your fault the way he was with you, it's something at the core of him. It will take time to recover from your relationship but you will get there.

joanneg
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Posts: 41

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 27, 2017 0:04:27 GMT

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Post by joanneg on Jun 27, 2017 0:04:27 GMT

Thank you all for your messages and replies, it does help. I like this community here. I always check for new posts.

I cant help but think its all my fault and I have something wrong with me. That maybe I will never have a normal relationship.

Ive had normal relationships in the past so I dont know why i think like that.

I guess it is early days post break up(2 months), i just dont know how someone can be so cold towards the end.

I am looking at myself and trying to learn and see where I did go wrong so that I can personally develop for my next relationship.

My confidence is just at an all time low, I feel like i "turned" my ex into a DA. I feel like i must be so horrible/unbearable to be in a relationship that he had to just shut down and run away with no word. Its like a switch just went off.

Im scared hes going to meet someone new and be the great boyfriend that i always wanted him to be.

I feel like im getting stronger, I dont want to contact him but then every so often ill just have an underlying sadness in me and need to cry.

Time seems to be the only thing that helps and this forum.

I still cant believe that the anxious/avoidant trap has happened to so many people. I keep thinking surely this is just specific to me.

My DA's traits are SO textbook and when i read them i am almost still in disbelief. I keep thinking this has to be a coincidence. A coincidence of thousands of people.

I cant believe it when i read avoidant traits sometimes and it matches up so well that its scary.

sam
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Posts: 60

DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 27, 2017 12:07:47 GMT via mobile

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Post by sam on Jun 27, 2017 12:07:47 GMT

I agree, this forum has really helped me too.

I felt the same as you, I blamed myself and thought it was something I did. But looking back, before we had even been out for the first time there were red flags from him which I didn't notice, I got so many mixed signals at the start as to what was going on between us. And it progressively so much worse, it was horrendous at the end, I spent 4years not know what the hell was going on!

You are very early on in your recovery, I'm 11months on and still on my mind.

There was nothing you could have done to stop him treating you the way he did, unless he gets help he won't change.

My ex is with someone else now and has been for quite a while and I also wonder if he's changed and is treating her differently and better than me.
But again, yes he may be for now but I can't see how his personality can change that much without help. Unless she's completely secure and is happy to have separate lives.
Im a secure but I can quickly slip into anxious with the wrong person.
It will take you time to get over this and maybe some therapy which is what Ive realised I need but you will get through it.
Despite the fact my ex ended it, it was the one good thing he did for me.

learningalongtheway
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DA who lies? even white lies? Jun 29, 2017 16:52:59 GMT via mobile

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Post by learningalongtheway on Jun 29, 2017 16:52:59 GMT

I don't think that lying is a trait exclusive to DA at all. I had and anxious ex that would like about anything to keep the relationship going. He would like about his needs or interests to make us seem more compatible. And he would like about knowing certain people. If he felt there was any distance in the relationship, he would like and pretend he planned an expensive, romantic date. Lying is just another maladaptive action that people of all types use to get what they want out of a relationship.