|
|
Post by cubsman on Jun 25, 2017 0:49:13 GMT
Hello, I am in the process of reading your book How To Love or Leave a Dismissive Partner. I am a Dismissive Avoidant. Didn't know it until now. I have been married for 12 years and love and care for my wife with all my heart. My wife is an anxious preoccupied. She said for years she has felt lonely, undesirable and insignificant. We are not that intimate, though recently have been as divorce is a real possibility. I admit i have my faults and am currently working on them. Even though this isnt the first time it has come up in our marriage, my wife says that she has nothing more to give. I do not want us to get a divorce as i really do love and care for her. Your book is opening my eyes and it does sometimes feel like a punch to the gut. We have 2 kids and have a home. She feels like i do not love her like a husband should love a wife. We both agree we are each others best friend. I hate that she is in pain and i do not want her to hurt. I really want to make a difference in our relationship. I am going to find someone to talk to about me being an avoidant dismissive. Just kind of looking for some insight from you as i do not want to lose her.
|
|
|
|
Post by howpredictable on Jun 26, 2017 21:17:56 GMT
I'm not surprised you have not received replies here, because most of the other regular posters are on the Anxious side of the equation, rather than the Avoidant side. (I'm both; I recently ended a relationship with a highly-Avoidant man, which made me more Anxious/Preoccupied. But in virtually all of my previous relationships I am the Avoidant one).
I commend you for the self-awareness you have shown, and for the willingness to make changes. The problem is, these are deep-seated issues that come from childhood wounds, and they take time to address, much less "fix" (if that's even possible). Being self-aware is a great start, but you have a lifetime of behavior patterns that may be very difficult to break.
(Case in point: I had a date today, a new guy who seems very eager to please, and I'd say somewhat Anxious in his orientation. He brought flowers; he asked me when I was free next.... fairly ardent pursuit. Even though I'm very self-aware, I know my own triggers, but I started getting anxious in the middle of the meal and have been unsettled ever since, and it's been hours. My Avoidance is triggered and now I just want to avoid his calls and run away. There is little I can do, except some mindfulness exercises that only help a little).
Your wife's loneliness comes from 12 years of living with you. I don't think you can promise her immediate and lasting change, but you can make her aware of the underlying dynamic (your Dismissive Avoidance) and you can have her do some reading about what that entails, and you can ask her to work with you to identify and manage some of your anxieties and struggles. If she is willing, then you will also have to commit to putting yourself in a situation where you stretch yourself out of your comfort zone, to try and meet her needs.
I know this is such a hard spot for you. We people with Avoidance issues are handicapped from being able to make the types of emotional connections that people need. I think long-term therapy is the only real solution, coupled with some short-term pain/discomfort on both your behalf to work through it.
Good luck with your journey. I am really rooting for you both.
|
|
|
|
Post by howpredictable on Jun 26, 2017 21:20:26 GMT
PS. I am not Jeb Kinnison, who is the book's author. I'm just a person posting on the Forum. I don't know if Jeb actually replies to questions here. But I wanted to make clear that I'm not him.
|
|
guava
New Member
Posts: 19 
|
Post by guava on Jul 3, 2017 21:43:18 GMT
I think it's great that you are so willing to fix the situation. Being aware is so important! Is your wife willing to go to therapy with you? Also, is your wife willing to learn about and understand DA?
|
|
