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Post by faithopelove on Jul 16, 2019 17:34:20 GMT
Apologies for the delay... it's been an interesting couple of days (which I'll get to in a minute). I remember also feeling that other families had warmth and mine didn't... it wasn't that it was all sadness, but it just wasn't the warmth other people had. It's hard to be softer in those situations sometimes. I think I took the "softer" side cause it hurt my feelings when my mom always was the stern one. It's good though for you to know that's where you come from and to have soften up and be aware of it all... I think it makes it easier not to grow a cold heart. As for fear and abandonment, how to face that... I don't know what exactly I need to do. I'm working with an online therapist as I'm going through a period away from my regular therapist— which I miss dearly. I'll def check out Anne12's thread. This weekend I saw my DA/FA after about a month and 1/2 of seeing each other (with texting throughout that). The more I think about it, the more I think he's FA. I didn't bring up any of the issues and hurt I'd had from our last conversation / distance. I just was super lighthearted, made him laugh, talked, and cuddled, etc. I know he's just starting his depression treatment, and I didn't want to be a source of pressure— as we talked about. I wanted to be a "soft place for him to land," and he kept asking why I'm so nice to him and that I was a good distraction from life. Also, it's so crazy how much affection through physical touch we have (not sex as we didn't have it this time, certain time for me). It's such a strong connection that way, just like sweet / soft touches and holding each other. There were a couple of instances of him saying things to make me say to him that I liked him, and he was seeking that reassurance. It's like I know our connection is real, I'm just scared I'm holding out and he won't come around to be able to hang more frequently again / have a real relationship. Also, while I know I can't pressure him, it is hard to not know when I'll see him, not know what we're doing etc... basically it's hard to go with the flow when you really like someone. But I guess that's the only thing to do— as we both need to be working inward and on ourselves as we talked about. Patience and growth is so hard. I hope I did the right thing... I also don't want to be too much of a doormat, but I know that fear comes back to being used by guys before... and I have to work through that and learn that every relationship is different. I think too it's just hard to learn how to become secure when all you've ever known is how to not ask for your needs and cater to what other people want. - I totally relate to what you said. Wanting to be there for an FA and wanting him in my life, but also not wanting to be a doormat. Continuing in the knowledge this is all it may be- all he’s willing or able to give. I guess at a certain point- you just know when you’re out. If we’re still in relationship w them, then we aren’t done yet. Just keep working on you regardless of him. Then you come out a better person. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 16, 2019 17:37:53 GMT
I can totally relate to that. It’s like this insane mission to figure it all out - just replaying constantly etc. Even when I was busy this past month when things weren’t going well, I’d be so distracted by it all. It’s so interesting that since I saw him this weekend and got that love, deep affection, etc that I’m able to step back and see how preoccupied I was... and scared it’ll happen again in just a few days. It’s like this ongoing withdrawal, and I’m always scared something I did is going to end it completely. Knowing that he’s FA, I know he’s pulling back since he showed so much vulnerability, and I’m just trying to focus on me and remind myself that the connection/love was there so to prevent a downward path of AP. I’ve been reading through a lot of the tips for healing on AP that Sherry pointed me to, it’s all super helpful. It’s hard to work through my abandonment, anxiety, fear of not being good enough, fear of being used / doormat, but I want to heal. - And I noticed exactly that, after we spend intimate time together he pulls back for a few days. The same intimacy makes me want to draw close and maintain the connection. That triggers both of us. It’s happened so many times. I guess finding a balance that works for both could help relieve some of that triggering. I pushed him past his comfort zone last time after seeing him and now he ghosted me. |
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Post by ocarina on Jul 16, 2019 21:09:38 GMT
"A DA shows interest with consistency. If they are not capable of that, you might as well see that as disinterest. Why? because you need consistency and all relationships do, so desire without the work it takes to fulfill it means "interest" is NOT ENOUGH.
Capacity for relationship MATTERS. "
Keeping things simple this, from @sherry is really all you need to know - cycling is highly addictive (intermittent reinforcement) and unhealthy. If for whatever reason there is inconsistency in a relationship especially when coupled with poor communication, it will impact the relationship in a negative way - and especially with your history of depression etc is this really what you want for yourself?
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Post by ocarina on Jul 16, 2019 21:10:19 GMT
I should add, it's not just a DA that shows interest with consistency it's any healthy, self aware adult.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2019 21:28:43 GMT
I should add, it's not just a DA that shows interest with consistency it's any healthy, self aware adult. Exactly my point!  No insecure person can give good relationship without being self aware and healthy enough to make progress. It's not a mystery. And hence my point made above. |
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 17, 2019 1:28:20 GMT
That has happened to me too... with the ghosting... it’s so hard because it’s so easy for both people to get triggered. It’s hard for me to understand how someone doesn’t want more of that wonderfulness - cause it does feel so good when it’s there and good. It’s also hard to hold back those things we feel like we need to discuss, get resolution on, and not push etc. I’ve been trying to realize the triggered attachment in myself and work on it... like keeping busy, exercising, etc. I just can’t believe how life changing learning about attachment theory has been! I can’t really read any other relationship advice anymore - which is a good thing for me. Also writing in this forum with people that can relate really helps! I’m so thankful for people like you that get it. Has he come back around? - It’s hard for us to imagine running away from a good thing but if love and intimacy equal fear, then you may run away, too. I try not to take it personally, but it’s frustrating and not a healthy cycle. He’s remained quiet. I’m not surprised. He avoids conflict and he’s probably afraid if he contacts me it will open a can of worms. He must realize I was not happy w his treatment. At the time, their self-protection is more important. It affected me so much less this time- I thought here he goes again, pulling away after intimacy. So predictable. He probably thinks I’m also predictable by trying to maintain a connection after intimacy. He would be right. It’s just what I do naturally. I’m aware of this but it’s difficult to fight that inclination- I guess for him, also. |
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Post by epicgum on Jul 18, 2019 3:32:08 GMT
I think security in yourself generally is the only way to bring out security in others, so for you my advice (now I've entered the minefield) would be strengthen the other resources you need to meet your emotional needs (friends, family, coworkers) while building the relationship. That way you are less likely to respond anxiously and trigger your partner.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 18, 2019 12:16:13 GMT
faithopelove , I was reading old threads trying to help calm my triggered AP this morning, and I came across this from a thread from you and camper78 . I'd suggest that what you experienced in the first 6 months of your relationship was for the most part, limerance. The feeling of being drunk on love, obsessive thinking/acting, etc. I don't doubt that you experienced many moments of true intimacy as well, but (not to diminish the power of that connection), while you were getting to know this wonderful human being, you were also (pronbably) very high on oxytocin. Both of you were. I will speak for myself as an FA, but maybe your S is a bit like this, too. When I start to come down off the love-high and I 'wake up' (figuratively or literally as epicgum did), I panic because I've set up all this expectation for sustained intimacy but I can't maintain it because the wounds and negative narratives are still there. And then all the old triggers and all the old tricks come back and it eventually erodes the connection between me and my person to the point where the relationship is no longer nourishing or viable. It can be deeply depressing to experience this and it makes me want to hide in my cave like the Phantom of the Opera.
For my situation, it really stood out to me as we're reaching what I'm guessing it that point, or we've already reached it. He's been incredibly depressed as I mentioned, and has said things like I'm broken, too damaged, why would you want to deal with me... which seems exactly like what you've been experiencing. Did anything you said help calm those statements? Or camper78 or epicgum , any things a partner could say to help calm those statements? (I'm broken, damaged, why would you want to deal with me, etc) faithopelove , did you ever bring up attachment style theory to your FA? Just curious to know how that went. My FA opened up a little last weekend when we were so intimate, but I don't know if we're close enough to bring up the whole thing theory wise. I did say to him at one point "you're the master of avoidance" and he acknowledged that he was good at avoiding. But I didn't reference in terms of attachment, just general. Anyway, it is comforting to know other people understand, and I've been trying really hard this week not to freak out, to give him space, and remember the connection we had was real but that he's probably just freaked out cause it was a lot and intense.. or I'm guessing. - Yes, what camper states rings true as far as he desires a relationship, but doesn’t have capacity to sustain one. It’s almost just a fantasy in his mind- one he can’t act out but would like to. Our relationship seemed to be his undoing of that fantasy. He’s scared- that is certain. In the past I brought up morsels of my findings on attachment and how it’s helped me and he had no interest in hearing about it. He might say “good for you” but he takes the discussion no further and isn’t interested in applying it to our interactions. He’s been shut down like a severe DA since our break. When things go well, he retreats. Very frustrating. He has admitted having a hard time trusting and feeling incapable of being in a relationship, but again, he doesn’t wish to explore it further. And, yes, he also acts depressed and says things like “why would you even want me with all my issues? You deserve better.” They sound a lot alike. |
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