Can A Secure Have A Friendship With A DA Or FA?

I have DA and FA friends. Sometimes they will disappear, not answer and come back later like if nothing happened. I thought it was a little bit strange in the beginning but I got used to that. I’m not easy triggered in friendships because I have a pretty many friends. So while my DA and FA friends disappear I am having fun with my others friends.

My boyfriend is a DA and that is a little bit harder, maybe because I don’t have other boyfriends to have fun while my boyfriend is taking some time for himself 😉😂. For me it’s easier to get “triggered” (not in a very AP way, a little bit maybe) in romantic relationships 😊

What is there to be frustrated about? If you can't take someone as they are then that's your answer.
Not every DA is the same. Not every FA is the same. Friendship compatibility is down to showing up as mutually is comfortable.

I found it difficult not to get frustrated especially when the DA disappears and dismisses when you try to resolve conflict or disagreements.

You don't take the inconsistency personally, and you have no need to dwell on the friendship when flakiness happens. You know who they are and accept them as is. You don't worry about a power imbalance because it just doesn't matter (do you want to be their friend as is, to whatever extent they can provide or not? Make the decision and stick with it unless something happens that really changes your mind). In general, regardless of attachment style, different people have different roles in your life, and you can't expect the same traits and behaviors across the board. What's your tolerance for different traits and behaviors?

Inconsistent also isn't the same thing as mean or abusive. If a friend is always sincerely nice and happy to see you but can be flakey, that's one thing. But don't accept unkind behavior by excusing it with attachment theory.

I have some very close DA friends of decades that I think I can rely on in an emergency, but I'd never expect to see them often or have deep and extensive heart-to-heart conversations with them about their innermost feelings about whatever personal topic. Intellectually, sure, but not personal. They're good people, but consistently emotionally distant, and always have been since we were kids, with pretty much everyone. I don't project other expectations on them, and I have other friends for heart to hearts. I also have some long term FA friends that I'd never rely on in an emergency but can have intense conversations with. I've also had avoidant friendships and anxious friendships just fade out eventually (or blow up, when I got overly anxious and took things too personally).

You can also be acquaintances more than friends, if labels help manage your own expectations at all.

Yes! We weren’t in a serious relationship before but now we are. I think I wrote about it somewhere on this forum

A platonic friendship with a DA is different from a post-intimate relationship with a DA.
If you harbor any romantic feelings or hope with a DA, the friendship will not be happy for you. There is a natural ebb and flow between two platonic DA that is comfortable and rewarding for both. An intimate relationship (romantic/sexual) requires and provides a more consistent day to day dynamic even with two DA if they are serious.

I am DA/securish in a friendship with a DA ex, and my inner circle is made of DA females.

My DA ex and I maintain consistency as we did during our sexual involvement. We are not in a relationship but neither of us is comfortable without consistency because our bond was and is such.

My DA female friends and I enjoy intimate emotional relating as support when needed. Otherwise, our contact is sporadic, friendly, and light. We know each other's "big deal" issues and check in with each other on those. We each tend to be in our bubbles doing our own thing. For instance, one of my friends is a solitary adventurist and is always training for some big athletic event, such as a triathalon or some extreme running event, in addition to being a dedicated single parent and working full time. So, we get together rarely but warmth and connection is always assumed. In need, we freely reach out and respond quickly. We have each other's backs. Reliably.

I am solitary by nature, and am not adventuresome but enjoy studying and time in nature, in addition to working my own business and raising teenagers. My down time is always prioritized for them, and for my solitude. A very social friend base is not up my alley.

So, it's all about what kind of animal you are. I find that I connect most deeply with other DA. The empathy and understanding is easy. I am more aware than most of my connections and so bring the openness quite often. The way we get each other and share similarities opens the door to deep and needed emotional support and understanding and encouragement.

A DA friend is likely to be blunt and while sympathetic, ultimately coming from a place of emphasizing personal responsibility and empowerment in difficulties. So, other types may find the kind of support and advice we give each other to be harsh or unsympathetic. This could create difficulty if it is not understood that the DA comes from that place naturally without malice or meanness.

We do not tend to view each other as flaky. We seem to be comfortable with an ebb and flow that does not feel disappointing nor unreliable, as our primary support and entertainment and emotional/companionship needs are met internally, and delays in communication are not taken personally or as rudeness. I do not expect a reply of my friend is engaged otherwise. I will happily wait my turn in his or her life and they will happily do the same- the connection flows more loosely but is not weak.

That is the best I can do to describe friendship dynamics from my own DA perspective.