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Post by slowlybutsurely on Jul 5, 2019 2:40:56 GMT
Dear Internet, About a month ago a Fearful Avoidant brought me to a park, and aggressively broke up with me out of the blue. The weekend before, we were laying in that same park cuddling, kissing, and enjoying the world as the day passed by. But a week later, she couldn't determine if she had 'romantic feelings' and had made the decision 'that morning' to end things. It was as though I was sitting there with another person—she was stoic, cold-hearted and defensive. It was a mere 3-months of dating, yet the addictive quality of it all was bewildering, and, even though I didn't want to admit it to myself, I had fallen in love. Oh how I wish I could control my heart. For the first time in many years I had actually wanted to be with the mind/soul/being that was in front of me. I'm not going to pretend like there weren't copious amounts of red flags, but I was willing to be patient and calm in spite of it all because my intuitive sense had this 'feeling'. Also, there's something about that feeling of constantly walking on nails and eggshells, and then that moment when they suddenly offer you a teeny tiny flower, that is blinding ... even though every step to that next flower feels like more nails. It's like you know you shouldn't stay, but you can't stop yourself. Loving this Fearful Avoidant was like a drug, and I only became aware of it as my Secure tendencies started to wither and I became anxious, confused, and emaciated. I've since reached out to try and find a way to meet, and erase the memory of that monster in the park ... but I've only been met with silence. So closure, as it should be, will have to be found within myself. A few friends have said 'you can't change her', which drove me nuts. Not one time did I sit there and think to myself "I can change her." Or, "We're so great she'll change for me". What I did realize, however, was that I was fundamentally trying to change the parts of me that make me ME. I want to kiss someone the first moment they walk through the door. I want to tell them I have a crush on them. I want to work towards monogamy. I want to spend an unbounded amount of time together. I want to aimlessly make out on the couch. I want to bring home a surprise gift, because that's just what I do. But, I was making the choice to not do any of those things because that wasn't her vision of how this should all work. Instead, I was focussed on how to avoid stepping on nails and how to make things feel easier for her. Ultimately, made choices that caused me to lose site of me ... and she was confronted with an anxious version of me. Friends, please don't lose sight of yourself. It's okay to need affirmation, it's okay to want to be committed, it's okay to want to just say I love you without fear. It's also okay for an FA to be fearful, to be nervous about intimacy, to be confused about what 'feelings' they are feeling. These are things we cannot easily change about ourselves. I see that now from both sides. I wish I could say this to her, tell her what I've realized, but instead, I wanted to share this with all of you. Anyway, I'm an illustrator and I using drawings as a way to process emotions, and as part of this breakup I've put together a few drawings of what my experience was like dating an FA. I suspect these will be relatable to many of you seeking out advice after a breakup with an FA. They were cathartic to make, but also shocking (see below), as they are so on point with all of the emotions I experienced on this endless roller coaster ride. The ride I chose to stay on—it's important to own that. To the FAs out there, I know none of these subsequent emotions are your intention, and there's probably a whole set of illustrations you would make. I know you don't mean to be hurtful, or disrespectful, or any of those negative things. I know you are just trying to protect yourself. Yet, I also know, the receiving end of that quest for protection hurts like hell as does the choice to stay in it. Ultimately, in avoiding her own trauma, and in my own willingness to standby, new trauma has been passed on to me. Thank you for listening. We are all just humans trying to get by, I just wish there was some peace and closure at the end of this tunnel. DatingAnAvoidant2.pdf (1013.98 KB) |
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Post by happyidiot on Jul 5, 2019 3:50:36 GMT
What makes you think you are secure?
I can't see your drawing without downloading it, unfortunately.
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Post by mrob on Jul 5, 2019 8:07:46 GMT
If I were half the illustrator you are, I could possibly draw the FA version of that.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 5, 2019 9:38:53 GMT
Dear Internet, About a month ago a Fearful Avoidant brought me to a park, and aggressively broke up with me out of the blue. The weekend before, we were laying in that same park cuddling, kissing, and enjoying the world as the day passed by. But a week later, she couldn't determine if she had 'romantic feelings' and had made the decision 'that morning' to end things. It was as though I was sitting there with another person—she was stoic, cold-hearted and defensive. It was a mere 3-months of dating, yet the addictive quality of it all was bewildering, and, even though I didn't want to admit it to myself, I had fallen in love. Oh how I wish I could control my heart. For the first time in many years I had actually wanted to be with the mind/soul/being that was in front of me (I say that speaking as a Secure). I'm not going to pretend like there weren't copious amounts of red flags, but I was willing to be patient and calm in spite of it all because my intuitive sense had this 'feeling'. Also, there's something about that feeling of constantly walking on nails and eggshells, and then that moment when they suddenly offer you a teeny tiny flower, that is blinding ... even though every step to that next flower is just more nails. It's like you know you shouldn't stay, but you can't stop yourself. Loving the Fearful Avoidant is like a drug, and I only became aware of it as my Secure tendencies started to wither and as I became anxious, confused, and emaciated. I've since reached out to try and find a way to meet, and erase the memory of that monster in the park ... but I've only been met with silence. So closure, as it should be, will have to be found within myself. A few friends have said 'you can't change her', which drove me nuts. Not one time did I sit there and think to myself "I can change her." Or, "We're so great she'll change for me". What I did realize, however, was that I was fundamentally trying to change the parts of me that make me ME. I want to kiss someone the first moment they walk through the door. I want to tell them I have a crush on them. I want to work towards monogamy. I want to spend an unbounded amount of time together. I want to aimlessly make out on the couch. I want to bring home a surprise gift, because that's just what I do. But, I was making the choice to not do any of those things. Instead, I was focussed on how to avoid stepping on nails and how to make things feel easier for her. Ultimately, I lost site of me. Friends, please don't lose site of yourself. It's okay to need affirmation, it's okay to want to be committed, it's okay to want to just say I love you without fear. It's also okay for an FA to be fearful, to be nervous about intimacy, to be confused about what 'feelings' they are feeling. These are things we cannot easily change about ourselves. I see that now. I wish I could say this to her, tell her what I've realized, but instead, I wanted to share this with all of you. Anyway, I'm an illustrator and I using drawings as a way to process emotions, and as part of this breakup I've put together a few drawings of what my experience was like dating an FA. I suspect these will be relatable to many of you seeking out advice. They were cathartic to make, but also shocking (see below), as they are so on point with all of the emotions I experienced on this endless roller coaster ride. The ride I chose to stay on—it's important to own that. To the FAs out there, I know none of these subsequent emotions are your intention. I know you don't mean to be hurtful, or disrespectful, or any of those negative things. I know you are just trying to protect yourself. Yet, I also know, the receiving end of that quest for protection hurts like hell. Ultimately, in avoiding your own trauma new trauma has been passed on to me. Thank you for listening. We are all just humans trying to get by. I am sorry the relationship did not end up the way you had it in your head.....there may have been red flags for her as well...which is why she ultimately decided to break up with you. All of those things you wanted to do sound great...for you....what I am missing is whether your vision aligned with hers. I understand the hurt and anger you feel....a break up is never easy...but blame avoids seeing your role in things. |
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 5, 2019 11:33:36 GMT
Oh how I can relate to your drawing...
I let it go on longer than I should as well and allowed it. I own it.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jul 5, 2019 16:42:28 GMT
I can relate to your post and drawings especially the phantom x one...that one actually made me laugh. my x also became stoic and like a stranger to me when he cut me off. and now that he's going thru more losses there is no way to even be friends for me i wasn't looking for a relationship just someine to hang out with...he was the one that initiated it all...literally in an hour he went from happy texts to cold and business like all triggered by us kissing and him feeling he was cheating on his ghost.
i let that go on for a month and held out hope and then my anxiety got the best of me and he ended it mine lasted four months most of it was as friends or so i thought
im sorry you too had to go thru this and your right closure has to come from within they will not give it to you
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Post by anapol on Jul 6, 2019 5:01:29 GMT
If I were half the illustrator you are, I could possibly draw the FA version of that. I think it would be helpful to see those even if they're not super good. |
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Post by ocarina on Jul 6, 2019 13:05:27 GMT
Dear Internet, About a month ago a Fearful Avoidant brought me to a park, and aggressively broke up with me out of the blue. The weekend before, we were laying in that same park cuddling, kissing, and enjoying the world as the day passed by. But a week later, she couldn't determine if she had 'romantic feelings' and had made the decision 'that morning' to end things. It was as though I was sitting there with another person—she was stoic, cold-hearted and defensive. It was a mere 3-months of dating, yet the addictive quality of it all was bewildering, and, even though I didn't want to admit it to myself, I had fallen in love. Oh how I wish I could control my heart. For the first time in many years I had actually wanted to be with the mind/soul/being that was in front of me (I say that speaking as a Secure). I'm not going to pretend like there weren't copious amounts of red flags, but I was willing to be patient and calm in spite of it all because my intuitive sense had this 'feeling'. Also, there's something about that feeling of constantly walking on nails and eggshells, and then that moment when they suddenly offer you a teeny tiny flower, that is blinding ... even though every step to that next flower is just more nails. It's like you know you shouldn't stay, but you can't stop yourself. Loving the Fearful Avoidant is like a drug, and I only became aware of it as my Secure tendencies started to wither and as I became anxious, confused, and emaciated. I've since reached out to try and find a way to meet, and erase the memory of that monster in the park ... but I've only been met with silence. So closure, as it should be, will have to be found within myself. A few friends have said 'you can't change her', which drove me nuts. Not one time did I sit there and think to myself "I can change her." Or, "We're so great she'll change for me". What I did realize, however, was that I was fundamentally trying to change the parts of me that make me ME. I want to kiss someone the first moment they walk through the door. I want to tell them I have a crush on them. I want to work towards monogamy. I want to spend an unbounded amount of time together. I want to aimlessly make out on the couch. I want to bring home a surprise gift, because that's just what I do. But, I was making the choice to not do any of those things. Instead, I was focussed on how to avoid stepping on nails and how to make things feel easier for her. Ultimately, I lost site of me. Friends, please don't lose site of yourself. It's okay to need affirmation, it's okay to want to be committed, it's okay to want to just say I love you without fear. It's also okay for an FA to be fearful, to be nervous about intimacy, to be confused about what 'feelings' they are feeling. These are things we cannot easily change about ourselves. I see that now. I wish I could say this to her, tell her what I've realized, but instead, I wanted to share this with all of you. Anyway, I'm an illustrator and I using drawings as a way to process emotions, and as part of this breakup I've put together a few drawings of what my experience was like dating an FA. I suspect these will be relatable to many of you seeking out advice. They were cathartic to make, but also shocking (see below), as they are so on point with all of the emotions I experienced on this endless roller coaster ride. The ride I chose to stay on—it's important to own that. To the FAs out there, I know none of these subsequent emotions are your intention. I know you don't mean to be hurtful, or disrespectful, or any of those negative things. I know you are just trying to protect yourself. Yet, I also know, the receiving end of that quest for protection hurts like hell. Ultimately, in avoiding your own trauma new trauma has been passed on to me. Thank you for listening. We are all just humans trying to get by. I think you have a good handle on this - slowly but surely in this kind of inconsistent relationship you begin to lose yourself. It's very painful to separate from someone in this way - but worse in the long term to separate from yourself. It's a slippery slope. |
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Post by slowlybutsurely on Jul 6, 2019 16:57:55 GMT
If I were half the illustrator you are, I could possibly draw the FA version of that. Give me the bullet points and I will make a few versions from your perspective! I'd be more than happy to do that—there are two sides to ever story. I think that could actually be incredibly beautiful. |
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Post by slowlybutsurely on Jul 6, 2019 17:00:39 GMT
I am sorry the relationship did not end up the way you had it in your head.....there may have been red flags for her as well...which is why she ultimately decided to break up with you. All of those things you wanted to do sound great...for you....what I am missing is whether your vision aligned with hers. I understand the hurt and anger you feel....a break up is never easy...but blame avoids seeing your role in things. Couldn't agree more. Truly. I hold as much responsibility for the end of our relationship as she does. What's hard is my willingness to own that and admit that, and her unwillingness to do the same. I don't blame her, or me. I just feel sadness that a lack of aligned vision requires such an aggressive ending. Though thank you for keeping me in check. |
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Post by slowlybutsurely on Jul 6, 2019 17:03:14 GMT
What makes you think you are secure? I can't see your drawing without downloading it, unfortunately. A deep unwavering willingness to offer love, to be intimate, and to know what is and is not mine to stay in. To know my boundaries, and to know me ... all pillars of myself that were lost towards the end of this relationship. In this dynamic I became the most anxious I have ever been in my life. |
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Post by 8675309 on Jul 7, 2019 2:13:33 GMT
What makes you think you are secure? I can't see your drawing without downloading it, unfortunately. A deep unwavering willingness to offer love, to be intimate, and to know what is and is not mine to stay in. To know my boundaries, and to know me ... all pillars of myself that were lost towards the end of this relationship. In this dynamic I became the most anxious I have ever been in my life. Can so relate to this too. This is how I stumbled on attachment, Ive never been anxious and wanted to know what was wrong with me!
I test in the 3-5% range for anxiousness and he triggered me like I was a full on AP. My secure base kept me in check to not chase, protest, etc but I certainly had inner turmoil I was dealing with alone.
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Post by toorational on Jul 11, 2019 19:40:37 GMT
Wow, thanks for these drawings, they resonate so much for me about the relationship with my ex DA and to some extent my current gf. Especially the priorities and time schedule drawings. I can't see how someone can have a normal relationship with such an extreme DA. But I totally see how it can be intoxicating and like a drug. I was addicted to my ex. But fortunately, once you understand the unhealthy dynamic, it makes it easier to wean yourself from your ex and understand that the relationship was doomed to fail from the start. You'll be in a better position to choose a suitable partner next time.
Good luck.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 12, 2019 20:49:13 GMT
If I were half the illustrator you are, I could possibly draw the FA version of that. Haha I can only imagine! My 20/20 hindsight into myself has been incredibly hard to see!! |
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laney
New Member
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Post by laney on Jul 15, 2019 12:21:46 GMT
Very nice drawings!
Some thoughts from a FA:
I do recognize some of my behaviors when trying to meet someone who is interested in me, especially the one where the whole week is full and I just have a tiny little slot available... I had 'suitors' interested in me, who I managed to meet one or two times only with a 6 month time frame. Same as with the text conversations.... The reason I did this was because I always saw a chance... if there wasn't I would have told the person that it wouldn't work right away... but I did see a chance... but I never felt as much as I thought I should have when I acted that way.
From a FA perspective
It is NOT a good idea ever to get smaller.... If the other person gets 'smaller' there will be less emotional connection, less interest... I never wanted the other person to be smaller... just less anger and less hurt.... but I always wanted more attention and more 'something'...
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