Do avoidants change as they get older

I guess maybe they would be more committed due to necessity because their friends are settling down and are less available rather than because they really want to.
When my exs friend got married last year he said he was only doing it because his girlfriend wanted to.

I am female and have recently been on the receiving end of an apparent F-A ending our budding relationship (same-sex) as we started to get close, and i was blindsided by her cold, analytical withdrawal. This was my first overt experience with this dynamic. It made me research and discover this "Attachment Theory" stuff.

She is 60 years old. She has a dog as her constant companion, I assume something to cuddle that won't demand anything tricky of her, such as emotional interactions; a project to focus on that also provides a buffer between her and direct interaction with another person.

This experience made me reflect on a previous unrequited experience, with a woman in her mid 50's. She also got two dogs to distract her from her inner emptiness and loneliness, I realize. Same experience being rebuffed before we really got started, but less harsh. ...As someone else mentioned, their F-A seemed to have the emotional intelligence of a 15-year-old. I see that as well.

These are women who are comfortable being alone and independent. While they may feel somewhat unnerved that they are unable to partner, it is not enough for them to get introspective about it and realize there is something wrong.  This most recent one says she has friends over socially, who are all partnered, and she is apparently the single one. Maybe it is affecting her. .

..I don't know--maybe I was a step in the right direction for both of them--at least I was someone who was (I think) secure, and not a dismissive, as it seems they were drawn to prior to myself, from what they shared with me; though i suspect they go back and forth.

Yes, in reading around on this forum, I should feel grateful I didn't get drawn in to a long-term relationship with this woman. It seemed to play out quickly, and I realized that she had "issues" by her breaking this off abruptly and coldly.  Very glad I came across Attachment Theory to explain this, though, or I would have suffered longer. Still, it is a hurtful sting to endure, for anyone with a heart...and sad, for anyone with compassion, to see the other person in this lonely prison.  ...And those glimpses and memories of the brief moments of them being vulnerable and happy ("in love?") with you--it's like crack, to keep you pursuing this impossible dream, as we see with the many posts here by those who have been on the receiving end of this dynamic.

...With the first woman, about five years ago...I was at her house (which she admitted was the first time she'd had anyone over, other than her daughter), and she looked at her DOG and said, with respect to me, "I hope she'll stay, don't you?" (?!) ...Oh, the trail of clues I now see that point to this F-A dynamic!

She would say these types of things, apropos of nothing, and then carry on as if it hadn't been said. I started wondering if I had only imagined these things she'd said, since the rest of our interaction was maddeningly more as "acquaintances," I would say.

The dogs were late additions in both of these women's lives, after the project of raising children was over. This recent one is retired and has made a serious hobby out of taking the dog to the dog park, almost every day. She talked about the different couples that regularly brought their dogs there and with whom she chats. ...She perhaps is hoping for a similar arrangement, with a partner who will focus on the dog, rather than directly on her.

I did ask this recent woman "Is the dog always with you?" regarding her always having to bring the dog anywhere we went...which now I assume she silently perceived as just one more "judgment" from me, that added up to her judicious assessment via email that we weren't suited for each other because our "thought processes" were different.


EDIT: on the other hand, these women may be closer to Dismissives. This is still a murky distinction to me.  The posts on the DA thread sound relatable in many ways.

I know a couple in their early twenties who are working on their attachment styles and also know folks in their mid forties who claim they'd rather give up relationships altogether than have to go through the hard work of being more securely attached. An avoidant avoids and so while he or she may have vulnerable moments of seeing how his or her behavior and negative internal dialog affects the ability to bond and feel genuinely, mutually fulfilled in a relationship, the next day is a new day and often times he or she goes back to what comes easy - avoiding, and being preoccupied with work, hobbies, etc. In my opinion, changing ones attachment style to being a secure requires a level of mindfulness and being self aware. I think it may be more difficult for older avoidants to change simply because its been ingrained in them for so long but definitely not always the case. Maturity and the ability to self reflect and have empathy, I feel would be more the deciding factors. Also, being able to see past failures as a learning experience rather than just a failure, is important to building a more positive attitude that promotes self growth.

I don't think they change with age, unless they seek professional help and stick to it. Changing your core beliefs is very difficult and requires dedication and sacrifice. I believe that change only happens when the fear of staying the same is greater than the fear of changing, so as long as they're more "comfortable" with avoiding and "enablers" will stay around them, nothing really happens. Plus they need to admit they have problems in the first place and most avoidants are just not this self-aware. And even if self-aware: this is not enough to make lasting changes. You have to make adjustments in order to be able to respond differently and it can take years of hard work before fully integrated.

Yes, it is very sad. Some may know something is wrong, I think my ex did on some level, but when we talked about going to therapy, one day he would say "I think it would be helpful" and the next day he would say "why would I do that? I'm not crazy!".

As an AP I'm currently in therapy and I have to admit, it is very very hard and it triggers my avoidant tendencies. Everytime I go there I shit my pants because I'm so scared, so sometimes I just want to run away and never look back. I cry a lot. I get angry a lot. And I can only imagine that this is probably how DAs/FAs feel on the inside 24/7 when they're in a relationship. They want to be there, but it triggers them so much that they rather just walk away. It really is the easiest way out and I understand that now, it's just not beneficial in the longrun.