|
|
Post by areum0 on Jun 25, 2019 11:23:54 GMT
Hello, new to the thread. Got out of a relationship/situation-ship with a dismissive a few months ago. Did no contact for 3 months, but we are in contact again. I’ve been reading some of the other threads/posts on this site and they’ve been very helpful. But I’ve also been wondering. Has someone who reads as dismissive avoidant said to you “right now” before when ending a relationship? My DA is, despite everything, kind and sensitive when dealing with me for the most part but when he decided to abruptly end things (he’d been sick for some weeks and then his relative died and he had to help his parent get through it, around that time i asked him questions to gain clarity as to our status) he said something like he wasn’t sure if he was a relationship person and “it isn’t fair of me to give you the idea that we should be pursuing a relationship right now”. I said I wasn’t going to argue with him and he knew best what was best for him, and that I hoped we could be friends. Then he said again that he looked forward to maintain a friendship with me and anything more is too much right now. I just wondered if this seemed very conclusive, or if it seems like he might be confused. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
|
|
|
|
Post by areum0 on Jun 25, 2019 11:26:33 GMT
I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to let me down easy, and I wasn’t sure if this was the result of all the bad things happening at this time in his life. A few weeks prior we were closer than ever and planning to take off
Work to spend time together as well as talking about planning a trip together with friends, which he was on board with. So I don’t know if it was a matter of bad timing.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2019 13:01:33 GMT
I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to let me down easy, and I wasn’t sure if this was the result of all the bad things happening at this time in his life. A few weeks prior we were closer than ever and planning to take off Work to spend time together as well as talking about planning a trip together with friends, which he was on board with. So I don’t know if it was a matter of bad timing. I am DA. It is natural for DA to go head first into handling life stressors and prioritize them over relationship. We are accustomed and habituated to self-reliance. I do not know what you mean as far as asking questions about the status of the relationship. However, it sounds as if he was very clear and communicated to you very fairly (and probably very accurately) that he is not in relationship mode. It is possible that your concern over the relationship at a time that he was dealing with recent illness, death, grief, and supporting his parents, demonstrated to him your inability to be the partner he needs. At a time when he had pressing life issues to navigate, you inserted one of his lowest priorities into the mix. As for me, I prefer a partner that can allow me to handle the things I need to handle and recognize the limitations of my focus when crisis arises. There is a time to be supportive by standing back, in my opinion. There is definitely a wrong time to ask me about "how are we?" and when I am in the midst of navigating hardship and death and family dynamics is one. It seems quite self centered if I am to be blunt. I don't have all the details, only what you have shared. But I would end by saying , it's very common for AP to second guess and try to mind read a partner. He has spoken clearly and fairly about his own preferences. It's fair for take that at face value and respect it. If you have questions it is best to address them with him, openly and honestly; and let him speak for himself. |
|
mamut
Full Member
Posts: 212
|
Post by mamut on Jun 25, 2019 13:04:07 GMT
I've heard the "right now" in many stories, but I wouldn't give more thought to it. For me it's like hearing "it's not you,it's me", I put it in that category. What you shouldn't ignore is the fact that he can't handle a relationship, or he couldn't when he said that to you. Has anything changed since you reconnected?
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Jun 25, 2019 17:23:09 GMT
I’m FA, and if you’d have slipped that nugget into the mix at a time of extreme stress, I’d have got rid of you too. It’s too much!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 25, 2019 17:36:31 GMT
There's an entire how I met your mother episode around "right now" that is about keeping people strung along to soften things, and it seems quite accurate! But really, people with attachment issues, of all styles, tend to use open-ended words for various reasons (poor communicators, want to avoid conflict, don't feel secure enough in themselves to fully close the door on ANY options in life and like to stay on the fence, etc.). There's a lot of reasons someone might say that, but either 1. They'll heal on their own terms, change their minds, and let you know with actions and words aligning (this possibility is unlikely, and you shouldn't wait it out anyway) 2. You ask briefly(!) where he's at now that he's had space to process, and decide if things as they are right how are acceptable to you and always would be even if they never changed. If the answer is no, walk away (from the romantic hope at least, if you truly can and want to stay just friends, that's okay too).
|
|
|
|
Post by areum0 on Jun 25, 2019 17:58:11 GMT
Hi Sherry! I’m not sure how to link you to this comment- i asked him about the relationship once he was feeling better- then while I was waiting to hear from him his relative died.
|
|
|
|
Post by areum0 on Jun 25, 2019 18:02:16 GMT
I've heard the "right now" in many stories, but I wouldn't give more thought to it. For me it's like hearing "it's not you,it's me", I put it in that category. What you shouldn't ignore is the fact that he can't handle a relationship, or he couldn't when he said that to you. Has anything changed since you reconnected? Hi, currently things are slow going. He wrote me a really nice reply (like his old self) when I sent him an email “postcard” of my recent vacation. He didn’t seem cold and standoffish. I’m not sure how things will progress from here, but I’m comfortable going slowly. I hope we can at least establish a friendship again... |
|
|
|
Post by areum0 on Jun 25, 2019 18:05:15 GMT
I’m FA, and if you’d have slipped that nugget into the mix at a time of extreme stress, I’d have got rid of you too. It’s too much!!! Sorry I should have been clear- I asked him in an email when he was feeling better what he thought about everything and if the timing was off or wasn’t feeling it that he could let me know and we could totally talk about it. No pressure on my end. While waiting to hear back from him he eventually let me know someone in his family passed away after I’d emailed him |
|
mamut
Full Member
Posts: 212
|
Post by mamut on Jun 25, 2019 18:55:38 GMT
Hi, currently things are slow going. He wrote me a really nice reply (like his old self) when I sent him an email “postcard” of my recent vacation. He didn’t seem cold and standoffish. I’m not sure how things will progress from here, but I’m comfortable going slowly. I hope we can at least establish a friendship again... What worries me is if you still have feelings for him. You use the phrase "going slowly" and that shows, for me at least, anticipation for something more. What are your goals since you reconnected? |
|
|
|
Post by areum0 on Jun 25, 2019 19:24:37 GMT
Hi, currently things are slow going. He wrote me a really nice reply (like his old self) when I sent him an email “postcard” of my recent vacation. He didn’t seem cold and standoffish. I’m not sure how things will progress from here, but I’m comfortable going slowly. I hope we can at least establish a friendship again... What worries me is if you still have feelings for him. You use the phrase "going slowly" and that shows, for me at least, anticipation for something more. What are your goals since you reconnected? It’s hard to say really. I think above everything I really miss our friendship. The romantic side was an extra cherry on top but I haven’t really had that kind of connection with anyone before. We were so similar. It’s funny. Even the place I just went to on vacation was a place he apparently has always wanted to visit (we never talked about it), it’s not the most widely known place etc etc. He was a comforting presence in my life and I think he felt the same. |
|
mamut
Full Member
Posts: 212
|
Post by mamut on Jun 25, 2019 19:36:13 GMT
Oh I know the feeling! That's exactly how I felt with my recent ex, as if we lived two different lives, yet came to the same conclusions. Then he signed out; "it's getting too serious and I can't handle a relationship right now", but he did want is to continue being friends.
If contacting him again doesn't make you feel anxious, if the possibility of him saying that he's moved on, or is dating etc, doesn't make you feel bad and all, then I'd say go for it and whatever happens, happens. I can't advise you well as to how to reconcile; I've never truly persuaded reconciliation with any of my exes. Just be aware that he might up and leave again at any time if he truly is an avoidant. And I can also say for sure, that if you want to get back together, talk about it first. Don't go blindly in holding your breath. Talk about it thoroughly.
|
|
|
|
Post by areum0 on Jun 25, 2019 19:40:43 GMT
Oh I know the feeling! That's exactly how I felt with my recent ex, as if we lived two different lives, yet came to the same conclusions. Then he signed out; "it's getting too serious and I can't handle a relationship right now", but he did want is to continue being friends. If contacting him again doesn't make you feel anxious, if the possibility of him saying that he's moved on, or is dating etc, doesn't make you feel bad and all, then I'd say go for it and whatever happens, happens. I can't advise you well as to how to reconcile; I've never truly persuaded reconciliation with any of my exes. Just be aware that he might up and leave again at any time if he truly is an avoidant. And I can also say for sure, that if you want to get back together, talk about it first. Don't go blindly in holding your breath. Talk about it thoroughly. Thank you for your thoughts! I appreciate it, truly. I thought to myself that if we were able to achieve some sense of normalcy then I could feel the situation out (how I felt , how he may feel) and we can talk about it openly. For Ke I was thinking to just act like a friend, y’know? Since nothing has changed, for me at least, on that score. |
|
