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Post by lovebunny on Jun 24, 2019 19:18:11 GMT
hanna99 if it's any consolation, I was also recently blindsided when a FA dumped me. I thought things were great, she seemed really happy and into me.
I really like what Alexandra said above: "FA, it would feel like a switch flipped because they may use people-pleasing to avoid conflict as a defense mechanism or even be dissociated from their feelings... so it was more like, everything is fine!, then emotionally vomiting later on and it feeling like a huge shock. Yet still without being able to explain how they're feeling, even once they take action. (I used to think it was unwilling to explain, but at this point I truly believe they often don't actually know because they haven't worked through their attachment injury and are disconnected from themselves.)"
This sounds right to me. She would smile and giggle whenever we talked about intense emotions, an often couldn't say more than "I don't know," when asked how she felt about something. I don't think she knew she wanted to break up with me until very close to the moment she broke up with me. A switch flipped.
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Post by hannah99 on Jun 24, 2019 20:21:58 GMT
The more I learn, the more I think we both must be fa...but my understanding of fa was that it's rare and caused by significant trauma...which I dont think either of us experienced.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 24, 2019 21:51:07 GMT
The more I learn, the more I think we both must be fa...but my understanding of fa was that it's rare and caused by significant trauma...which I dont think either of us experienced. Often, but not necessarily. It can also be caused by a chaotic home and lack of attunement between primary adult caretakers and children. Have you taken an attachment style assessment? There are free ones online that are pretty accurate. |
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Post by hannah99 on Jun 25, 2019 6:39:03 GMT
Yeah I have the book Attached. He came out as da and I came out as fa. But that doesn't explain the times he begged for me back.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2019 11:26:53 GMT
Yeah I have the book Attached. He came out as da and I came out as fa. But that doesn't explain the times he begged for me back. You can't take a test for someone else. If he didn't take it it doesn't count. And as suggested the behavior sounds more FA but yours is what you've got to worry about, it's all you can effectively address. |
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Post by screwdisaster on Jun 25, 2019 12:01:35 GMT
They Think logning is love. They can be uncomftable getting their needs Met. Ain't that the truth :/ |
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Post by isildur4797 on Jul 5, 2019 15:36:41 GMT
hanna99 if it's any consolation, I was also recently blindsided when a FA dumped me. I thought things were great, she seemed really happy and into me. I really like what Alexandra said above: "FA, it would feel like a switch flipped because they may use people-pleasing to avoid conflict as a defense mechanism or even be dissociated from their feelings... so it was more like, everything is fine!, then emotionally vomiting later on and it feeling like a huge shock. Yet still without being able to explain how they're feeling, even once they take action. (I used to think it was unwilling to explain, but at this point I truly believe they often don't actually know because they haven't worked through their attachment injury and are disconnected from themselves.)" This sounds right to me. She would smile and giggle whenever we talked about intense emotions, an often couldn't say more than "I don't know," when asked how she felt about something. I don't think she knew she wanted to break up with me until very close to the moment she broke up with me. A switch flipped. I think this is what happened to me the other day. She said she realized she wasn't into me and that it "hit her like a brick". and i've had that happen personally before on my end of things, with other people... |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2019 17:58:28 GMT
My ex and I have broken up three times. The first, 6 months in, shortly after we'd said we loved each other for the first time and had a lovely time together. I accepted it and left things and a few days later he came back. The second, 2 years in, as we were viewing houses to move in together. I protested this time but after I gave up he came back again. The third and final time came a year later at a point when I felt we'd finally formed a healthy relationship that suited us both despite our very different ways of showing love and being intimate. We lived together, were moving forward and felt very close and then out if the blue...he left. It's very much over but I'm just trying to make sense of it all..is this dismissive attachment? Or something else? I don't think what you described more recently sounds healthy at all. Really, it's all just a cycle. I hope that you find the way forward to uncover what will set you free from it. It's really hard stuff. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 12, 2019 19:58:04 GMT
I was really shocked when he broke up with me. He'd been more attentive and loving than ever... I have an anxious attachment I think. -The rocky and unpredictable behaviors sound FA to me- desiring closeness and then pushing it away. If you were triggered anxious and being clingy and insecure or even perceived clingy, then it probably made him want to pull away even more to protect himself. Remember the FA wants to protect themselves from being hurt and vulnerable. I hope you can find a peaceful resolution within yourself. I know it’s tough. It helps me to not take things personally- hard when you love someone, but just like we can be triggered anxious and it’s not personal to the person triggering us (it may just be too much time and space for us), we can also trigger someone else’s trauma so they feel a need to retreat. |
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jules
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Post by jules on Jul 13, 2019 21:37:07 GMT
"I hope you can find a peaceful resolution within yourself. I know it’s tough. It helps me to not take things personally- hard when you love someone, but just like we can be triggered anxious and it’s not personal to the person triggering us (it may just be too much time and space for us), we can also trigger someone else’s trauma so they feel a need to retreat"
Wow.
Exactly what is going on. Total cycle.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 14, 2019 0:37:18 GMT
"I hope you can find a peaceful resolution within yourself. I know it’s tough. It helps me to not take things personally- hard when you love someone, but just like we can be triggered anxious and it’s not personal to the person triggering us (it may just be too much time and space for us), we can also trigger someone else’s trauma so they feel a need to retreat" Wow. Exactly what is going on. Total cycle. - Yes, I’ve been living it a couple years now. He’s currently ghosting me- progress for me, my anxiety is low and I’m doing my own thing. |
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