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Post by joanneg on Jun 20, 2017 1:41:46 GMT
I am secure and anxious.. all in all a very wholesome person , eats well, exercises, no drugs, long terms good relationships... need to work on boundaries, seeing red flags etc.
very in touch with feelings and highly sensitive.. i pick up on the tiniest things...
just recently ended with DA (his choice) .. was awful cold break up that i didnt want.. my anxiety was through the roof...
I feel everything SO much ..
i almost wish i didnt .. my life would be a lot easier..
my DA seems extremely content and happy.. just plods a long in life.. nothing phases him... not many emotions
I almost wish i was dismissive avoidant like him sometimes.. it just seems easier
are there any benefits to being anxious? or sensitive as a person?
I wish i could put a blockage on having so many feelings/emotions...
the only thing i can think of is i am quite caring.. sensitive to other peoples needs, empathetic...
with friends this works.. but my DA has friends (although superficial) and these qualities i have seem to bring DA qualities out in partners...
so in a way whats the point? DA might have it the best really....
Is it bad that I think I should be a DA? it seems like a simple non complicated life ..
Ive heard big events in DA's life make them struggle... from what i can tell the end of the world wouldnt phase my last DA
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Post by gaynxious on Jun 21, 2017 18:48:24 GMT
Anxious people are quicker to notice danger, i.e. a fire, something suspicious, but largely we are also better able to detect people's moods, subtle facial expressions, and general state of relationships. Now we tend to err on the side of false positives, we sense danger when there is none or overestimate danger more often than we miss or underestimate danger. And we tend to be the slowest to act when danger is detected.
I've wondered if evolutionarily after anxious and avoidant styles developed some pressures created the tendency for anxious and avoidant individuals to be attracted to each other. While emotionally we are poor matches long term, in many ways we complement each other and make up for each other's short comings in a way that could produce a better adapted couple unit than two secures. While an anxious will notice danger soonest, an avoidant will act quickest once they become aware of danger. So by pairing up the anxious notices danger sooner than a secure and much sooner than an avoidant and if they can effectively communicate the danger to the avoidant the avoidant will act quickly. If the communication is effective this can result in a quicker resolution than a secure couple and much faster than either could have achieved on their own.
Anxious people also tend to have better memories. Memory is formed in implicit and explicit forms. Implicit is the emotional qualia to events, how you felt, explicit is the actual details, the events, the narrative. Implicit memory is longer lasting and often helps more in accessing memories, including the explicit aspects. Anxious people record their implicit memory more consistently and in more detail, allowing them to access it more readily and recall the explicit memory made in conjunction with it.
There are benefits and disadvantages to each attachment style, otherwise they would not exist. Your brain developed its attachment strategy because at some point in time that strategy worked. Now as an adult it is up to you to catalog your strengths and weaknesses and assess when your default strategy is effective, when it is maladaptive, and how to proceed based on that assessment.
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Post by gaynxious on Jun 21, 2017 19:02:58 GMT
I also want to address your assessment that DA's have it better. I don't want to get into a DA put down rant as there is enough of that on this blog at times. But what I will say is even though DA's may seem fine, in studies they report the most unhappiness. While many DA's may find relationships not to be worth while for them, relationships and their quality are consistently found to be very important in an individuals mental and emotional well being. While they personally may be better off alone, it does limit the potential available to them in life.
I'd also say that in some arenas at least their potential for personal growth is greatly hindered. My DA ex consumes a lot of media, fictional and nonfictional. I do as well, I find intellectual understanding very fulfilling as does he. Learning about attachment theory has greatly helped me process my feelings and out look. But I also learn from fiction. Without too many details, after our breakup I was watching a show and a child was about to leave home into adulthood and there was an exchange that in few words communicated that the child felt prepared for life and all the challenges it would present be they career, emotional, etc, due to her mother's parenting. In that moment I realized that I could not say the same to my father. And that was why my relationship with him was strained and why I had put u with my dissatisfaction with my DA for so long. My ex would be completely incapable of examining his feelings in response to a work of fiction. He would simply be like I'm having an emotional reaction because the scene is written to illicit that reaction. So in the same scenario, I gained insight and was able to assimilate it into positive change, whereas he would have completely been blind to the opportunity.
This is not a universal difference, many DA's can appreciate lessons from fiction, and not all are so cut off from the significance of their emotions. But in general I do think anxious people are capable of realizing lessons about themselves and experience the drive to change in response whereas DAs may miss these opportunities or even realizing, not be able to attain the motivation to make use of them.
I hope not to have offended anyone with this post. There are legitimate benefits to DA attachment and I recognize as an anxious I will prolly never eliminate my biases that may lead me to these lines of reasoning.
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Post by mrscuba on Jun 24, 2017 5:04:49 GMT
I am secure and anxious.. all in all a very wholesome person , eats well, exercises, no drugs, long terms good relationships... need to work on boundaries, seeing red flags etc. very in touch with feelings and highly sensitive.. i pick up on the tiniest things... just recently ended with DA (his choice) .. was awful cold break up that i didnt want.. my anxiety was through the roof... I feel everything SO much .. i almost wish i didnt .. my life would be a lot easier.. my DA seems extremely content and happy.. just plods a long in life.. nothing phases him... not many emotions I almost wish i was dismissive avoidant like him sometimes.. it just seems easier are there any benefits to being anxious? or sensitive as a person? I wish i could put a blockage on having so many feelings/emotions... the only thing i can think of is i am quite caring.. sensitive to other peoples needs, empathetic... with friends this works.. but my DA has friends (although superficial) and these qualities i have seem to bring DA qualities out in partners... so in a way whats the point? DA might have it the best really.... Is it bad that I think I should be a DA? it seems like a simple non complicated life .. Ive heard big events in DA's life make them struggle... from what i can tell the end of the world wouldnt phase my last DA DA's don't have it easier, really. Over time many start to realize that there is something that isn't completely right as life starts to pass them by and many people around them start to develop futures that depend on attachment and lead to family building. I know FA's and DA's that are now in their 40's and they all say that "had this gone different in my childhood with my parent I really think my life would have been better and I could have gotten along better with people that cared about me". If you think about it, just because they can seemingly cope amazingly well it doesn't mean they are truly the winners in these outcomes. I've even seen my ex gf cry and say in utter sadness after she's been getting help for this so late in life that "I just wish there was one good friend left that I didn't piss off by pushing away at some point . I've hurt and disrespected so many good people trying to save myself from a threat and insecurity that was completely unfounded and yet I always stuck with the losers that hurt me and did me wrong because I thought I deserved that and I was used to that treatment. I didn't know how to be comfortable around people that were sincerely nice to me". If you ask me... that's heavy and devastating stuff especially once they realize that maybe they really did wish they had kids and a good marriage. |
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Post by joanneg on Jun 26, 2017 0:41:11 GMT
Thank you to everyone for their comments. I guess it makes me feel a bit better.
In terms of being upset that he has hurt anyone that doesn't seem to bother my DA at all and it doesn't bother him about personal development either, he's very comfortable with himself , or so it seems.. I think deep down he is quite insecure and he relys on drugs a lot to help him relax and be in social situations...
I cant help but think and as it is noted in another thread of the topic "do avoidants change as as they get older?"
I feel like once my DA's friends/colleagues start seriously settling down , a lot of his issues with committing/opening up etc. will fall by the side and he will take his intimate relationships more seriously and will have to put more effort into them. My ex DA is 30 and so has plenty of years ahead to have a family and settle down.
So in a way it will work out for him in the end anyway?
I'm probably coming across as bitter. I just keep imagining that things with his next partner will be different yet he has so many textbook avoidance traits that its scary.
Its been over 2 months since we broke up. 2 months before that his distancing started , although in the 12 month relationship i was always on edge/anxious.
I know I need A LOT more time but my head is still a mess, still so hurt that the relationship was given up without a second thought.. or any conversation.
My DA seems so content in his life. Part of me is so hurt and angry and yet I envy him at the same time.
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Post by joanneg on Jul 4, 2017 5:26:26 GMT
I just came across link discussing studies with avoidants and anxious. At the general discussion end part of the article it explains that having felt such distress from the break up that the anxious in fact personally develops better and grows more than an avoidant would. As an anxious/secure this made me feel better , especially as I come out of a break up. I am slowly seeing light at the end of the tunnel. At least it all wasnt for nothing. journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0075161 |
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sam
Junior Member
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Post by sam on Jul 4, 2017 12:33:26 GMT
I completely agree, I've learnt a lot about myself through being in a relationship with an avoidant. I'm a secure that can move to anxious and have taken a lot of time to think things through.
Reading a lot really helped me too, I've also started reading about narcissists too after some advice from someone else on here and have learnt that my ex was very narcissistic , they have a lot of similar traits to avoidants.
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Post by robnew on Jul 4, 2017 16:46:01 GMT
I would also agree. As someone fairly secure, I found my last relationship incredibly confusing, especially the break up. It was only after reading that I got a much better understanding of why some people act and react in the way they do. In fact, reading up on it has helped in other areas, as I can see certain traits and behaviours in other people, which I couldn't relate to before, and now have a better understanding of.
Apart from the difficulties and confusion it causes when you're caught in the middle of it with someone, it's actually a very interesting subject. I've learnt a lot.
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