Post by elizincali on Jun 17, 2019 20:17:50 GMT
Dear group, I feel like i’ve found my tribe. i came across attachment theory when trying to understand my “boyfriend” (although never formally) and his behaviors, esp in regards to intimacy and sex.
We are currently No contact, for the umpteenth time, and might remain that way, but I still would like to know more about men like him.
i think i fall closer to the secure type (3 years out of a 25 year union) but the relationship with him triggered my own anxious attachments (being adopted at birth lends to some of my stuff, too)
i knew from the first week after our first date, that he was going to be a sporadic communicator and that at 52 yo never in a relationship for more than 1 yr and even then years between, i was dealing with someone different. despite that, we grew very close and i’ve learnwd now that my reaction (or lack of) is why he himself said he spent more time with me than any women ever. i don’t push. i give him space. days of it (which works well as i have young children, shared custody) it all seemed to work fine for both of us. i gently even humorously asked him once early on to “stop calling me so much” and he took it in stride and actually did text/call more during his frequent business travels. it truly felt instinctive to match his behavior. i respected it and felt like i understood him.
As we grew closer emotionally, however, he began to deactivate — a new term to me now.
the sex became more and more infrequent. where he used to kiss me upon meeting or put his arms around me while sleeping, he in the last month or two, has not touched me at all.
the last sexual encounter was initiated by me and i told him i felt uncomfortable doing this.
discussing intimacy is a huge trigger. he reacts by getting up and leaving my home when i ask him to help me understand. i have never protested and he usually comes back in a few days and then the cycle begins again.
after a break of one month (his idea, after i realize he had work stress trigger him to break off things with me) he promised to “leave me alone and stop contacting me). he shows an anxious side tho when he does that and calls more than ever. i relented and had him over. and then i made the mistake of asking him to “talk” and for the first time ever, he responded quite aggressively telling me i was making him uncomfortable and not respecting him.
he kept suggesting that we were “friends” but i made it clear that i desired him and a friendship would be difficult for me to accept.
this last argument, a week ago, left me in tears and clinging to him, physically bc i couldn’t bear the thought of losing him, again.
i know he cares about me. the lack of intimacy is a deal breaker for me , though and i don’t see a change in that, sadly. his language and triggers are so classic after reading these threads. the pulling away. the telling me i should find someone who can give me what i want. the talk of moving away. etc. i don’t push him but i realize i do need physical love as much as emotional (he’s never said the word but i never heard it from my ex husband or father either so i’m ok with it)
anyways; so long, and without much of a point. he was abused as a child and has shared a little but not much. also a 20yr dry addiction. i praise him for that recovery from time to time recognizing the success.
we had such a nice emotional connection. i miss him deeply but i’m at a loss. feel i need to protect my own heart a bit now
thank you for reading.
We are currently No contact, for the umpteenth time, and might remain that way, but I still would like to know more about men like him.
i think i fall closer to the secure type (3 years out of a 25 year union) but the relationship with him triggered my own anxious attachments (being adopted at birth lends to some of my stuff, too)
i knew from the first week after our first date, that he was going to be a sporadic communicator and that at 52 yo never in a relationship for more than 1 yr and even then years between, i was dealing with someone different. despite that, we grew very close and i’ve learnwd now that my reaction (or lack of) is why he himself said he spent more time with me than any women ever. i don’t push. i give him space. days of it (which works well as i have young children, shared custody) it all seemed to work fine for both of us. i gently even humorously asked him once early on to “stop calling me so much” and he took it in stride and actually did text/call more during his frequent business travels. it truly felt instinctive to match his behavior. i respected it and felt like i understood him.
As we grew closer emotionally, however, he began to deactivate — a new term to me now.
the sex became more and more infrequent. where he used to kiss me upon meeting or put his arms around me while sleeping, he in the last month or two, has not touched me at all.
the last sexual encounter was initiated by me and i told him i felt uncomfortable doing this.
discussing intimacy is a huge trigger. he reacts by getting up and leaving my home when i ask him to help me understand. i have never protested and he usually comes back in a few days and then the cycle begins again.
after a break of one month (his idea, after i realize he had work stress trigger him to break off things with me) he promised to “leave me alone and stop contacting me). he shows an anxious side tho when he does that and calls more than ever. i relented and had him over. and then i made the mistake of asking him to “talk” and for the first time ever, he responded quite aggressively telling me i was making him uncomfortable and not respecting him.
he kept suggesting that we were “friends” but i made it clear that i desired him and a friendship would be difficult for me to accept.
this last argument, a week ago, left me in tears and clinging to him, physically bc i couldn’t bear the thought of losing him, again.
i know he cares about me. the lack of intimacy is a deal breaker for me , though and i don’t see a change in that, sadly. his language and triggers are so classic after reading these threads. the pulling away. the telling me i should find someone who can give me what i want. the talk of moving away. etc. i don’t push him but i realize i do need physical love as much as emotional (he’s never said the word but i never heard it from my ex husband or father either so i’m ok with it)
anyways; so long, and without much of a point. he was abused as a child and has shared a little but not much. also a 20yr dry addiction. i praise him for that recovery from time to time recognizing the success.
we had such a nice emotional connection. i miss him deeply but i’m at a loss. feel i need to protect my own heart a bit now
thank you for reading.